


Salvation {Bucky x Loki AU}

by humble_beginnings



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: 69 (Sex Position), Alternate Universe, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Bookshop Loki, Bucky Sandwich, Computer Scientist Bucky, Double Penetration, Lorelei - Freeform, M/M, Oral Sex, Rimming, Stark Industries, Stark Research, Threesome - F/M/M, Threesome - M/M/M, US Marines Bucky, Vaginal Fingering, Vaginal Sex, WinterFrost - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-10
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-08-07 19:37:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 75,071
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7727257
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/humble_beginnings/pseuds/humble_beginnings
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Set in modern day NYC, where Bucky is a former US Marine now employed as a computer scientist at Stark Research after losing his left arm in an IED blast. Through his colleague Natasha he meets a group of friends, including bookshop-owner Loki, where he is accepted and welcomed more readily than he expected.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Beneath the stars

**Author's Note:**

> The multiple POVs in this chapter are a once off to help set the scene quickly, future chapters will stick to one POV (usually Bucky or Loki)

###  **Loki**

Bucky’s face is briefly illuminated as he lights the cigarette between his lips, drawing back and creating a red glow at the end while he flips the lighter closed and slips it back into his pocket. From the opposite side of the campfire I keep my eyes on him while I sip from my goblet, the red wine warming and burning its way down to my stomach. I may have given up smoking a few years ago but that doesn’t mean I don’t still crave it occasionally, especially at times like this. 

A group of friends around a crackling fire -- sipping drinks to keep us warm and telling our darkest secrets through the smoke -- always gives me a nostalgic feeling. I say a group, but almost all of the others have paired off back to their tents and left Bucky, Zara, and me together. Zara has done her best to get into Bucky’s tent but it seems her efforts have fallen on deaf ears, she’s sidled up to me and I can feel her warm thigh against mine. I drape my arm around her shoulders and pull her tiny body into me, bending my face down to her thick blonde hair to kiss the top of her head affectionately.

“You cold, Loki?” she purrs. “Need some warming up?”

“Thanks, love, but I’ve got wine and a fire.”

“Not even a little, for old times’ sake?”

“Not tonight, Zar. Not really in the mood.”

“Suit yourself.” She shrugs. “You know where I am if you change your mind.”

Once she’s stalked off to bed I consider how little we really know about Bucky. Nat brought him into our group of friends almost a year ago after meeting him at work, so we know he’s a computer scientist and we know he was headhunted by Stark Research immediately after being discharged from the Marines. We know he lost his arm to an IED, that he has a prosthetic but it’s more for aesthetic purposes than anything else. Nat explained it like this:  _ you know Bucky’s comfortable in your presence if he doesn’t bother with his left arm. _

And that’s all our nosy little bunch has to show for ‘knowing’ someone almost a year; he’s been comfortable enough to go without his arm for at least six months. It’s not that we don’t ask, and it’s not that he refuses to answer, he just seems to redirect everything back on someone else. It’s an odd mix of disconcerting and mildly endearing, if you’re into that ‘oh he’s interested in hearing about me’ sort of stuff.

I’m not above admiring another man -- physically or otherwise -- but I don’t know that I’ve been attracted to one like this before. Bucky has been on my mind for a while now, although it took a few weeks to admit to myself and accept it. Just the idea of having him close makes me feel as warm as I do now in front of the fire, and when his eyes catch me watching him my pulse quickens before I even register the deep blue looking back at me, his pupils dilating with intrigue before he diverts his gaze. 

It fascinates me that someone can go from US Marines to computer scientist with the largest international technology developer without even a short interlude. The way Natasha tells it he was taken on at Stark before his wounds had healed, moved into a New York apartment with a private medical team without any of the regular military rehabilitation. She doesn’t find anything about this out of the ordinary, and as she often does she simply shrugs if I ask and says ‘it’s Stark,’ as though that should explain everything from Bucky to the Bermuda Triangle. 

“Another drink?” I offer the bottle, seeing the glass beside him is almost empty.

“Yeah, thanks.”

He looks up at me with those sapphire blue eyes while I refill his drink, and I sit down next to him as he tosses his cigarette butt into the fire.

“The smoke is right in my face on that side.”

“It’s OK, Loki. You don’t need to make excuses to sit next to me.”

Well, that partially answers one of my many questions. The attraction might not be one sided.

“Enjoying your first camping trip?” I ask, before realising what a stupid question that must be to a Marine. “I’m sure you’ve been on others, but your first with us.”

“It’s really quite pleasant when you’re doing it for fun,” he says with a smile. “And not having to survive on rations is a big plus. How about you?”

“Yeah, I do love the quiet. Time to think and reflect, get out of my own head for a bit and feel small under the stars.”

“I agree. The stars out here are amazing. I miss that being in New York, the stars just doesn’t compare.”

He’s right. The lights from the city that never sleeps turn the inky sky to more of a charcoal grey and the stars might be there but they don’t twinkle like they do out here. 

“How’s business?” he asks after a few moments.

“Just enough to keep me going, which is exactly how I like it.”

The humble bookshop has taken a big hit with the rise of the digital age, and mine is no exception. On the upside though, the people who do still buy books are quite passionate about having a physical book and willing to pay more than they were ten years ago when I opened the place. I make enough to be comfortable without having to work ridiculous hours or put in a lot of effort.

“I thought books were on the way out?”

“They most certainly are, but not for everyone. Most of my customers think a Kindle is something forged by the devil himself in the fires of hell and the internet is just a place for the government to track your every movement.”

“Tin foil hats all around, then?” He smiles and flashes his straight, white teeth, his plump pink lips curling lopsidedly. Bucky’s smile is like a rare jewel, given infrequently as though it costs part of his broody soul each time. The darker expression he prefers is undeniably alluring, but his smile is like finding a diamond among the grey pebbles on the seashore.

I catch myself staring again and look down as I chuckle. “Funny you say that, because Nat suggested recently that I should branch out into conspiracy theorist merchandise and that was at the top of the list. You like working at Stark?”

“Yeah. I get to experiment and pretty much try out whatever I want in the best lab there is, turn my favourite hobby into an actual job. Right now we’re working on a processor that can fit on the head of a pin.”

I want to ask how he does that with one hand, but think better of it. “What sort of application would that have?”

“Stealth.” He grins. “Your conspiracy nuts would love it.”

“You bet.”

“Nah, it’s mostly for medical applications. Hearing aids, implants for vision impairment, we’re even looking at replicating specific brain functions for trauma patients.”

“That’s actually sort of awesome.”

“It’s still very early stages, but we’ll get there.” 

“So… you were a Marine?”

He stiffens. “I was. Four tours, discharged on my fifth when I lost my arm.”

“That must have been awful.”

To my surprise he shrugs. “Not as awful as the two guys that died. Their families lost a lot more than I did.”

“Sorry, I didn’t realise-”

“It’s cool. Some days it just plain sucks, I’m not gonna lie. You have family in New York?” There he goes again, deflecting the attention back to me without missing a beat.

“My parents died a few years ago. I do have a brother wandering around somewhere. Peacekeeping with the UN, last I heard.” I sip my wine thoughtfully. “Thinks he can end the war singlehandedly. He’s probably right, but he’ll start another five in the process.”

“Sounds like an interesting guy,” he chuckles. “What’s the deal with you and Zara?”

“We’re just mates. I’m sure you’ve worked it all out after observing all this time?”

“From what I can gather you just sort of hook up when you feel like it.”

“Yeah, we’re a pretty incestuous little bunch. Most of us have been with everyone in the group. Except Clint, he’s only interested in Nat. Most of the time. And Steve and Peggy, of course.” They’ve been together since before we met them six years ago, and might as well have been together since the beginning of time. Of all of us they’re the ones who will end up married with kids while the rest of us are still messing around like bunnies. I don’t envy them an ounce, but I’m happy for them all the same.

“And here I was thinking Zara was in to me.”

“Believe me, she is. She’s not that easy to win over, so if she hits you up it’s genuine. I got the impression she wasn’t really what you were after, though?”

“She’s cute, funny, sexy… I guess I’m not really comfortable using someone when I don’t want anything serious, you know?”

“We’re all consenting adults, mate.”

“I’ll keep that in mind for next time.” 

Silence falls over us and although we’ve spaced the tents out what we thought was enough, the unmistakable sounds of fornication drift across the fire and interrupt our reflection. The origin is obviously Clint and Nat’s tent, and the sheer volume cuts through the silence like a bullet.

Bucky stands and stifles a yawn with his hand, but his stiff shoulders give away his discomfort. Perhaps he’s a little more uptight than I gave him credit for, I was about to yell out to them to stuff a sock in it. “I’m gonna hit the hay. Catch you in the morning, Loki.”

“You will.” I’m disappointed the most in depth conversation we’ve managed in a year is ending so abruptly, but I don’t want to push for more and be shut out. I watch him disappear into his tent before getting up, heading for mine just long enough to ditch my phone and turning toward Zara’s.

 

“You awake, Zar?” I whisper through the canvas.

“Yeah,” she giggles from the other side. “Somehow I knew you’d come knockin’. Come in.”

By the time I get the door closed behind me she’s already unzipped the double sleeping bag for me to slide in next to her, and I toe off my shoes and step out of my pants first.

“Maybe we should have left a little more space between tents,” I laugh.

“Maybe we should just drown them out. Did Bucky turn you down?” she asks next to my ear while kissing my neck.

“Huh?” I stiffen.

“Oh come on, I’ve seen the way you look at him. I’m OK with not being your first choice of warm body for the evening.”

“Zara, I barely know the guy.”

“Never stopped you with me. One week and you had me up against the store room door.”

“It’s not like that, I’m not into him. I just wasn’t in the mood before, I am now. You want to fuck or not?”

“Yes,” she breathes as I roll her to her back and knead her breast under her shirt. Her body is familiar to me, like an instrument I love to play. Or play with. “God I love your hands, Loki.”

My fingers trail down her warm, smooth skin to her panties and I cup her mound through the already damp cotton before slipping a finger in the side to feel her juicy centre. She rolls her hips up against me and brushes some stray blonde hair from her cheek as she moans. Caging her in with my arms I bend and kiss her moist lips and suck her tongue into my mouth, her pelvis rubbing against my knee between her legs. 

“I want you,” she whispers, raking her fingers into my hair and releasing it from its elastic to fall around my face. I’m surprised she didn’t try that earlier, ordinarily having it restrained in any way is a lost cause when she’s around, and quite often all it takes is a good tug from her tiny hands and I’m erect and ready to go.

“Patience, little one.”

“Zara?” a voice says from outside. I tuck my hair back behind my ears and look down into her eyes, the tiny specks of light reflecting in the darkness. “You awake?”

“Bucky?” she says with a devilish grin. “You want to come in?”

“Yeah, I… if you’re still up for it.”

“I am.” She puts a hand flat over my mouth to silence me until he’s inside the tent.

I roll off to lie on the pillow beside her and stretch my arms up behind my head. “Hi.”

“Shit, Loki. Sorry, I didn’t know.”

“It’s all good. I think what Zara is getting at is-”

“The more the merrier,” she says softly, tossing back the top of the sleeping bag. “It’s cool if you’re not comfortable with it, but you’d be fulfilling a fantasy for me. Evidently I have a soft spot for tall men with long dark hair.”

I sit up and toss off my shirt, leaving me naked. Zara does the same with her panties and I help her out of her t-shirt, suckling at a breast along the way. When I look back to Bucky he still looks unsure, but there’s a definite glint in his eye and he’s adjusting an obvious erection in his jeans. 

* * *

 

###  **Zara**

With Bucky wrestling between arousal and apprehension, Loki rolls to his side and pulls me against him, draping my thigh over his and running his fingers over my soaked lips. His head bends to kiss down my neck and he sucks a breast into his mouth while sliding one finger inside me until I moan -- I swear that man has magic fingers that just know all of the right places. Places I didn’t know existed before Loki. He alternates fingering and swirling my own essence around my clit until I’m biting into his shoulder to muffle my whimpers, and then I feel another warm body slide in behind me and a large hand trails lightly over my spine. Bucky kisses the back of my neck and my shoulder, nibbles at my ear and explores my curves with his fingers. 

I’ve known Loki for many years, since Nat discovered his amazing little bookshop and introduced us. Nat and I have almost nothing in common except for one another, but it’s a formula that’s worked since we became best friends in the first year of school. As a musician I barely understand what it is that she does with Stark Industries, and she wouldn’t know a treble clef from a double bass so it’s amazing we find things to talk about. But we do, and she’s the sister I never had. In the beginning it was the two of us, and then the group built slowly from there over the past six or seven years. Until Bucky we hadn’t really added anyone new since Clint four years ago. I trust every one of the others with my life, and I’m starting to develop the same faith in Bucky. 

I’ll trust him with anything he wants as long as he keeps pinching my nipple like that... 

Loki positions me on my back and moves between my legs, his erect cock grazing over me and he slinks backward. Bucky takes my breast in hand, admiring it and licking his lips before flicking at the nipple with his tongue and sucking it between his teeth. The sharp bite is pure ecstasy along with Loki sliding two fingers inside and languishing long strokes on my clit and I moan a little louder than I intended. 

Bucky continues kneading with his hand on the other side and brings his lips tentatively to mine, kissing me tenderly. He shifts gear when I moan into his mouth at Loki’s stroking my g-spot, nibbling my bottom lip and thrusting his tongue against mine. Loki sucks my clit hard between his teeth and rubs up against my g-spot and with a muffled cry a powerful orgasm slams into me, leaving me bucking my hips against his face and hand while Bucky pins my head to the pillow with a relentless kiss.

“Fuck,” I groan when he releases me. Bucky returns to exploring my oversensitive skin with light fingertips while Loki moves back up and kisses me passionately, sharing the taste of me from his tongue. I can feel Bucky watching us as he does, and I wonder if he’s paying more attention to Loki or me.

Since that first time in the back of his shop we’ve become familiar lovers. Initially I was intimidated by his sexual prowess, the expanse of his experience when compared to mine, but what I’ve learned about pleasure and sexuality at his hands… There is no guilt or shame between us, no taboos or awkwardness; at this point we both know the other’s limits, likes, and darkest desires. Admittedly we’ve never had a third party join us before, but the idea of being filled by both at once has featured in my fantasies on more than one occasion. 

“How do you want to play this, little one?” Loki asks, sweeping my hair back and tucking his own away behind his ears again. 

“Well,” I look from Loki to Bucky . “I think I want you to watch Bucky fuck me. And then I want both of you together.”

“You are a dirty girl, you know that?”

I nod and grin. “First I want to suck your cock, though.”

Bucky groans and I turn my head towards him, catching his mouth in a hard kiss. “Do I get to play while you’re sucking?” he says against my lips.

“Of course.” I get on all fours beside Loki and stroke him up and down with my hand. His immense cock is pink and textured all over with velvety veins that pulsate under my touch. No sooner do I have the tip between my lips than Bucky is kneeling behind me and cupping my arse. I squeeze gently on Loki’s smooth balls the way he likes and then work on taking more and more of his length until he scrapes the back of my throat. Bucky’s hand is on me again, dragging over the backs of my thighs and firmly back up to my sex, and Loki moans deep in his throat as I lave the underside of his cock with my tongue. 

With my hand I reach behind his balls and tickle the path between his thighs, making him twitch against the roof of my mouth. Then I trail back further between his cheeks and he moves his legs apart eagerly as I approach his puckered hole. 

One and then two long fingers glide into my dripping folds and I push back against them, craving them deeper. My appreciation vibrates around Loki’s cock and he issues a string of expletives as I press against his ring, stretching it gently around my fingertip until it slips inside. 

Bucky’s fingers are pumping in and out of me now and another rubs against my clit with every thrust. I can feel another orgasm building even as I try to stave it off and concentrate on Loki, but it’s coming hard and fast whether I like it or not.

Loki eagerly takes in more of my finger and his hips move against me to fuck my mouth as I suck. His moans are loud enough to be heard by the others now, and I feel his balls drawing up as he builds higher and spasms beneath me.

“Come apart, sweet Zara,” Bucky growls in my ear. Loki snaps his hips so hard I almost choke on him, shooting his hot seed into my throat with a reverberating series of grunts, and I spill my juices into Bucky’s hand as I spasm with euphoria and white light explodes in front of my eyes.

* * *

 

###  **Bucky**

Zara collapses onto the pillow panting like she’s run a marathon, and when I lie down beside her she pulls my fingers up to my mouth and sucks some of her juices off. My cock is fit to explode, throbbing and dripping precum onto my stomach as Loki kisses her lips tenderly and falls onto her other side. I watch them kiss intimately, the way he drags his teeth across her bottom lip and pulls back with his lips parted as though inhaling her spirit, his eyes slowly opening and meeting mine briefly.

“Fuck, your mouth is exquisite,” he says softly to Zara. “Just like the rest of you.”

Zara locks her hazel eyes on mine as she turns over and her warm lips leave tiny wet kisses over my chest. She bites playfully on my nipple and it sends shocks straight to my engorged cock as she straddles me and rubs my tip over her soaked pussy. I eye her warily as she notches it inside and makes a slow circle with her hips.

“Fuck… Zara, I’m not gonna last long. We need a condom.”

“I’m on the pill, so...” She raises a questioning eyebrow.

Stark insist on testing us for pretty well everything -- including drugs and STIs -- every three months, and it’s not like I’ve had a lot of action in the last year. I grin and thrust up against her, burying my desperate cock in her warmth and pushing her upward until she squeals. God, she’s tight and hot and she grips my cock while I lower my hips, sinking the rest of the way down and engulfing me in her heat. I dig my hand into her hip to control her thrusts and hold her still a moment. “Go slow… I wanna feel you come first.”

She rolls her hips and I hear Loki’s groan beside us. When I look over I reckon I’d shoot my load even if there wasn’t a beautiful woman slowly fucking me. He’s on his back, dark hair spread around his face on the pillow and pale skin shining in the dim light. His lean, muscular body ripples as he moves and his long fingers are fondling his cock and balls, another erection already stirring just below his navel. In the Marines if I looked at another man’s junk I’d probably get my arse reamed right before I was beaten up so I’ve not seen many, but Loki’s is long and thick even before it’s fully erect. The head is as beautifully soft and pink as Zara’s pussy, and a pearl of cum appears on the tip while I watch his deliciously long fingers close around the trunk-like base. I draw my eyes slowly back up, over his chiseled abs and almost hairless chest, his long smooth neck and bobbing Adam’s apple. Loki’s square jaw is set and clenched with intensity and I watch his pink tongue dart out to wet his thin lips. For a few moments our eyes lock and his lips part, and I’m sure he’s going to lean in toward me. If he were on my other side I don’t think I’d be able to resist touching him, and the thought excites as much as frightens me.

I turn my attention back to Zara and knead her breast in my palm as she slides over my dick, keeping her pace slow so I remain clinging precariously to the edge of climax. Her hand rests between her legs and I can feel her fingers circling her clit, increasing the pace as her breath grows heavy. I roll her nipple between my thumb and finger and sit up to kiss her mouth, sucking her tongue and rubbing it with mine. 

“Oh god, Bucky.” She throws her head back, blonde hair cascading down her shoulders, and I suck and bite at her neck. 

“Come, sweet. Clench that tight pussy around me.” 

She opens her legs wider and makes fast shallow thrusts, the head of my dick pushing against the spongy hollow inside, and with a violent spasm and choked scream she buckles against my body with her face in my neck, gasping for breath. 

My eyes drop to Loki again as I’m holding Zara against me, and he’s stroking his length with one hand, the other resting on his stomach. He’s looking up not at Zara but at me, and the dark lust in his ice blue eyes is unmistakable. I find it mildly unsettling, but it also spreads warmth through my pelvis and the anticipation of him joining us makes my heart race. 

With some quick direction from Zara he reaches into her bag and finds a bottle of lube, moving in behind her once I’m back on the pillow and she’s on top of me. I can feel the ripples of spasm around me as her orgasm fades, and they grow stronger when Loki kneels behind her. I can’t see what he’s doing but I feel his silken hand occasionally stray from stroking her arse to find my balls, and then as he starts to push against her hole I feel his sack swinging against mine.

I want to recoil, be repulsed and shift back out of the way, but instead I find myself pushing back against him so our dimpled skin repeatedly brushes together, sending bolts of forbidden pleasure straight to the end of my cock. Zara remains still with her lips mashed with mine while he enters her inch by inch, and I can feel her become tighter with both of us inside. Her whimpers tear at me and when she cries out as he pushes further I take her face in both hands, searching her eyes for signs of pain.

“Are you OK?” I whisper.

“God, yes.” She grins and her eyes roll back as Loki grunts and shoves her forward.

“Raise your hips, darling. This will go easier if you don’t move,” he says. This means I can thrust up to her and I do so slowly but eagerly, hilting my cock inside her and rubbing against Loki’s only centimetres away. Knowing only membrane separates us is surprisingly erotic, and we synchronise our thrusts until Zara is moaning so loud I can’t even muffle it with my kiss. 

“Fuck, I’m gonna come,” I groan, feeling my balls tingle and draw upward. I’ve fought so hard to hold it back, but even when I’m still the feeling of Loki’s cock driving against me through her flesh makes it impossible.

“Fill me up, Bucky.” She looks down and locks her eyes onto mine, watches my face contort in ecstasy as I pump in and out and release deep inside her. Even as I’m softening and withdrawing back to the cool night air, Loki is pistoning in and out of her with obscene wet squelches and the slap of skin colliding. I smooth my hand down her side, swallow her cries of pleasure, and hear Loki withdraw soon after. The slapping is replaced now with his grunts and groans as he strokes himself and paints her arse and lower back with white streaks, collapsing back onto his heels and kissing her skin wherever he can reach with his lips.

The three of us fall back onto the bed, spent and panting, and after bidding our lovely host goodnight with many kisses and snuggles we leave her sleeping peacefully. I pull on my jeans and shoes and step outside, the cool air hitting me like a wall. I pull out a cigarette and light it by the fire, sitting back down on the log seat and tugging my shirt over my head. I don’t hear Loki until he sits down next to me and snatches the cigarette from my hand to draw back on it before handing it back.

“You want one?” I offer him the packet but he shakes his head.

“I gave up a few years ago.”

“How’s that working out for you?” I chuckle as he exhales smoke and sighs with satisfaction. 

“I defy anyone to do that and not need a cigarette after.”

I can feel his eyes on me, but I can’t return his gaze. He wants more from me, I’ve known it for a while and I’ve seen the way he looks at me, but I can’t give him that. It’s just not for me, and I can’t give in to that craving. Keeping my eyes focussed on the flames dancing in front of me, I nod. 

“That was... wow. She is something else.”

“We don’t call her pocket rocket for nothing. She’s a surprise package.”

She’s not the biggest surprise of the evening, though. Silence thickens between us and I still can’t look at Loki, I focus on the fire and the smoke weaving through the stillness. 

“I’m off to get some sleep, I’ll see you in the morning,” he says as he stands. His boots crunch on the dry ground as he moves away, and then stop. “Bucky?”

“Yeah?” 

He’s worrying his lip with his fingertips and considers a few moments before saying anything. 

“If ever you want to talk… you don’t seem to like talking about yourself and that’s cool. But if you do, I’ll listen.”

I nod and hold his gaze, the flicker of flames lighting up his face. “Thanks.”

I can’t, though. If these guys knew half of what I’ve seen and done, what I got away with and turned a blind eye to… I’d be all alone all over again.

 


	2. Former Sergeant Barnes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One year ago, in the sweltering desert of the Middle East, Bucky took a short assignment that changed his life.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I have taken a little creative license with the machinations of the US military. I do understand how it works in the real world, but this is not the real world. Enjoy!

###  **Bucky**

####  _**One year earlier** _

Fuck me, this place is hell on earth. Dust is sticking to the sweat that covers my body and when I eventually get to shower I’ll find mud in crevices I didn’t know I had. Being roped into a sweep of an almost decimated suburban area isn’t my idea of a fun afternoon, but they’re down a couple of guys to gastro and after five days lying on my belly in direct sun a regular twelve hour shift sounded mighty fucking appealing. 

We’re clearing a block recently taken out by a ‘well orchestrated series of air strikes’, checking for remaining residents or anyone who might have moved in since the detection teams cleared it of explosives and bodies. The heads of defence might like to puff their chests and describe it with flowery words, but this was nothing more than a show of force, almost flattening a square kilometre by way of saying ‘our collective dick is bigger than yours’. The further we walk down the street the more hairs on my body stand at attention, we’re trying to be ‘non-threatening’; as non-threatening as you can be dressed head to toe in disruptive pattern with an M16 slung across your chest. The only thing that pisses me off more than these bastards trying to kill us all the time is the fact we have to look like we’re not here to stop them in case we frighten the locals.

Like there will be any locals left here without harmful intent.

It’s so deserted we haven’t seen or heard a soul in over an hour of patrolling, and the longer we walk the rubble-covered streets the more on edge I feel. With a deep exhalation I force my shoulders down and kick my feet out to loosen my hips, looking up at the remains of a three-storey apartment block on my right. With the sun glaring through the gap from an air strike I squint to check every doorway and window, every balcony, although I don’t expect to see anyone.

_ Movement.  _ My sniper-school-ace brain registers it before my eyes have passed the message and my right hand goes immediately to the trigger of my weapon. What I wouldn’t give for a sniper rifle and a concealed position right now. I don’t trust my own senses when they’re in motion.

I hold my arm out and stop, signalling the other three to do the same. 

“I think my eyes are starting to play tricks, I’m so much better doing this shit from a safe distance. There’s no one here. Any fucker with half a brain is gone.”

“It’s the ones without half a brain we’re worried about, Barnes. What’d you see?”

“Second floor, third window from the left.”

“Fuckin sun’s coming through the next one,” Stiles says beside me, craning his neck. “How can you see anything?”

“That’s what I mean. Nothing there, I think a shadow just shifted with the break in the light. C’mon.”

I’m still looking up when he moves forward and he’s just entering my peripheral vision when I see it again. My weapon is up and aimed before the “stop!” has left my throat.

It’s too late.

Dust fills my eyes and lungs, and I’m so deafened I can’t even hear my own coughing. 

“Report!” I yell, repeating it louder because I don’t think any sound is coming out. A hand tugs at my leg and I look down to see Graham covered in blood. His mouth is moving, blood drips from his lip every time it opens, but I hear nothing but ringing.

Red is seeping over my shirt and it takes me a minute to locate my radio. I know better than to assess my own injuries, we’re taught from day one that adrenaline is more likely to keep us going until a medic arrives if we don’t look. So I don’t. My left arm feels kind of dead but otherwise I think I’m just stunned. And deaf. 

“Base, we have contact. Assuming IED, triggered from the second storey of the building to our left… uh, right. South quadrant.” I try to sit up but my arm won’t support my weight and I have to roll to my right side to push myself upright. The only one I can see with the stirred up dust and debris is Graham, and he appears to be intact. He’s trying to tell me something from his position on his stomach but I can’t work it out. “Graham and Barnes wounded, I do not have eyes on Stiles or Cameron. Request urgent evac.”

I know there’s voice coming over the radio but I can’t make out the words, everything is just low level noise. The back of my head hits the gravel hard and I shut my eyes against the sun.

* * *

“Sergeant, I’m Tony Stark.” He closes the door and moves toward the side of my bed.

“Good to meet you,” I say, shaking his outstretched hand. He seems important and sticks out like dogs’ balls from everyone else I’ve seen in the base hospital, wearing a tailored grey suit and dress shoes with his black hair styled and even his goatee trimmed to perfection. It’s a nice change from the DPCU’s of everyone else but it’s a little unnerving.

“I’d like to make you an offer. I hear you have a keen interest in computer science.”

“Yeah, but I’m not really in a position to change career.” I look down at the remainder of my left arm; a small, heavily-bandaged stump about a quarter of what it used to be. 

“What if I could take you to the best medical researchers in the world. Pay you to work on components that would one day form part of your own treatment, your own prosthetic. I already looked at your chart, you’re an excellent candidate for a cybernetic improvement.”

“None of the doctors have mentioned that option.”

“Because it’s not available to them yet. But it’s not far off being available to you. I can give you all the rehab you need, fully funded. An apartment in the centre of New York City, every treatment you could possibly hope to try to not just regain use of your arm, but exceed it.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re smart. I’ve seen your file, you have vision and you know your stuff. You’d have been in signals or comms if you hadn’t been such a perfect shot and been handed a sniper rifle. You’re about to get the silver lining to your situation. You sign over to me now, and I’ll take you back to New York today. You’ll have the best lab you can imagine, physical and psychological rehab that’s more than you’d ever get with the military, all on top of whatever compensation they give you for letting you lose an arm because their specialists didn’t do their job. You should never have been on that patrol, but you were. This is your chance at a better life, a fresh start. Forget the horror of war and start living your dreams.”

“That a rehearsed speech?”

“It’s the ‘living your dreams’ part, huh?” he chuckles. “I may have taken a couple of others over the years, yeah. Let’s just say I’m on a first name basis with security here. There is a catch. I need to know all that you know about the enemy, and our own forces. What they’re using, what works, what doesn’t. This is how I stay ahead of the game, when they come calling for a solution to problem X, I’ve already solved it with A, B, and C. And I offer them counter-attack options with Y and Z.”

“Where do I sign?”

“My lovely head of security Natasha will be in shortly with the paperwork and she’ll escort you back to home soil. We’ll talk when my medical staff say you’re ready, and if you want anything before then just ask.”

* * *

Lovely is an understatement for Natasha. Jesus help me I’m making a tent of the hospital blanket as soon as the pouting redhead enters the room in her fitted skirt and heels, and she knows it. 

“You must be Natasha,” I extend my hand and curse internally when my voice breaks on her name. 

“Just Nat is fine, Sergeant. Ready to give up your rank?”

“Absolutely. Get me the hell out of here.”

She hands me a pen and holds the pages for me without even glancing at my arm. There’s no sympathy, no kind words, no indication that I’m any different to her; let alone less than her. It’s a refreshing change.

“Do you know anyone in New York?” she asks while I initial the last document.

“No. I grew up in Brooklyn but my family… they’re not there anymore.”

“I doubt you’ll have a problem making new friends, but I’ll introduce you to some people if you like. We always like fresh meat. I mean faces.” She winks as she flicks through the pages. “I’m kidding, really we’re just a bunch of nerds. Computer science, huh? You’ll fit right in.”

“Sounds that way.”

“Got a girl waiting for you?”

“Nah. She stopped waiting after the third deployment. I found that out when I got home from the fourth.”

“Ouch.”

I shrug. Nyssa was lovely, and she stuck around a lot longer than I expected her to. Coming home to her shacked up with a mate stung a little. “It wasn’t a surprise.”

“So you’ve heard of Stark Industries before?”

“Nope. First time I met Tony was this morning.”

“You know where your weapons come from, right? That rifle you used to make all those kills was from Stark Defence.”

“Yeah, I…” Oh. He was  _ that  _ Tony Stark. I’m wondering if they actually tested my brain function at some point and feeling like an absolute twit. “I only just made the connection. God, you must think I’m an idiot.”

“No, I think it’s been less than a week since your arm was blown off. Your hearing hasn’t fully come back yet, either. Don’t worry. Actually if the deficit is permanent we can fix that.”

“Good to know. Anything else you’re hiding?”

“More than you will ever get the chance to see, James Barnes.”

“Bucky. Everyone calls me Bucky.”

“One thing they won’t be calling you anymore is Sergeant. You are hereby awarded an honorable discharge. Get dressed, Bucky Barnes. Your civilian future awaits.”


	3. The morning after

###  Loki

Broody Bucky has returned this morning and the fleeting glance he gives me when I hand him a coffee cup is cold and evasive. The brush of our fingers is as electric as ever, though. There’s no point in denying it, I’m attracted to him. If he were female and willing I’d be having my way with him up against the storeroom door just like I did with Zara. His hair is pulled into a loose bun with thick sections tucked behind his ears, one of them falling when he looks away from my gaze only to be pushed hastily back with those long smooth fingers.

Him being a man doesn’t make a bee’s dick of difference to me, but he seems less comfortable with the idea. I think it would be more than a physical attraction if I could just get to know him, but he’s so skittish it’s like trying to get familiar with a feral animal; you’ve got to go slow and make it worth their while. 

I need to find his currency, what makes him tick. 

Bacon and coffee seem a good place to start, judging by his appetite for both this morning. I keep my distance and admire from afar, because I understand he might be feeling awkward about last night. There’s no doubt he was angling his thrusts toward me as much as Zara between us, just as he was eye-fucking me while she was actual-fucking him. The way his eyes lingered on my cock, slowly dragging up over my body, it was obvious and unashamed and I’d like to have him do that often. 

Naked, of course, so I can return the sentiment. 

This morning I lay in bed and listened to the world outside waking up, the birds beginning their morning song and the squirrels skittering about on the ground. I remembered his strong body; the movement of his broad shoulders and chest, the bicep as big as my head, the tattoo I couldn’t quite make out over his right chest. The thickness of his dick and heaviness of his balls as they swung against mine had my morning wood dripping precum onto my lower abs until I had to take matters into my own hands.

In my mind the hand was his, stroking the length with his weathered fingers, taking it in his mouth. He looked up at me with those steely blue eyes as he licked the tip and kneaded my balls, slipped a finger or two into my arse and begged me to fill his throat with my cum.

If he did any one of those things I’d oblige in less than a minute. And return the favour; kinky fucker or not I’m nothing if not well-mannered.

Once he seems able to look me in the eye I take the last serving of bacon from our makeshift kitchen and make my move, offering it onto his plate and lowering myself to the log next to him so we’re almost touching.

“Thanks, man,” he says.

“You’re welcome. Gotta get in quick with this lot, especially Clint. Pretty sure he’s exclusively carnivorous.”

“Good to know. Back to the daily grind tomorrow?”

“Yeah. You too, I guess?”

He nods. “The Stark machine never stops turning.”

“So I’ve heard. You and Nat work together?”

“Not really, no. She’s in the security side, I’m more in medical applications. I think she just took pity on me because I didn’t know anyone here, she escorted me over from the military hospital.”

“How does that work, exactly? I thought you’d get rehab and psychological assessment before you were discharged?”

“I did. It was a little faster than usual, but Stark agreed to take all of that on if I’d come work for him.”

“What does he get out of it, though?”

He frowns and his eyes catch mine. 

“Aside from you, I mean. I’m sure you’re brilliant at your job, but…”

“He gets the inside story on the war from someone who’s been there.”

Now we’re getting somewhere. Stark is still producing weaponry, and Bucky has seen enough to tell him what the Department will ask for next, and by then he’ll already have it under development.

“What unit were you with?”

“Special Forces.”

I’m waiting for more but he isn’t offering it, so I move on.

“I was hoping we could go out for coffee one day soon, I feel like we’ve been hanging out for a year and I barely know anything about you.”

“Yeah, if you want.” He downs the rest of the coffee from his mug and then wipes the rim with his thumb. “Look, Loki. I’m not in to… you know.”

“Coffee?”

“Men,” he says quietly. 

“Ah, I see. For the record, I’m not either. I’d better get packed up.”

I stand and leave him behind without looking back, but I can feel his eyes piercing the space around me all the way back to the tent. It’s only a few minutes later I’m stuffing my sleeping bag into its cover and I hear soft footfalls from outside. 

“Loki, you decent?”

“Yeah, but I can be indecent in five seconds.”

The low gravelly chuckle makes me wonder which he would prefer as he slips through the door.

“Bucky, I’m not playing games here. Take it, leave it, whatever. I thought I’d break the tension and make the first move, but if you're not interested it's fine.”

“I know that, it’s just I’m not used to…” he flails his hand about like he’s trying to find the right words. “Grey. There’s a grey area here. I’m far more adept with black and white.”

I take two steps to close the distance between us and his lack of action speaks far louder to me than his words. He doesn’t flinch, doesn’t back away, doesn’t do anything that tells me he’s uncomfortable. My head is immediately filled with the scent of leather from his jacket and a faint hint of woody cologne, I can feel his warm breath on my face and hear it increase just slightly through his nose in anticipation. We’re eye to eye, almost identical in height, and there’s a softness behind his intense blue gaze. I could so easily reach behind his neck and pull him in, show him I’m not just messing around…

I tear my eyes away from his and clear my throat, turning back to packing. 

“I get it, it’s cool. I suppose I’m more liberal because I’ve been around this lot for so long. You’ll notice Zara didn’t bat an eyelid when you joined us.”

“Zara couldn’t have batted anything, I don’t think she knew which way was up.” He laughs, and I quickly join in.

“Well yeah, but we’re all kind of free with our affections, if you know what I mean. I’m sure Nat’s told you about her and Clint having the odd affair.”

I’m glad he finished his coffee before he came over because I’m fairly sure I’d be wearing it otherwise. I’m not used to seeing a man blush, and if it’s showing through his very tanned cheeks it must be quite the colouring.

“It’s never come up, no.”

“Mate, I don’t care if you take me up on it or you don’t. Maybe I’ve got it wrong. If you decide to, the offer’s there.”

He nods. “I should go and get packed.”

I haven’t got it wrong, I know I haven’t. One day soon I’m going to feel those plump pink lips on mine and I’ll kiss him right out of his grey area. But I won’t coddle a grown man, a fucking Marine no less. I’m nobody’s white knight.


	4. Across a crowded room

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These two insist I work on their story, and they were insisting at 4am when I should have been sleeping.   
> Bear with them, it's a slow burn but we're almost there. I might already be writing some rather delicious smut for them a couple of chapters ahead.

###  Bucky

Our gang usually hang out at least a couple of times a week, so when I haven’t seen anyone but Nat for a month the harassing phone calls start.

“You should be flattered,” she says over lunch. “If they didn’t care they wouldn’t bother. Why are you avoiding us, anyway?”

“I’m not, I’ve just been busy.”

“Well you’re coming out tomorrow, it’s Clint’s birthday.”

“God, remember last year when you dragged me along?”

“I do. You sat in the corner all dark and mysterious and shy.”

“And then you sat in my lap and kissed me.”

“It was the quickest way to let everyone know you were friendly!” She laughs. “How’s it all going? I feel like we haven’t really talked in months, since you shut me down last time.”

“I didn’t shut you down.” She looks at me sideways and frowns. “All right I did, because I have a fucking team of shrinks to talk to about that shit. I don’t need to drag it up with my friends.”

“OK, but friends talk. They get to know one another. The others are feeling a bit like they don’t know who you are under the surface, you’re so guarded.”

“I did have an appointment with the cybernetics guys this week and they want me to trial some stuff for them. Everything else is good.”

“Your hearing is back to normal, then?”

“Still mild loss on both sides. Left is bordering on moderate.”

“Not bad. Could be better.”

“I’ll try harder,” I deadpan and roll my eyes.

“No residual pain?”

“Nothing worth complaining about.”

“You’re not feeling awkward about what happened with Zara, are you?”

“Not at all. We had a good time. Wouldn’t mind doing it again, she’s a great girl.”

I watch her reaction and try to gauge how much she knows, because I don’t know how much Zara said about Loki and I’m not about to give it all away by asking. 

“She can take care of herself, if that’s what you’re worried about. She’s been asking about you.”

“I’ll be sure to catch up with her tomorrow.”

* * *

 

Not that I have much choice, Zara rounds me up as soon as I get inside the bar. “Hey, handsome. Long time no see.”

I can smell the alcohol on her as her arms thread around my neck. 

“How you doin’?”

“Very, very well. I’ve missed you, I was hoping we might get a second round.”

“We’ll see,” I chuckle. “I need a drink, looks like you’ve got a head start.”

Loki and Clint are already in the queue at the bar so I wedge in beside them, Zara still tucked under my arm.

“Happy birthday, mate,” I clap Clint on the shoulder. 

“Thanks for coming,” he says, turning to the woman behind the bar to order drinks. 

“Bucky,” Loki says with a nod. “How are you?”

“Good, yeah.”

“We’ve missed you.”

At this point the din of the bar is completely drowning out their words and I’m fully reliant on my lip reading, which is patchy at best. I’m glad I don’t have to do it often, my brain hurts after only a few minutes. 

Once I've had a few drinks and feel more comfortable I look around for Loki and instead spot Zara falling all over a guy I’ve never seen before. The poor thing is so tiny she has the constitution of a newborn kitten, so she only has to go a couple of drinks over her usual and paralysis ensues. She looks more than a couple of drinks over at this point, she can barely stand up. 

“Hey, sweetie,” I pull her close against me with the prosthetic arm, leaving the right free to take the glass from her hand. “I think it’s time we got you home, hm?”

“Who the fuck are you? Her boyfriend?”

“Uh-oh,” Zara slurs with a giggle into my ear. 

I look the guy up and down, he’s tall but lean with a sleazy grin plastered across his face.

“I’m the guy who’s taking her home so you don’t take advantage.”

“No need to fight, boys. I can take both of you at once. Right Bucky?”

_ Jesus christ, Zara.  _

“See? I’m not takin’ advantage of anything, she’s begging for it. Has been since she walked in. Right, darlin’?” He tries to pull her from me and she stumbles before falling back into me. “You heard her, no need to fight. Plenty to go around. No way I’m passin’ up a cute little doll like this one, I don’t give a shit how drunk she is.”

I try to count to ten and take deep breaths, but I only make it to six. I try to keep a lid on it, to just turn and walk away, but my feet are planted and ready. I try to unclench my fist but it connects with his jaw, making a sickening crunch right before he collapses to the floor. 

Security are coming at me from all directions, so I scoop her up into my arms and run back to my apartment in Stark Tower. I don’t stop, I don’t look back, I just run until I’m at the door. 

As soon as we’re inside I insist she drink a glass of water, which she promptly vomits back up, and then tuck her into bed. I have to admire her commitment, even as I’m cleaning her up she’s doing her best to undress me. 

Just as she starts to snore loudly in my bed her phone rings in her purse and I see Loki’s face on the screen before I pick up.

“Thank god, love. Where are you?”

“Ah… Loki, it’s me. Bucky. Zara’s here with me, I’ve just put her to bed.”

“Oh, shit. Sorry. We figured you’d just had enough and left, but when we found Zara’s coat and she was nowhere to be seen…”

“I had to run out with her, I might have punched a guy. I wasn’t thinking about her coat.”

“That was you?”

“Yeah. I really tried to hold back, but the way he talked about her I couldn’t. I had to get her out of there, sorry.”

“Don’t be. Usually I keep a good eye on her when she’s drinking, obviously tonight I was distracted. She’s all right?”

“She’s fine. Snoring loud enough to rattle the windows and she’ll be very sorry in the morning, but she’s good.”

“Would you mind if I brought her coat to you and dropped it off? She’ll need it in the morning to get home.”

“Sure. I assume you can find my apartment.”

“I’m fairly certain Stark Tower can be seen from space, shouldn’t be a problem.”

A few minutes later I buzz him in and meet him at my door, watching him stifle a laugh at Zara’s loud snores. 

“I figured she was safer here where I could watch her.”

“For sure. Thanks for taking care of her.”

“Of course. You want a drink or something?”

“Only if I’m not interrupting anything.”

“What could you possibly be interrupting?” I laugh while pouring us both a rum. He follows me to the balcony where I light my cigarette and take a long drag. “Was the guy I hit OK?”

“I think you broke his jaw, but I reckon he probably deserved it.”

“I was a little agitated and I couldn’t let him say that about her.”

“You didn’t seem all that keen on being out tonight.”

“I shouldn’t have done that,” I say quietly.

“Oh yeah you should. How’ve you been? Everything OK?”

I puff the smoke from my mouth into the crisp air. “Yeah, everything’s fine.” I don’t want to be short with him but the ringing in my ears has my head pounding and I’m thinking about heading to bed myself.

Well, the couch. What exactly am I supposed to do in this situation? We’ve had sex, will she mind if I sleep next to her? I haven’t slept next to a woman since Nyssa and even then it was a long time before we split.

“Bucky, I’m sorry if I said something to make you uncomfortable. Apparently I do it often.”

“You didn’t. It’s not like I was out with you guys all the time before, we’ve gone a few weeks between drinks often.”

Silence falls over us and I remember what Nat said about talking to people. She has a point, I have to make friends somehow and if I’m completely alone I’ll go insane.

“It’s the noise in the bar. I generally stick to quieter environments where I can hold a conversation.”

“You don’t like the music?”

“It’s the general noise, everything is so loud. Everyone’s trying to talk to me and I can’t… it’s exhausting. I like hanging out with you guys so I do my best to tolerate it for special occasions, but it’s something I find really difficult. I… my hearing was damaged in the blast, in that sort of noise I can’t make out individual voices. I lip read.”

“Shit, I had no idea.”

“I don’t really like to broadcast it, y’know? I get that ‘poor broken soldier’ look enough as it is.”

“I saw Zara when you walked in, she definitely wasn’t looking at a broken soldier.”

“I should have insisted she stop drinking right there,” I chuckle. “She’s a sweetheart, but she does not handle alcohol.”

“She’s missed having you around, we all have.”

“Sorry. It’s not personal, sometimes I just want to be on my own for a bit. Feels weird going about your life, working a regular job while the war is still going on. We’re told to get close with our mates over there, have each other’s back and be like brothers; but then you lose a few and your brain tells you to shut it out and not let yourself get close to anyone. For the better part of six years my emotions didn’t know what the fuck was happening, and now…” I trail off because honestly I don’t know. I believe they might have packed up and left. “What happens in war should stay there and rot with the dead, but it doesn’t. It follows you home like a stench you can’t wash off, wafts around when you least expect it, makes you wonder what’s so ‘lucky’ about coming home.”

My prosthetic is weighing heavy on my shoulder and I reach under my shirt to unfasten it. Ordinarily people look away about now like they’ve just caught me jerking off.

Not Loki.

“Can I see?”

I shrug and take my shirt off so he can see where it meets the top of my arm, where silicon meets skin. It’s clunky and awkward, controlled by my own muscles when it’s cooperating. Most of the time it’s there just to stop people giving me ‘that’ look, I wouldn’t bother for its primitive and robotic functions. The prospect of a working replacement controlled by brain and nerve messages, though… that is exciting. Not telling anyone about it is a small price to pay for being the first amputee fitted with a working cybernetic arm. 

“Nat was telling me you don’t find it particularly helpful.”

“I find it helpful for making it less obvious. That’s about it.”

“I’m really glad you feel comfortable enough with us to go without it.”

I laugh. “Not like I’m gonna get any sympathy from you lot.”

“True. None of us see you any differently. You know that, right? We don’t think you’re weak or any less than us.”

“Thanks. That was something that struck me early on about Nat. She was the first person who didn’t give a shit that I was missing an arm. She treated me the same as everyone else.”

“You are the same. I doubt there’s anything we can do that you can’t.”

“I dunno, you’re all pretty good at functioning in front of people and having a social life. Maintaining healthy relationships.”

“I’m not sure any of us have what some would call ‘healthy’ relationships. Except for Steve and Peggy, the rest of us are pretty fucked up. Just because we can all talk the legs off a chair and fuck like rabbits doesn’t mean we’re normal.”

I could listen to Loki speak all day. Raised in London, he has a crisp yet edgy accent that makes me think of children in a classroom reciting ‘the rain in Spain stays mainly on the plain’ over and over. With a bottle of rum between us and Zara passed out for the night it’s just after  2am when I crawl into bed beside her and Loki takes the couch.

Curled around Zara’s warm body and dwarfing her lean curves with my breadth, all that fills my mind is Loki. It felt surprisingly good to be honest with him, albeit terrifying. By the time the bottle was empty we’d talked about past relationships, but when I brought up Loki’s family he shut me down in a matter of seconds and moved on to my own. I find it comforting that there are topics he himself gives a wide berth, that he has his own raw nerves he doesn’t like prodded.

Only in my own mind will I admit that I feel something when he’s close, his proximity sets me on fire. But as a Marine, born into a long line of the same, it’s an uncomfortable sensation to accept, let alone admit aloud. My own father would spit on me just for thinking it -- he was convinced homosexuality could be beaten out of a man if you tried hard enough. And he did once, with a man he was supposed to be training, while the rest of us looked on and said nothing. 

That’s what talking about feelings gets you in the military.


	5. Of White Knights and Rag Dolls {Loki}

###  Loki

Long after the rum is gone and Zara’s snores have fallen silent I lie awake on Bucky’s couch, wondering if he’s sleeping. I’m on such a high from an eventful evening I keep replaying our conversations instead of falling asleep myself, examining his words from every angle, recalling the way his mouth formed each syllable. 

Before he died my father taught me a great deal about body language and non-verbal communication; the many truths you can pick up from what people don’t say. Bucky has begun to loosen up in my presence, although alcohol might have played a large part this evening. No matter how much he drinks he’s never opened up this much before, though. 

He’s starting to trust me. Finally.

I couldn’t help watching his hand when he gestured while he spoke, and now I’m trying to sleep with a boner in my shorts; it’s not going well. My ears prick up when I hear a couple of deep groans, and I smile at his appreciation for whatever Zara is doing in there. The sound of her sweet high-pitched moans makes its way down the hall to me only seconds later.

“Bucky,” she whispers. “Bucky,” a louder cry. “Bucky, stop! You’re hurting me, no!” She’s screaming now and I’m hurtling through the door to find her pinned against the wall while his hand tightens around her throat. Her dainty feet are a few inches from the floor and her eyes are saucer-wide with terror.

“Bucky, let her go!” I shove at him with all I’ve got, which is about half of what he’s got so he barely moves, but it’s enough to snap him out of it and he releases her into a crumpled heap. I help her up and she gathers the rest of her clothes, roughly tugging them on while tears stream down her face and choking coughs shake her small frame. Bucky sits on the edge of the bed with his hand scrubbing over his face. “What was that?” I yell, gesturing to Zara.

“Just go. Take her with you. You need to go.” His voice is quiet and raspy, barely controlled.

“Bucky, what the hell happened?”

“Fuck, Loki! Just go!”

 

I hug Zara close to me as we make the short walk to my apartment. The sun is beginning to kiss the sky with its first golden streaks and it will be rising before too long. 

“C’mon, bedroom,” I say, leading her in. “Are you all right?”

“Yeah, I think so. I was just sleeping and then he was hauling me out of bed and choking me. Thank god you were there.”

“I don’t understand why he’d do that.”

“Me, either. Especially after what he did to that guy in the bar just for talking to me.”

“Oh, you remember that?” I smirk. 

“Unfortunately, yeah. He held my hair while I puked and everything. Carried me home. Maybe he woke up and thought I was someone else? An intruder?”

“An intruder snoring in his bed?”

She nods thoughtfully.

“Why were you there, exactly?” she asks with a raised eyebrow.

“I came to check on you and drop off your coat, there was rum and we got talking.”

“Rum?”

“Lubricant for the conversation.”

“Uh huh.”

“I need to sleep, I was just dozing off when I heard you. Lie down.”

Like a belligerent child she tries to tell me she’s not tired, she doesn’t need the ibuprofen I offer, and she’s not feeling sick… but she’s still sound asleep before my head hits the pillow.

 

When I wake up she's still in my arms and it’s almost lunch time; I try calling to confront Bucky but unsurprisingly he’s not answering. My next call is to Nat, hoping she has some insight into his behaviour.

“What are you up to?”

“Round, what… twelve I think,” she pants. “We’re trying to beat last year’s record.”

“Oh for god’s sake. Never mind.” I groan and rub my eyes.

“Is it important?”

“Bucky tried to choke Zara.”

“Fuck! No, Clint… get off!” I wait until the muffled movement and hissed conversation trails off.

“Nat?”

“Yeah, I’m here. Is she hurt? Is she all right?”

“She’s still sleeping, but she’s not physically hurt.”

“What the fuck happened?”

“I don’t know. I woke up and she was screaming at him to let her go, he had her up against the wall with a hand around her throat. I grabbed her and brought her home with me.”

“Hold up. You were with Bucky?”

“I went there looking for Zara after I left the club and we got talking so I slept on the couch. Can we focus, please? Is this a regular thing with him?”

“Not that I know of, but it’s not uncommon. You know what he’s been through.” She sighs and I hear Clint mumble something in the background. “I knew something wasn’t right.”

“I barely know a drop in the ocean of what he’s been through, Nat. If I’d known he was dangerous I’d never have let him near her.”

“He’s not… I’ll try to talk to him. Just as soon as we-”

“Yeah, I know,” I cut her off. “Break the record.”

“You sure Zara is all right?”

“Yeah, she’s fine. Sleeping soundly in my bed, I’ll take care of her. You know I will.”

“I do. Call me if you need to, I’ll let you know if I get anything useful. He’s not dangerous, Loki. Not really. We can help him.”

Standing in the doorway with coffee I watch Zara sleep peacefully for a few minutes until she rolls onto her back, her blonde hair falling back onto the pillow and her long neck exposed. The purple hand print on her throat makes me sick to my stomach, as though he’s still got hold of her. Poor thing is going to be wearing scarves to cover it for a week at least.

I knew he’d be affected, we all know about PTSD and the suicide rate among soldiers, but this? If he’s this broken, this dangerous… none of us are a match for him regardless of how many arms he has at the time. I know Nat has a lot of faith in their treatments, but he’s been in their care for a year already and I just found him trying to choke the life out of someone I love. I’ll never get that image out of my mind.


	6. Accept, tag, and release

###  _ Bucky _

“Would you like to sit down?” Chris asks for what must be the tenth time.

“We need to do something more drastic,” I sneer, still pacing around the all-white room. “This isn’t working.”

“It is working, Bucky. You’re getting better-”

“I fucking tried to kill her,” I hiss. “Fuck, could you please just give me something before I actually crawl out of my own skin?”

“I will happily do that as soon as you explain to me what happened,” he says calmly. The man has more patience than I can fathom, even for a psychiatrist. It’s maddening.

“I told you. Beautiful woman. A friend. In my bed. I was supposed to be taking care of her. God, if he hadn’t been there… what if he wasn’t there?”

“What if who wasn’t there?”

“Loki.”

“What happened before that? Something must have set it off.”

“Nothing. I was asleep.”

“Who was she, Bucky? Tell me the truth. Who were you actually choking?”

“He didn’t have a face. I was lying there waiting… hot and there was dust in my eyes. I let my guard down to wipe them and he ambushed me, grabbed me from behind.”

“He? So it wasn’t Zara?”

“Of course if fucking wasn’t Zara! It wasn’t a fucking target either, was it! I made it up. My fucked up brain made it up out of nothing.”

“All right. It didn’t. You’re under stress, and only you know what’s causing it-”

“I just tried to kill an innocent woman, Chris.” Finally I sit down on the small metal bed and it creaks under my weight. 

“I know, mate. I mean underlying stress. You’re readings have been all over the place for a month and they spiked last night.” He stands and puts a code into the drug safe, pulling out a syringe and an unlabelled vial. “You’re going to get some sleep and we’ll talk about it tomorrow. Nothing’s changed, though. You’re on track, the treatment is working.”

“Bullshit it’s working. I’m dangerous. You tell me to get out there and make friends, that I should open up to them, and this is where it gets me.”

“I warned you it would worsen when the past was dragged up, that’s normal. Give it time.”

“You called Nat?”

“Yes. Zara is fine, she’s sleeping it off.”

“She needs to see a doctor. I could have crushed something.”

“Bucky, she’s fine. We’ll send someone to check on her.” He takes a section of my flesh between his fingers and depresses the plunger on the syringe, releasing the cocktail of tranquilisers into my arm.

“If you don’t do something to stop me from hurting anyone else, I’ll do it myself.”

“Maybe we’ll keep you a bit longer this time, would that make you more comfortable?”

I nod and lie down. I hate this part, I feel like I’m being dragged back to when I was three years old and mom was tucking me into bed, reassuring me that dad was safe and would be home soon. All that’s missing is a stuffed toy to cuddle.

“Yeah.”

“Get some rest, mate. We’ll talk when you’re feeling better.”

As though I have any choice.

I can feel the drugs acting on my brain and muscles, feel everything relax and become heavy like I’ll sink through the bed to the floor. My eyes fall closed and after a few minutes my brain shuts itself down until there’s nothing but sleep and nightmares I won’t remember.

* * *

“What are you doing here?” I eye Nat warily as she enters my room and looks around. She’s never visited me here before and from the look on her scrunched up face she’s unimpressed with the decor.

“Visiting you.” She moves in and lays a hand on my shoulder. “How you doin?”

“Making progress, I think.”

“Could this place be any more depressing? I know it’s the psych ward but c’mon, maybe they should make it a bit cheerful.”

“Cheerful involves objects you can harm yourself with, Nat.”

“I’d want to harm myself here, too.” She sits down on the bed. “Sorry.”

I wouldn’t have anyone else as my first visitor, having been here almost three weeks. Nat doesn’t sugar coat anything, doesn’t mince her words, and doesn’t treat me like a fragile little flower. She’s not afraid of me either, and I’m pretty sure she could take me down without breaking a sweat.

“I need to talk to Zara.”

“As soon as you get out of here-”

“No.” I shake my head. “I need you to bring her here.”

“I can’t do that, Bucky.”

“You’re head of security, you can do anything you want.”

“Maybe I don’t want to.”

“Is she OK?”

“She’s fine. Bruising took a couple of weeks but it’s almost gone. She understands you’ve been through a lot and it wasn’t aimed at her.”

“I need her to know I won’t be leaving here until I’m no longer a threat. I need to tell her that. She doesn’t have to be in the room if she’s scared, and we’ll have a guard.”

“She’s not scared, Bucky,” Nat whispers. “She feels for you.”

“I don’t want anyone’s sympathy,” I say through gritted teeth. “She shouldn’t fucking well understand. I did wrong, Nat. I can’t make it right if no one is game to tell me I’m a fucking monster.”

“You have PTSD, you’re not a monster.”

“I am a man-made killing machine. I had no remorse and I don’t deserve to be forgiven.”

“I don’t recall being invited to a pity-party, Buck. You know none of that is true, and it doesn’t work on me. I won’t bring her to you, she doesn’t need to hear you talk like this.”

I lean over and rip my hand through my hair. “Fuck!”

“I know you’re hurting, you’re not the first man to come back damaged, and you won’t be the first to heal from it and continue to live. That won’t happen until you stop hating yourself. I care about you, Bucky. We all do. I’ll come back in a couple of days.”

She stands and plants a kiss on the top of my head.

“89,” I whisper as she puts her hand on the door. 

“I know,” is all she says as she closes it. 

* * *

“Tell me about Zara,” Chris says in his deep, calm voice. After seeing him every second or third day for four weeks it’s starting to grate on me. He found me sitting out on the balcony with its panoramic view of New York; sprawling to infinity between the other towering skyscrapers and high enough for immunity from the cacophony of chaos below. If you can ignore the prison-like metal bars from ground to ceiling, that is. 

“She’s just a woman. A friend.”

“And she was in your bed because?”

“I told you. We were out, she was hammered, I took her home. Nothing happened that night.”

“But it has before.”

I puff the air out of my mouth. “Yes. We slept together once, while we were away camping. She’s a great girl, it was just a casual thing.”

“And yet, every time we talk about the camping trip you tense up. Did something similar happen that night?”

“No, nothing like that. A couple of nightmares, just the usual.”

Nightmares that kept me tossing and turning all night, waking up in a cold sweat and frightened to close my eyes. Nightmares where he touched me and I was so turned on I took him down with my rifle, his confused and contorted face screaming at me beyond the crosshairs. 

“Something, though. Bucky, I can’t help if you don’t tell me the whole story.”

“It wasn’t just Zara and me, Loki was there, too. We both… you know.”

“It was consensual, I assume.”

“Of course, what kind of--” I cut off and unclench my fists. 

“I only meant you seem incredibly uncomfortable.”

I am uncomfortable, and it’s got nothing to do with consent. “It has nothing to do with that.”

“Was there sexual contact between you and Loki?”

“Not really, nothing deliberate.”

He waits in silence. I can feel his eyes on me, waiting for me to crack. I’ve seen enough shrinks in my time to know this is their most effective and dangerous tactic. I draw a cigarette from the pack in front of me and take my time tapping it a few times on the outside before lighting it and savouring the first couple of puffs.

“We’d been chatting a bit before that, he was already in bed with her when I arrived. We talked a lot the night I attacked her as well.”

“Did it bother you, finding them in bed together?”

“Not at all.”

“Do you have feelings toward Loki?”

“No more than… no.”

More silence. I exhale through my nose, the smoke and chemicals burning on their way out.

“Maybe… I don’t know. When we were in bed, I… I liked it.”

My head starts to pound and I can feel the blood rushing through my ears. I cough as my chest constricts and I feel a knot tighten in my stomach. 

“Can we pick this up later?” I choke out.

He shakes his head. “I think we’re on to something. Something to do with Loki.”

“I’m not gay, Chris,” I snap. 

“I never said you were. Would it matter?”

“Yes. It shouldn’t. But yes. I saw guys in my unit beaten to a pulp for less.”

“So you are attracted to Loki.”

I nod. 

“And you’re ashamed.”

Another nod.

“Why?”

“Because I’m not gay!”

“The label doesn’t matter. You’re not a Marine anymore, your father isn’t here to judge. I want you to think about why you’re so bothered by your feelings.”

“I think I’m just broken and fucked up, there’s nothing more to it than that. When I left I was a regular guy, and now shit just happens out of nowhere. I reckon my brain was probably scrambled when we got hit.”

“Bucky, I don’t doubt that your brain might have been affected. I don’t think that’s what’s happening here, though.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Your episodes have worsened since your first encounter with Loki. That attraction, the negative reaction you’re experiencing, is the stressor.”

“So I need to stay away from him and I’ll be fine?”

“No,” he looks down and I think he’s hiding a smile. “Quite the contrary. I think you should see where it leads. Accept that it’s genuine and treat it like you would any other desire.”

“You think I should sleep with him?”

“No, I think you should let him in and get to know one another. And if you’re attracted to him, you feel a connection, go with it. The problem is that you’re fighting it, trying to squash it down and force it into silence. Even if you do nothing, accept that you have feelings toward him and they’re nothing to be ashamed of, it’s an improvement.”

“You really think that’s the issue here?”

“I think you have PTSD and that’s not something that goes away. We manage it. That means avoiding stress and having appropriate channels for your feelings so you don’t get this pressure cooker effect you’re experiencing now. We work on talking about those specific feelings you’re having and you’ll find the rest works itself out.”

“Whatever I have to do so I can’t hurt anyone else.”

“Also be aware that situations like the club where it’s noisy and you’re uncomfortable because of your hearing loss will predispose you to that sort of escalation. That night was just an unfortunate cocktail.”

“How do I even begin to apologise to her?”

“Stop thinking you’re broken, you’re a monster, whatever else you’ve been telling yourself. You’re human, a flawed man just like the rest of us, and you make mistakes. Get better, keep living. That’s what she wants to see.”

“I doubt Loki will ever speak to me again.”

“That’s neither here nor there. All you have to worry about is letting your own feelings happen without reacting negatively. If he does, great. If he doesn’t, you move on. I think you’re ready to go home.”

“No… not yet.”

“You’ve been here almost a month, Bucky. Your meds have been adjusted and you’re stable, you’re working almost full hours, we’ve made a breakthrough today. You need to face it sooner rather than later. Tomorrow morning.”


	7. Fingers on the trigger

###  **Loki**

“Guess who!?”

Two tiny hands cover my eyes, and even if that didn’t give her away the fact her voice came from down around my knees tells me it’s my favourite short-arse.

“Captain Barnacles.”

“Nope.”

“Tinkerbell?”

“Warmer,” she giggles. “But nope.”

“I’d know that sexy voice anywhere. Gotta be Nat.”

“Hey!” She shoves me from behind. 

“Zara, why must we play this blasted game?” I spin in her arms and catch her wrists in my hands. “How are you, love?”

“Better for seeing you. You’ve been avoiding me.”

“I haven’t. I knew Nat was looking after you.”

“Are we OK?”

“Of course. I should have been watching you more carefully, taken you home with me instead of letting you go with Bucky. I could have kept you safe.”

“None of the blame is yours, Loki. It wasn’t anyone’s fault.”

“I wish I could forgive as easily as you, little one.”

“You’d forgive me for the same in a heartbeat.”

Not for the first time she’s brought me to a grinding halt. She’s right, I would. I know she’d never do that if she were in her right mind, and if she weren’t I’d forgive just about anything. Bucky isn’t Zara, though. He’s a man who can lift her with his only arm and he should fucking well be able to control his own actions. Right?

“Here,” she puts a beer into my hand. “Just let that thought sink in for a while.”

With a pat on my shoulder she’s gone to talk to Nat and Peggy, leaving me to ponder my judgemental self alone. It’s not a male or female thing, more a case of me not knowing or trusting Bucky. I wanted to trust him, and he betrayed that by not telling us he might wake up in the middle of the night with a thirst for murder.

“You should go see him. He’s back in his apartment.” Nat has taken up the chair beside me. 

“Who?”

“Come on, Loki. I didn’t come down in the last heavenly shower. I know him, I know you.”

“Why didn’t you tell us he was dangerous?”

“When he’s stable he’s not. This is the exception, not the rule. He has some issues to work out and he’s doing that. You’ve known vets before. What about your brother?”

“My brother is an unstable maniac who backflipped because he couldn’t handle his own guilt. Rather than take responsibility for the death and destruction he turned into some sort of wannabe guru.”

“Well that’s a bit harsh,” she laughs. 

“Is it? Is it, really?”

“He did what he was taught to do.”

“Rule without mercy. Yes, I remember. Happens when you’re raised by a Warlord.” I nod and take a mouthful of beer. Of course she doesn’t have any real idea about my family, but the story she has is enough. “Oh, hold on. Weren’t we raised together? With the same influences?”

“Point taken. Do you ever forgive anyone?”

“If there’s obvious remorse, yes. Of course.”

She gives me a sickly-sweet smile and bats her eyelashes. 

“Bucky could really do with some friends right now. You know where he is, you really should go talk to him. At least withhold judgement until you do.”

“Maybe.”

I don’t know if her intention was for me to see Bucky tonight, but here I am at the entrance to the Stark tower residences. I’m quite sure when I left the bar I was heading home, but my feet have had other ideas and now that I’m here I guess I might as well.

“Who is it?” his gruff voice snaps through the intercom.

“It’s Loki. You wanna talk?”

The silence goes on for so long I’m about to turn away, and then the door buzzes to let me know I’ve been admitted.

“Come in,” he says at his door. I hadn’t looked at the time, but seeing him in nothing but a pair of faded, torn jeans I realise it’s just after midnight and he was likely in bed.

“Sorry, did I wake you?”

“Almost, but it’s cool. I was only going to bed because I was bored and there’s nothing on TV.”

A dog-eared copy of Hemingway’s  _ The Old Man and the Sea _ is on the coffee table, and I stop dead to take a closer look. It has a sticker on it from the second hand bookshop a few blocks away, I wonder to myself whether it came from Tony’s library or Bucky bought it for himself. Not at all what I would have picked for him.

As soon as he holds the cigarette between his lips and lights it I’m taken back to last time, everything is so similar and yet it feels like years have passed since that night.

“I owe you an apology, and a thank you for getting Zara out of here. I’m sorry you had to see that,” he says.

“You want to tell me what happened?”

“The short version is I thought she was someone else. I’m not used to… I haven’t had anyone in my bed since I got back. There’s no excuse for what I did, and it won’t happen again.”

“I believe you, I know you’ve got some stuff going on and you didn’t just attack her for no reason.”

“I’m so glad you were here. I’m not sure she could have snapped me out of it on her own. I’ve uh,” he pauses to draw back on his cigarette and fill the air in front of him with smoke, “been in the psych facility here for over a month. Trying to work out my triggers and get the meds right so I’m not a threat to others.”

“Wow. How’s it going?”

“I haven’t had any episodes since, so I think it’s safe to say I’m on top of it. Making progress, at least.”

“I’m glad.”

“Look, I understand if you guys don’t want to be around me. What I did… I wouldn’t be able to forget. I sure as hell won’t.”

“Of course we still want you around. The others just want to see you get better.”

“Not you?”

“Being here and seeing you trying to choke someone I care deeply about, it might take me a little longer. I want to understand, though. If you’re willing to talk about it.”

“I’ll try. What do you want to know?”

“Do you know what triggered it?”

“Yeah.” He downs the rest of his beer and stubs out his cigarette, and for a few seconds I think that’s all I’m going to get. “A combination of things. The noise in the bar for a start. I’m OK if I’m not trying to hold a conversation, but if I am it just overloads my brain trying to lipread and struggling to hear. I’m not great with lip reading at the best of times, but when it’s dark and there’s flashing lights it’s a nightmare. It’s something I’m going to practice and I’ll go back to have another assessment, see if there’s anything I can try to help my hearing.”

“I’m intrigued, how do you practice lip reading?”

“You block your ears up with ear putty and go out, basically. I fucking hate it,” he says with a tight smile. “I’m forever having to ask people to speak slower and repeat things.”

“You hate feeling like you're different, huh?”

“I hate feeling like a ‘disabled veteran’.” He uses air quotes to emphasise the term and frowns as though it leaves a bitter taste just saying the words. 

“At risk of having my head bitten off… aren’t you?”

“I don’t think I am. I’m looking at some amazing prosthetics that will make me better than I was before. They can’t do the same for my hearing or brain function yet, but when they do I’ll be… whatever the opposite is. An enhanced veteran, maybe?”

“Fair enough. You haven’t had that happen every time we’ve been to a club, though. Was there more to it?”

He clears his throat and scratches the stubble on his jaw. “You want another beer? I’m going to need one.”

“Sure.”

When he sits back down the outdoor couch creaks and shifts under me with his added weight, he hands me a bottle and lights another cigarette. 

“There’s some other stuff I’ve been struggling with for a while. A few weeks.” He drags back and lights up the end before I reach over and tug it from his fingers to draw back on it myself. Still, after all this time, I associate cigarettes with sex, and watching someone else smoke is sexy as hell even with the knowledge it’s slowly killing them.

_ I wonder if Stark are working on that, too? _

By way of offering me one he puts the packet and lighter between us, but I’m more content sharing the one balanced between his lips. I’m about to prompt him when he runs his hand through his hair and continues, his voice so soft I have to concentrate to hear.

“I like you, Loki. It makes me uneasy and uncomfortable, and it frightens the fucking shit out of me.”

His blue eyes continue their stare out over the city even when I’m watching him, almost begging him to look at me. “Is it me?”

“No,” he shakes his head. “It’s me. I wasn’t raised to be tolerant. I’m a Marine in a long line of the same; strong, manly, hetero men.”

“So you think having feelings for another man is wrong?”

“I wish I could say no. That’s what caused the stress. My therapist thinks I need to own it and accept it. Try to go with it rather than push it down or fight it.”

Thoughts are whirling around in my head and I can’t decide which to latch on to. He ‘likes’ me, and he thinks it’s wrong, and that’s why he lost the plot with Zara. I push myself up and pace slowly up and down the balcony, I can’t sit still any longer.

“I’m sorry, I know this is a lot to process.”

“I don’t even know what to say. What do you want me to do?”

“I’m not expecting you to do anything.”

“You know I feel the same though, right? I told you. I asked you out. Are you saying you want us to date?”

“I don’t know.”

Seeing the tension in his shoulders and neck I force myself to sit down by his side again, but when I try to touch his hand he pulls away. 

“Bucky, look at me.”

Gods, his eyes are so blue. I’ve never seen anything like them. Right now they’re so tortured I want to look away, but I also want to make it better. 

“I want to help you. To be honest I want to do a lot of other things to you as well,” that puts a smile on his face that lights up the air around us, “but I’ll do whatever you need. I still feel like I hardly know you, you’re so guarded.”

“I’ll try not to be, it’s a difficult habit to break.”

“Tell me about the book you’re reading.”

“It’s about an old man, Santiago. A fisherman who has gone 84 days without a catch…” While he talks I reach over and let my fingers graze over his; he watches and his shoulders tense but he doesn’t pull away. At the first touch of his skin on mine my nerve endings fire and crackle to life, every sensation on my fingertips is heightened. He’s still speaking but all I can focus on is the veins in the back of his hand.

“I’m really enjoying…” he continues and trails off as I turn his hand and trace the lines on his palm, up to the ends of his fingers and back the other way to the veins on his wrist like a blue and purple city map. His eyes are on mine and I lace our fingers together before looking back at him. “... that. The book, I mean. I assume you’ve read it.”

“Yeah.”

His skin is smooth but has the remnants of callouses at the base of each finger; what I assume is years of training and weathering. I let my gaze drag across him slowly, taking in his shoulder and chest, the tattoo over his right side. 

“Is there a story behind the tattoo?”

It’s a circle with a cross and now that I can see it more clearly than before I realise it’s the crosshairs you’d find on targeting equipment.

“I was a sniper, it’s sort of our thing. A few of the guys got the same done, we went as a group just before we shipped out for the first tour. Young, dumb, and naive as hell.”

“Is it your only one?”

He laughs, a deep rumble that makes my skin tingle. “On my arm I had another two. Nice ones, too. I was so pissed when I realised.” He pulls forward so I can see the eagle that covers his shoulder blade and stops at the stump of his arm. 

“Wow,” I gasp. The detail is extraordinary and it’s fully coloured in red, white, and blue. I move to the other side for a closer look and while I’m there I get a good look at his stump as well. The skin on the end is bulbous and scarred with raised pink lines running in all directions like a crazy labyrinth, the mismatched colours of tattooed and bare skin making the joins more obvious. I hiss through my teeth and he tenses again.

“Sorry, do you not like people to see?”

“Mostly they just don’t want to. You’re the first who’s actually been interested aside from Nat. The first who’s looked at me like I’m nothing different and don’t need special treatment.”

“You don’t strike me as the kind who needs to be handled with care. A little extra time to adjust, perhaps.”

He picks up a t-shirt from the other chair and tugs it on.

“Bucky, I didn’t mean to-”

“It’s fine, I’m just cold.”

I’m afraid he’s shutting down again, and we sit in silence for what feels like hours. When I’m about to get up to go home he sets his beer down and reaches over to thread his fingers between mine. Like a child exploring for the first time he watches our hands slide against one another, turning mine over to examine my palm and wrist and tracing the lines with his fingertip. 

As soon as he made contact my cock twitched against the leather of my pants and now the more his cool fingers move over my skin the harder I get. If I weren’t scared he’d flit away I’d groan at his light touch, I’m imagining how it would be the first time he touched my naked body and burning up with anticipation.

“I’m not expecting monogamy,” he says suddenly, and when I look over he’s looking right into my eyes.

All I can think to do is laugh, if nothing else it shatters the tension that was building around us. 

“You mean you want me but I can still sleep with women?”

“Or other men, I guess.”

“I don’t want any other men, Bucky.”

“Other women, then. I don’t know where this is going to go, or how much time I’m gonna need, so… you’re not a relationship kind of guy. I don’t expect infinite patience.”

“You’ve got a week and then I’m done.” 

His blue eyes widen but when he sees the grin on my face he laughs. Bucky’s laugh is so rare, when it happens it’s pure joy. 

“I got ways to get my rocks off, don’t you worry about it. Unless you’re planning on getting action on the side?”

“I’m not, no,” he chuckles. “I’ve got plenty going on without whatever this is and a bit on the side. I doubt Zara will be coming anywhere near me and I don’t know if I trust myself.”

“Like I said, they all know you weren’t trying to hurt her. Including Zara.”

“I’d just as soon never be around anyone again, but apparently that won’t help.”

“Would also be very boring.”

“Safe, though.” He pulls his hand back and scrubs his face with it. “God, if I’d hurt her…”

“You’re getting help. And you have friends, I think you forget that. All of us would do anything you needed.”

“Thanks,” he says with a nod. 

“I should head home, let you get some sleep.”

“Not that it comes easily, but yeah. Probably. I’m glad you stopped by.”

“Me too.”

He stands to see me out and I can feel tension oozing off him as I follow him to the door. When he gets there he stops and turns so abruptly there’s only a millimetre separating us. Before he can back away my hand finds his hip and I lean in, leaving a soft kiss on his stubbled cheek. His scent fills my nostrils and clouds my head, the proximity of his warm body making it difficult to pull back.

Bucky’s head turns before I pull away and his nose grazes mine, daring my mouth to engulf his. He nuzzles me for a moment before his lips are seeking mine, gentle and unsure, letting our mouths meet for the first time as he breathes me in. It’s brief but unapologetic, and leaves me wanting so much more. 

“Good night, Loki,” he whispers, his lips almost touching mine.

“Good night, Bucky.”

Taking this slow is going to be torture.


	8. Of robot arms and sweet kisses

###  _**Bucky** _

Sleep eludes me.

When I close my eyes I see names, faces, target stats, mug shots… I try to force more pleasant images but my brain won’t cooperate. 

Tonight, for the first time since the camping trip, my mind was quiet. 

Now that Loki has kissed me goodnight it’s making up for that quiet with a screaming opera composed of every negative thought I’ve ever had. I still smile at the memory, and for a fleeting moment everything is hushed once again.

I look down at the pills in my hand, knowing they’ll bring me the rest I so desperately need. They also bring vivid nightmares, though, and terrifying paralysis if I wake before they wear off. Before the incident with Zara I only needed them on rare occasions when the regular meds weren’t enough, when things were really bad. Before the incident with Zara I’d never hurt anyone, though. Since being back in my apartment alone I’m afraid of what I might do, what I might be capable of if I got out of the building. 

One pink, one yellow, they go down easily with a glass of water before I switch off the lamp and lie in the darkness waiting for that god awful sinking to begin.

* * *

 

“You’re a fucking sniper, why didn’t you just take the shot?!”

Gulping in air, I sit up sluggishly and rub my eyes as Cameron’s voice fades away. Another day begins with rain spattering on the windows, grey sky outside making it impossible to determine how early it is. I can hear my alarm so it must be just after six, my trainer will be waiting in the gym in ten minutes.

After an intense workout my presence has been requested on the medical floor so I wait impatiently in the foyer, thinking about all the work I could be doing instead of sitting here overthinking. My phone bleeps and I find a text from Loki:

_ Dinner and drinks at my place tomorrow night. _

My nerves are calmed when I realise it’s a group text he’s sent to everyone. This is the kind of social gathering I can get behind, where I can actually hold conversations.

“Bucky, come in.”

Jamie has been working with me from the day I arrived. A skilled surgeon with a speciality in amputees and implants he insisted on opening me back up to fix the quick fix the army doctors apparently did on my arm. He later told me they’d prepared me perfectly for a regular prosthetic, just not the kind Tony had hand-picked me for. 

Now he tells me I’ll be back under the knife next week and from then on a titanium rod will protrude from the stump almost to elbow level. 

“That’s what the cybernetic arm will attach to, but the magic will happen in your upper arm. We’ll do a bit of fiddling with the nerves-”

“I hate it when you say ‘a bit of fiddling,’. We’re talking about my arm, here.” I smile and shake my head.

“You trust me, right?”

“Of course. Carry on.”

“I’ll tinker around until they’re exactly right for the receptors in the arm. You know what that means?”

“I’ll have a robot arm?”

“You’ll control it with your brain. No pulleys, less re-training your muscles. Your nerves will send the signal on to the receptors and it will do what you tell it to do. Right now we’re working on getting messages to flow back, but it’s been a bit hit and miss.”

“OK. So Monday?”

“Yeah. You’ll be up and about that night and go back to your apartment on Wednesday if all goes well. Once it heals we can start trialling the arm. Do you want to see?”

“Hell yeah.”

He takes me into his lab and pulls out something that reminds me of Star Wars; like he’s stolen Threepio’s arm and painted it grey.

“It’s metal. I thought it would be more… skin-like.”

“If you’re worried about the aesthetic we can cover it in silicon, but this is far better. Superior durability, lighter because the components are well protected and don’t need cushioning. Hold it, it’s titanium, lighter than your real arm.” He hands it to me and I can’t believe the lack of weight, considering the one I don’t like wearing is about three times the weight of my arm. “We’ll fix that, by the way. Weight it properly so you’re even.”

“I… wow. I don’t even know what to say. Thanks, man. I know how hard you’ve worked on this.”

“That’s my job. You still having hearing issues?”

“A little. Last test I was at 45 decibels left ear and 30 on the right.”

“It’s deteriorated.”

“Yep.”

“We can look at implants when you’re ready. If you can hold off a bit there’s a new one we’re looking into that would probably work better for you. And don’t tell anyone, but there’s been some success in Germany with isolating the area responsible for negative responses to memory.”

“You mean flashbacks, violent episodes, that sort of thing?”

“Yes. It’s not here yet, but Tony has asked me to look into it. The procedure lacks finesse, but in extreme cases it’s life-changing.”

I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders. Like I have a safety net, a backup plan. Even if I can’t get a handle on it, I won’t have to live like this forever. They can take the monster out.

There’s hope.

* * *

 

To make up for my morning off and get in some extra work before I’m out of action next week I stay in the office until just after eleven. I’m still avoiding my apartment, it doesn’t feel like the safe place it once did.

Still, I’m in a better mood today than I have been in a long time, and I leave a bit to do tomorrow before heading up to my floor.

Zara sits just outside my door with her knees pulled up to her chest and her head resting on them, humming quietly to herself. Her blonde hair is woven up into a bun and she’s wrapped an oversized cardigan around her tiny frame.

She looks up at me as soon as I exit the elevator, standing to greet me with a warm smile.

“Hey, stranger,” she kisses my cheek and clasps her arms tight around my neck. “I’m sorry I haven’t been to see you sooner.”

“Don’t you dare apologise.” I set her back down on her feet and unlock the door, ushering her inside before I pick her up in a bear hug. “God, Zara. I’m so so sorry. I’m so sorry.” I bury my face in her neck, the scent of her hair filling my nostrils when I draw a shaky breath. 

“It’s OK. I’m OK.” Her tiny, delicate hands rub my back and tears fill my eyes. “I forgive you, I understand.”

“You shouldn’t.”

She pulls back and waits for me to look her in the eye. “Yes, I should. And I do. Whether you like it or not.” Reaching up on her toes she kisses my cheek. “Thank you for taking care of me that night. Whatever else happened you did me a favour and got me out of my own shit.”

“I couldn’t let that guy treat you that way. Can I get you anything?” I ask, wiping my eyes. 

She shakes her head. “I won’t stay long, I was visiting Nat. You coming to Loki’s tomorrow?”

“Yeah,” I try to will away the heat in my cheeks. “Yeah, I am.”

“You guys been talking?”

“Did he tell you that?”

“No, but I saw him last night and I thought he might come over after he left. And you just blushed like the cat that got the cream.”

“He did, yeah. We had a good talk.”

“Good.” She nods. “How are you doing? You look kinda tired.”

“Just had a long day, I was working until I came up. You should have called, I’d have come home earlier.”

“I’d only been here a few minutes. I’m going to let you get some sleep, I just wanted to come see you before tomorrow.”

“Thank you, sweetheart. You’re more than I deserve.”

“I’m not, Bucky. I’ll see you tomorrow.”

* * *

 

Approaching Loki’s house I’m a churning mixture of anticipation and anxiety. His is the only house I haven’t been to before and when I arrive on his doorstep I expect to find out I have the wrong address. 

Tribeca is not the neighbourhood I’d have guessed Loki would have an apartment in, but I’ve known that for a while. He didn’t mention living in the Verizon building, though. That bookshop can not possibly be his only income and for the first time I feel like I don’t really know him, yet I find comfort in that rather than confusion. I want to get to know him, it excites me.

I said I’d arrive a little early because I want to tell him about next week without sharing it with the others, especially in front of Nat. Given I’m not supposed to tell anyone I figure if I’m going to break the rules I should avoid doing so in front of the head of security.

If I was surprised by the outside of the building, I’m blown away by the inside of his apartnent. The poetic irony of a sea of grey tones doesn’t escape me for a second. It’s everywhere in various shades, only broken by the occasional regal green. For the most part the living areas are open and light, the long windows still admitting the last streaks of the day with the heavy curtains pulled back. 

He takes my hand and pulls me inside to close the door, planting a soft kiss on my lips, and the effect is immediate -- my mind falls silent and nothing else exists.

“Hi,” he says almost shyly when we part. Still holding my hand loosely he walks us to the couch and sits down. “Before I give you the tour, you had something to tell me?”

“I’m having surgery on Monday, they’re starting the foundation for my new arm.”

“Incredible. What are they going to do?”

I explain in the same detail Jamie gave it to me, and his cool blue eyes never leave mine. They have an aqua tinge today, like the blue-green of the sea, and his dark eyebrows knit together in concentration. 

“I’m not supposed to tell anyone, though. Just keep it to yourself?”

“Absolutely. That’s so amazing they can do that. Can I come and see you after?”

“I’ll be home on Wednesday so any night after that.” Looking down at our interlaced fingers as Loki’s thumb strokes back and forth on mine a smile spreads across my face. All this time I fought away awkward feelings about him and now I don’t give a fuck about any of it. I doubt I’ll be shouting it from the rooftops any time soon, but I can at least admit it out loud. “And I’d really like to see you.”

“Ok. It’s a date.”

Loki smiles, his eyes crinkling in the corners, and warmth spreads through my whole body. I bring his hand up and leave light kisses on his smooth knuckles, examining his long fingers. His skin is soft, without the scars or calluses of my own, and desire builds deep in my belly. I want those hands on me, touching and exploring, guiding me. All at once I want to take things slowly, savour every new experience; and jump in with both feet, take everything now and leave nothing undone.

For now I release his fingers and thread my hand into his hair, tugging the band from the back until it falls around his shoulders. He shakes his head and chuckles as it hits his face, and my fingertips are tracing over the back of his neck while I rest my forehead on his and breathe in his scent. The spicy citrus fills my head until I can’t hold back, and I slant my lips down to his. His kiss is soft and tender, unhurried and reminding me we have all the time in the world. I suck gently on his bottom lip and open up for his tongue as he licks the seam.

_ Knock knock knock. _

Loki groans and closes his lips on mine, smacking a kiss against them before resting his forehead on mine and chuckling.

“I’ll be right with you, Zara,” he calls toward the door.

“How do you know it’s Zara?”   
“She has a key for emergencies. She’ll let herself up to my floor to save me buzzing her in.” 

“Whatcha doing in there, Loki?” she sing-songs through the door.

He releases me and stands from the couch, adjusting his jeans on the way to the door while I try to do the same without drawing attention. It’s been a while since I had a throbbing erection from a fully clothed kiss with no tongue. 

High school, probably.

“Hi! Ohhhh, hi!” she says when she spots me on the couch. “Awww… you’re both blushing the same colour.”

Loki swats her arse as she moves past him through the door. “Hey, sweet. How are you?” I ask when she sits down next to me.

“I’m great! Don’t let me interrupt whatever you guys were doing.”

“We were just talking.” 

“Sure you were.” She winks at me. 

“Come make yourself useful, Polly Pocket,” Loki says from the kitchen. 

Zara chops up pizza toppings while Loki kneads the dough and I fetch plates and glasses. While I’m setting them on the table I can’t take my eyes off Loki’s hands massaging the dough until it’s pliable and elastic in his fingers. He catches me watching him and smiles, his eyes lingering on me for a second before returning to the bench. 

Within the hour everyone is crowded around the couch and dining table munching on pizza and sipping beer and wine. I’m mid-conversation with Nat and Clint when Loki touches my waist from behind.

“This OK?”

“What? Your hand?” His face is right next to mine, his cheek grazing my jaw, and his chuckle into my ear sends shivers down my spine. 

“The noise, Bucky.”

“Oh,” I laugh. “Yeah. You don’t have to worry about me.”

“I know, I just wondered. If you’d said yes I would have told you to go home.” He leaves me laughing as he walks away and when I look back up from my beer Nat and Clint are both giving me  _ that  _ look. 

“What?”

“Nothing,” Nat says with a smirk before turning to Clint. “Babe, would you get me a wine? Bucky and I are going to have a chat on the terrace.”

“Are we?”

In response she crooks her finger and starts walking, leading me out to the small, empty terrace. 

“I just wanted to see how you’re feeling about your surgery on Monday.”

“Good. Excited to be moving forward.”

“How’s it going with Chris?”

“Great. He’s happy with my progress. No more episodes.”

“You sleeping?”

“Yeah, on and off. Chill, Nat.”

“Oh I just wanted to get all that out of the way so we could talk about Loki.”

“What about Loki?” I swig from my beer and set it down to light a cigarette. 

“You and Loki. You’re smiling.”

“Is that a problem?”

“It’s unusual, that’s all. I like it.”

“Hopefully it will be a regular occurrence.”

I catch his eye through the window and he winks almost imperceptibly, reminding me about that kiss I’m quite keen to finish.

“Bucky?”

“Hm?”

“Did they show you the arm?” she yells.

“Yes, and I’m not deaf. I just wasn’t listening.”

“I thought as much. Pretty neat, huh?”

“It’s amazing. Do you know any more about the neuro treatments they’re doing in Germany?”

“Only that it’s like using a bulldozer to hammer a nail in. Pretty heavy stuff.”

“Jamie said it lacks finesse.”

“It’s good for severe cases, people who can’t live any longer the way they are. For you it would be unneccessary I’d think.”

“I was just curious. I’m doing OK for now.”

She leaves me to finish my cigarette and joins the others in the loungeroom, while I look out over the city. I can see the corner of Stark tower from here, out across the endless city lights to the horizon. Lost in my own thoughts I don’t hear him approaching, I just feel a warm body pressed against my cold back.

“Hey,” he says, taking a drag of my cigarette when I offer it over my shoulder. 

“I should stop enabling you.” I stubb it out in the ashtray on the corner table and lean back into him.

“No, you really shouldn’t.” His breath on my neck sends shocks straight to my erection and in a matter of secondds it’s trying to bust out of my jeans. I turn and push him back against the bricks with my body, kissing him hard against the wall until our tongues are gliding against one another and his hands are roaming over my chest and shoulders. 

This time he’s not gentle but hungry, pushing back against me and arounsing me further. My fingers thread into his silken hair, holding his face and mouth against mine while our tongues wrestle and explore. His breathing deepens and I can hear it grow faster as his torso and hips press against mine, his erection hardening against my leg.

Laughter from inside brings us both back to the present and it feels like hours we rest our foreheads together and catch our breath. I open my eyes and pull back to find Loki’s pupils blown wide with lust, his pale cheeks flush with glorious pink. Tracing my fingers over his cheek and jaw I caress his face in my hand and he rubs his cheek against my palm before brushing it with his lips. 

If either one of us had any doubt about the other’s desires before, we certainly don’t now. I kiss him softly again before we join the others inside, but the remaining time until they leave for the bar around the corner I can’t stop watching him. Deep in conversation with Steve he gesticulates wildly with his hands, touching his own chest where his black shirt is unbuttoned, tucking his raven hair back behind his ear, scratching at his jaw. 

I’ve only had a couple of beers but I feel drunk and giddy, like my feet don’t really have a hold on the ground. 

“The others are heading around the corner,” Loki says while we’re clearing the table. “I understand if you’re not up for it, though.”

“It’s been a long week, I might just head home. Unless…”

“I wasn’t planning on going. Why don’t I walk you?”

With a will of its own my hand rests on his hip and I lean in from behind him to kiss his cheek. “I’d like that.”


	9. Just a taste

###  ** Loki **

I wouldn’t recommend walking the streets of Manhattan hand in hand with another man, but I imagine we make a formidable force to anyone considering confrontation. With Bucky’s broad shoulders and dark coat there’s no indication he’s missing an arm, not that he’d need both to take someone down. I’ve seen it in action. 

My long, leather coat swishes around my calves as we walk, and it only takes a few minutes before we’re at Stark tower and he’s pulling me inside his apartment.

I don’t mean to be forceful, but as soon as the door closes I pin him against it and kiss his mouth, gripping the back of his hair as our tongues thrust against each other. My cock is grazing against the fly of my pants, trying to take over my thoughts. Bucky’s hand rests on my chest, eventually trailing down over my ribs to my lower back and pulling me against him. He must feel my hardness on his leg now, and when I move my fingers under the hem of his shirt to the bare skin of his flank I’m about to lose my mind.

He moans into my mouth. It’s sweet and masculine and intoxicating, hits every nerve ending in my body. 

Taking that as permission I work both hands under his shirt and up over the warmth of his back, dragging my fingertips and short nails down his spine. In the flex of his muscles I feel him tense and pull back to search his eyes, praying I haven’t gone too far. He takes the opportunity to toss off his leather jacket and peel up his t-shirt, leaving his upper body naked. 

A sharp breath hisses between my teeth.

He spins me around and hangs my coat behind the door before taking my hand and leading me down the short hall to his bedroom, sitting down on the bed. His fingers are starting to unbutton my shirt when he stops and scrubs his hand over his face.

“I didn’t think this through, is this all right? Being in here?”

I nod. “Yeah. I know it wasn’t really you. As long as you’re OK with it.”

“I am. There’s a panic button by the door if you need it. In every room.”

His eyes are dark and pained and I brush his cheek with my hand, surprised when he laughs out loud. 

“I can imagine how that must look. It’s like I’m running some sort of torture chamber.”

“You can torture me, if that’s what you’re into.”

He flashes a bright smile and works out the last two buttons, tugging my shirt off my shoulders and pulling me closer to him.

“Lie down,” I whisper in his ear, pushing him back toward the pillows. 

On top of the covers he shuffles back and lies on his side, patting beside him. 

Bucky’s chest is impossibly broad, his pecs and shoulders evidence of daily hours in the gym. A beige sock of fabric covers the stump of his right arm to the shoulder, the other draped over his contoured abs and that delicious ‘V’ pointing down beneath his jeans. 

Lust and desire are burning me from the inside and I wait a few beats to join him on the bed, wanting to take my time so he doesn’t skitter away like a frightened kitten.

Guiding him onto his back I prop on one elbow and run my hand down his neck, smiling when I touch behind his ear and he shudders. Down his collarbone to his chest, the smooth dark hairs scattered over it feel like silk under my fingers and I trail down the centre to his shallow navel before my lips slant down to catch his in another heated kiss. 

As I kiss down from his neck my tongue finds the occasional rough, scarred skin, and I smooth over it gently with my lips, feeling his deepening breaths as his chest expands up to me. He groans when i graze his nipple, flicking over it with my tongue and leaving it with a wet sheen. Overcome with need to feel his skin on mine I drag my tongue back up over his throat, kiss the rough stubble on his jaw and claim his mouth, pulling him onto his side and against me. Before long our hips are grinding together but I hold back, knowing neither of us are ready for actual sex. The more I think about his cock though, the more mine grows until I either have to stop or take off my pants.

I smack light kisses against his lips and pull back. 

“Turn over on your front,” I instruct while adjusting my pants. Evidently he’s having the same problem because he wriggles his hips for a few seconds before standing up.

“Um, Loki?”

“What’s wrong?”

“I have to get out of these, they’re killing me.”

“Take them off, then,” I chuckle. “I can look away if you like.”

“You don’t have to.” If there were more light I’m sure I’d see his cheeks redden. 

“May I?”

I move to sit on the edge of the bed and he bites his lip as he stands between my open legs. My fingers actually tremble slightly as I fumble with the button on his jeans and for the first time I realise I’m nervous as hell about what’s coming next. 

I can pleasure a woman blindfolded with my hands behind my back. Hell, I could probably do it with nothing but my feet if I had to. But a man? I know what I like, but it’s not necessarily the norm to enjoy anal penetration so what if I really don’t know the first thing about male pleasure?

Bucky’s hand takes mine and he pulls me up to standing. 

“We don’t have to do this,” he says between kisses on my lips and jaw. 

“I want to. I want all of you. I just don’t want you to run for the hills because of something I did.”

“Loki,” he runs his hand down the centre of my torso but keeps his blue eyes locked on mine. “I have never in my life been aroused by another man. But you…” he unfastens my pants and hooks a thumb into the waistband, tugging until they fall from my hips to the floor. “You make me want and feel and  _ need  _ things I never considered before. Yeah, I was uncomfortable with it, but when you touch me I don’t care anymore.” He takes my hand again and guides it between us to the zipper that restrains his erection and presses his open mouth over mine while I push his jeans down his legs. When his pelvis presses against mine only cotton shorts separate us and I have to fight the urge to rut against him, throw him on the bed and take him hard and fast.

That would almost certainly have him running for the hills.

Instead I squeeze his firm, round arse and roll my hips against him while our tongues thrust against each other and his moans grow louder until he breaks away from my lips and buries his head in my neck.

“Oh god, Loki. Fuck.” His teeth drag across the skin below my ear and my knees feel ready to buckle.

I extricate myself and lie back on the pillows, pulling him down on top of me. My legs fall to either side of his hips and I’m expecting him to grind against me but instead he moves back as his lips and tongue trail over my chest, taking a nipple into his mouth and biting it gently until I moan and arch into him. Continuing downward his nose and tongue make a path to the elastic of my shorts…

And he nuzzles against my cock, which throbs painfully in response as shocks fire outward in all directions. Christ.

Through the thin fabric I feel his teeth nip playfully, his mouth opening to suck at one of my balls before nipping again. 

“By the fucking Norns that feels good,” I growl. 

He lies back on top of me and for a few minutes we just grind together while the air grows thick with moans and the musky scent of arousal. My hands find their way between his shorts and the skin of his arse, squeezing and kneading and pulling him hard against me so our erections rub together. I can’t wait any longer, I push them down and he wriggles them off without hesitation, sitting back on my thighs so his thick pink dick is exposed to me. His head falls back with a low gasp when I close my hand around it and slide up and down, a bead of precum appearing immediately on the tip. Rubbing it around with my thumb I savour his reaction to my touching him; every hiss and thrust of his hips, the shudder of his shoulders and pinch of his fingers on my nipple.

Abruptly he smiles and climbs off to sit beside me, tugging my shorts down my legs and watching my cock like a man in the desert eyeing a glass of water. He strokes once, twice; takes my balls in his hand and squeezes gently before stroking my cock and tracing his thumb around the crown. Working his way back down again his lips kiss the tip tenderly, licking at it softly while keeping those brilliant blue eyes on mine. 

They fall closed as he takes the end between his lips and further into his mouth -- I don’t see anything after that as my head falls heavily into the pillows and my eyes scrunch shut so I don’t come too soon. I’m impressed with the amount he can take without gagging, his tongue never giving away its lack of experience as he flattens it against the underside to use its painfully intense texture on the bundle of nerves under the head. 

Satisfied I’m not going to disgrace myself, I prop up on two elbows to watch this beautiful man sucking my cock. What he can’t fit in his mouth he grips with his hand, alternating his speed and pressure to keep the glorious point of no return just out of my reach. His weight presses down on my thigh while he shifts his arm, and his thumb begins stroking past my balls and back toward my arse. 

His warm saliva dribbles downward and he spreads it further until he reaches my hole, until his warm, wet finger is circling and teasing it, pushing against it until it breaches the tight muscle. He groans his appreciation around my cock and it shoots through my balls and core, bringing me almost to the edge. 

“Fuck, if you keep that up I’ll come.”

“That’s the aim,” he says, lying his head on my stomach. “You have a fuckin beautiful dick, Loki.”

Before I can respond he inches in further and my body spasms as his finger presses against that magic spot, and instead of saying something articulate all I can do is cry out. He strokes over it firm and slow while taking my length in his mouth again and I can’t hold on.

“Bucky,” I gasp. “I’m gonna come.”

I expect him to take the warning and finish me off with his hand, but he takes me further until I must be hitting the back of his throat. The thought alone is enough, and I erupt into his mouth while my body quivers and shakes and my fingers fist the sheets.

He lies back next to me with a wide grin while I recover.

“Huh,” he says, staring at the ceiling and licking his lips. “Totally not what I expected.”

“What did you expect? Strawberry milk?” I prop up on one shoulder and trace a line around his pecs. 

“I dunno. Something unpleasant.”

He stops me with a hand on my neck when I begin kissing his stomach. “Loki, you don’t have to… I mean I don’t…” he trails off and looks down at his feet like a little boy who’s broken his mother’s favourite vase.

“You don’t want me to finger you?”

“I do, but… I don’t know if I’ll like it like you do.”

I resume my position on the pillow beside him with my head in my hand so I can look down into his face.

“Bucky, do you trust me?”

“Yes. With this I do.”

“Then you know you can always stop me. One word and I’ll stop, and if you ask me beforehand not to do something then I won’t do it. I’m not here to push your boundaries or give you some fucking sexual awakening. I’m here because you turn me on. Plain and simple.”

He smiles and nods and I slant my lips down to his while my hand finds his cock and strokes slowly.

Even while I stroke him with my hand I know he won’t last long, he’s already thrusting against me like a wild animal. Still, I don’t plan on making it easy.

Flush and pulsating with blood, the tip sprouts a drop of precum when I knead his balls, the deep pink shaft bobbing toward his stomach. He gasps at the first contact of my tongue and lips, moaning deeply when I take him in my mouth and suck back to the head again and again. My fingers toy with his sack and occasionally move backward between his cheeks when he thrusts up into my mouth. 

I let myself be guided by his moans and words, exploring the deep crevasse while varying the speed with my mouth; rubbing gently over and around his hole without breaching it even though he spreads wider each time. Soon he’s arching up, his soft tip brushing the back of my throat as he cries out his impending orgasm and tangles his fingers in my hair. I swallow every drop proudly, licking the remnants from below the head before kissing my way back to his mouth; which hangs open gasping for air. 

He wordlessly stretches his arm out for me to lie in the crook of his shoulder and tugs the covers over us when I do. I snuggle against him and listen to his heart and breathing slow as he comes down.


	10. Unrest

###  Bucky

I wanted to believe I could sleep with Loki in my bed. I wanted to be the guy who could just lie there while he slept, but when my only arm goes to sleep from lack of bloodflow it makes me anxious -- I feel like a turtle stuck on its shell. 

I tried the couch, but I still couldn’t fall asleep. I can’t take meds with him here, and I’m too scared to sleep without them in case it happens again. 

I’m pretty sure we’d be over before we begun. I don’t understand why he’d want to get involved with such a mess, or why he’d think it’s worth the hassle. It’s not that I don’t see my own redeeming qualities, but it’s difficult to imagine any kind of happy ending here. I killed 89 men, and I remember every name and face. I witnessed and confirmed most of their deaths personally. 

I don’t remember much of a life before the Marines -- what I do I’d sooner forget -- and this sort of stuff isn’t exactly polite dinner conversation. 

And then, even if all of that wasn’t enough to keep me awake, there’s the events of this evening. Everything we did I was programmed to believe was unnatural, and I want more. There are things I crave, things I fantasise about Loki doing, that I can’t even say out loud. Never in my darkest dreams would I have thought I’d suck another man’s cock and not only enjoy it but almost cum all over myself when he erupted down the back of my throat. Now I find myself wondering what it might be like for him to empty himself into other parts of me…

A sharp stab of pain jolts me back to reality and I rub at the flaps of skin over what remains of my arm. Jamie thinks they can help with that, too -- the phantom pains that come and go in the part of my arm that isn’t there anymore. I can’t believe I’m finally having the surgery in a couple of days, that in a few weeks I’ll have a titanium arm controlled by my own thoughts. I can’t stop the anxiety when I think about it, though. What if it doesn’t work? What if I’ve got my hopes up for nothing and it just doesn’t work for me?

If only they could fix my brain so easily. 

The sun is almost peeking over the horizon when Loki finds me dragging on a cigarette on the balcony. He’s pulled on his pants and nothing else, and despite severe lack of sleep my body is very much awakened.

“Hey, I’m sorry I fell asleep. I didn’t think about… I wasn’t thinking about much of anything,” he chuckles and stretches back with a satisfied yawn, his lean torso rippling.

“It’s fine. I tried to sleep with you but I just…” I let the thought trail off, he knows. “I wanted to.”

“I’ll head home shortly so you can get some rest.”

“No rush,” I shrug. “It will be morning soon. I can function without sleep.”

“I don’t know how anyone manages without it, my brain just doesn’t start up if I don’t get enough.”

“What are you doing out here, then?” I smile.

“I woke up alone in someone else’s bed and the someone else was nowhere to be found. Maybe he should come back to bed, I can always sleep later.”

“Sounds like an interesting proposition.”

He stands and holds out his hand. “When was the last time you had a good ‘make-out and explore’ session, Barnes?”

“Uh… I think I was a teenager,” I laugh, taking his fingers in mine.

“They’re highly underrated.”

Lying in my bed he kisses me until my lips are bruised, exploring with his hands but never lingering too long in the same place. With his body half draped over mine he threads his fingers through my hair, stroking through it and tucking it back behind my ear before kissing me again. Our tongues tangle together, gliding back and forth and over each other’s lips gentle and slow. When he pulls back he rubs his thumb lightly over my lips, catching it on the bottom for a second before I kiss and bite it playfully. 

On my side with Loki’s head on the pillow beside me I trace the contours of his shoulders and chest as the first light of sunrise filters through the city and casts a golden glow over his porcelain skin. Beneath the covers our legs are casually laced together, my eyes trail down over his bare torso to his waist. His abs are surprisingly well-defined, I can draw a line with my finger around eight segments that flex when his breath catches. When I look back up at his face he shifts on the pillow to see me better, watching my eyes and mouth with a lazy smile. 

“I like this. Lying with you.”

“I do, too.” More than he’ll ever know. The time we’re together; whether he’s kissing me or sucking my cock or just toying with my fingers; is some of the most pleasant I’ve had in years. When my overactive brain is silent and my only thoughts are of Loki and his exquisite body, what I’d like to do to him and have him do to me, when nothing outside this room and this minute matters, it’s the happiest I can remember being in my life. 

I roll onto my stomach and turn my face back toward Loki. He reaches over and drags his fingers over my back, up and down my spine and zig zagging over my shoulders. “You should get some more sleep.”

“I will if you close your eyes.” His gravelly, sleepy voice is soft and comforting, and when he trails his fingernails over my flank I let my eyelids fall closed. Soon he’ll fall back into sleep and I’ll watch his features soften, the smile cross his lips as he dreams, his breath turn deep and slow. His strokes on my back slow and become intermittent, his arm growing heavy as it lies limp over my waist. Loki moves closer and nuzzles my shoulder, falling asleep with his body snuggled against me and his lips just millimetres from my arm. 

It’s tucked up beneath me and I wish I could stay just like this without it turning numb from lack of circulation. I wish we could do this every morning, wake up to Loki in my bed and let him kiss me breathless every day. I wish I could just lay here, forget everything else and sleep.


	11. Dreams and Desires

###  **Loki**

For someone who can’t sleep next to me Bucky is doing a pretty good impression, lying on his stomach beside me with his features all soft. I could watch him for hours and there’s the tiniest bit of anxiety tugging at me, telling me I should watch him and not go back to sleep. His peaceful face and light breath belie the turmoil I know is cooking away beneath the surface, and in the quiet of the early morning I prop up on my elbow to inspect his body unhindered.

The discernable remnants of the tattoo on his shoulder blade are mostly the wings of the eagle stretching over his skin, distorted in places by scar lines. The remaining lines and colours are mashed into the stump of his arm, with pieces of the flag overlapping in all directions as though it’s been folded haphazardly. It must have continued almost to his elbow originally, I make a mental note to ask if he has a photo of it. I can’t see it from here but I know the other wing wraps around to his chest over the top of his shoulder, and I have to resist kissing or touching it if I don’t want to wake him.

I wonder how much his life will change with the new arm, and then I wonder if I’ll ever be able to tell him my real story, tell him how I sort of understand how it is to live your life with something missing. My hands automatically tighten into fists when I think about Odin and Thor, silently cursing the man who raised me. When he banished us both simultaneously from Asgard I assumed we would at least be together, but I would later find out he scrambled Thor’s memories in the process and took away both of our powers. I should be flattered, Odin knew that had I been able to find and convince Thor to help me we could have found a way to get back the throne we deserve, but I soon found that not only did he not recognise me: he can’t hear or see me. To my beloved brother I no longer exist, and to top it off I remember everything while he’s allowed to forget.

Swindling people out of their money soon became boring, something I hope Bucky never finds out about. He thinks I’m a good man, he makes me want to be a good man. He makes me want to do so much better than run a tiny bookshop, do things I could have done with my powers but are impossible without them. I imagine if he knew the half of my true self his eyes would fall out of his head and he’d run as far away as possible.

So I remain silent and admire him in the dawn light. 

Sometime later I realise I’ve fallen asleep and Bucky is murmuring something into his pillow, clawing at it with his fist. Instinctively I reach over and stroke firmly up and down his spine with the heel of my hand, hoping he might relax out of it rather than wake up and throttle me. 

“Sshhh,” I coo next to his ear. “You’re just dreaming.”

“Haah!” His body tenses and his eyes fly open, looking up at me with the wild alert of a caged animal or a soldier surrounded by enemy fire.

“Bucky, it’s me. Loki. You’re safe.”

“Argh!” He cries out in pain and clutches his shoulder, gritting his teeth so hard I can hear them grind together.

“Can I-”

“Just go,” he grinds out. I flinch back at the harshness of his words and decide it’s best to listen, scooting over and off the bed. 

“All right. Ok.”

“Loki, don’t go. Just give me a minute.” 

“I’ll be out on the balcony, take your time.”

On the way I figure we could both use a coffee so I switch the machine on and lean on the counter while I wait for the water to warm up. My hands start to tremor as the remaining adrenaline pumps through my body, my heart slowing its alarmed pounding in my ears as I force myself to breathe deeply. Bucky moves in behind me and presses his bare chest against my back, threading his arm around my waist and kissing my shoulder.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, his stubble rough on my skin. 

I lean back and reach up to stroke his hair. “Don’t be, it’s ok. If that happens again -- you falling asleep I mean -- would it be best if I left before you woke up?”

“Maybe, but… I’d rather get used to waking up with you than have you leave every time just in case. Sometimes waking up is like reliving it all.”

“What were you dreaming about?”

He bites his lip and shakes his head. “Just war.”

I know it’s not ‘just war’, it’s more personal and detailed than he’s ever likely to tell me, and I’m all right with that.

“Coffee?”

“Yeah, please. It’s in the cabinet above your head,” he says on his way outside.

“After this I really am going home.”

“After this I’m going to have a shower. There’s plenty of room.”

I turn to look at him because I honestly think I might have misheard or at least imagined the innuendo. His lips are curled in a one-sided smirk. “James Buchanan Barnes, if I didn’t know better I’d think you didn’t want me to leave.”

“Maybe I don’t.” 

“Shower it is, then.” He flashes a full smile as he disappears onto the balcony.

Once we’ve had something to eat he promises to meet me in the bathroom, pulling a container of meds from the kitchen cupboard. 

It’s even more obvious to me when I spot him through the steam: something in him has changed in the last few days. Subtle and yet plain as day, he’s more confident around me, like the secret boner he was carrying around has been relieved and he’s lighter for it. It’s in the way he strips down and steps under the water without hesitation, the way he threads his fingers under my hair and pulls my mouth to his, the way he presses his body against me without a shred of doubt that we want the same thing.

The longer we kiss the more I feel his desire and no sooner are our lips parting for air than his cock is standing proud against his stomach and beckoning my hand to close around it. He lets his head fall back and I kiss his neck while I stroke him and he grabs at my hip. 

“Loki,” he groans. “Fuck.”

I take down a bottle of shower gel and lather it between my hands, covering his torso in suds before moving down to his thighs and upward to his cock. Under the guise of washing him I rub soapy hands thoroughly over his balls and backward toward his arse and it doesn’t escape my notice that rather than flinch back he angles toward me eagerly. I turn him to rinse off under the streaming hot water while I repeat the action on his back, lathering between his cheeks while he again pushes back toward me. 

“Someone in here is eager for some penetration,” I growl into his ear from behind. “And it’s not just me.”

Bucky turns and puts his back under the stream, leaning his head back so the rivulets run over his face and hair, then pulls me under and catches my lips in a hard kiss while he strokes my shaft. He brings his own into his huge palm and rubs us both together, making me moan into his mouth at the feeling of his throbbing veined cock against mine, the intimacy of our erections thrusting as one. 

With both hands I reach around to his ass, breaking the kiss and locking on to his eyes while I separate his cheeks and run two fingers up and down his seam. Every touch on or around his hole makes his breath hitch and when I apply pressure to it his eyes widen until all I see is bright shining blue. I ease inside with my middle finger, barely the tip opening him up, and wait for him to relax before pressing again. Over and over, stretching his tight ring around me and summoning every ounce of patience and concentration to wait for the moment he releases to push further, until he’s swallowing and pulling me inside with grunted breath and moaning affirmation.

Bucky only stops stroking for a few seconds each time he accepts a little more of me, and feeling his muscles so tight around my finger while his thick pink dick thrusts against mine is just about tipping me over the edge. Up until now he’s kept his eyes open and locked on mine, but now that he’s surrendered and allowing me to slowly thrust in and out he looks down to my lips and covers them with his open mouth, groaning for my tongue and grazing his teeth on my lip. 

I pull back suddenly and rest my forehead on his, gasping for breath. “Bucky… I don’t wanna come yet…you first.” 

He smiles and looks down, releasing my cock to ooze precum onto his hip while stroking his own harder and faster. I delve deeper inside until his eyes fall closed and his head thumps back against the tiles, his mouth open as he fills his lungs with shallow breaths. Thrusting myself against his hip while watching him lose himself to orgasm is enough to tip me over the edge and my spurts of cum are quickly washed away by the water. At the same time I feel him pulsate and contract rhythmically around my finger and look down to see those delicious white ribbons shoot up to his abs and down over his hand as it pumps the last waves from his shaft and his hips buck back against my hand.

“Oh my god,” he whispers, body quivering as he looks me in the eye again and I kiss him slowly, withdrawing my finger and soothing him with long drags of my nails on his muscled back. We remain in our embrace until our skin wrinkles and the water begins to cool, sinking into a blissful afterglow back on his bed with my head on his chest and his hand warm on the centre of my back.

“I should go,” I say, half sitting up to look for my pants.

“You don’t have to.”

I look down at him and tuck his hair back behind his ear. “You’re not sick of me, yet?”

“No,” he chuckles.

“You could come with me.”. 

“I can, but I can’t spend the night.”

“Promise you’ll kick me out if you want me to go?”

He smiles and pulls me back down. “Just stay, Loki. Right here.”


	12. A lesson in floor manners

###  **Bucky**

Apprehension hums at the back of my thoughts as the afternoon wears on. I’m feeling the lack of sleep now -- although I could go another 24 hours if I had to -- but I don’t want Loki to go. 

“I wish I could just sleep with you here.”

Leaning back against the couch on the balcony Loki’s skin is cool on mine as he laces our fingers together and pulls my arm around his chest. He sits between my legs looking out over the city as it lights up, lounging back against my bare torso, his weight grounding me and quieting my mind. He doesn’t answer immediately, just pulls himself tighter into my embrace and lies his head back against my shoulder. 

“You know I trust you.”

“I know, I just… today was nothing. The meds put me completely out of it.”

“We’ll wait, then.” He shrugs. If I could reach his mouth I’d kiss the life out of him but I make do with the top of his head.

Two shared cigarettes later the sun has fallen and New York’s glaring night lights are coming to life below us. I pat his contoured stomach and he covers my hand with his as I lean down beside his ear.

“All right, I’m releasing you. Before dinner or after?”

“That depends whether you feel like Chinese.”

“Always.”

“After, then.”

An hour later I’m cross-legged on the floor while he laughs at my ineptitude with chopsticks. He’s outright refused to let me have any other cutlery, insisting I lack culture if I can’t eat fried rice with the infernal bamboo splinters. If this goes on much longer he’s going to have a chopstick protruding from his ear.

“I thought you’d be more dexterous with that hand when you’ve only got the one,” he sniggers, laughing again when I drop a bundle of rice.

“For fuck’s sake, Loki. I’m fucking starving here!”

He leans over and drops a morsel of chicken into my mouth, and I take one of the bastardised wooden sticks and stab a dumpling.

“That’s not… you can’t… Bucky, you’re not trying.” I grin smugly back at him, pushing the rice in his direction while I finish the mouthful and then open my mouth like a baby bird. Loki sighs and frowns but his lips have that tiny curl in the corner and his eyes dance with mischief. “I guess we can’t all be cultured.”

He continues feeding me mouthfuls of rice in between the bigger chunks of chicken and dumplings that I can manage by stabbing at them, and then he misses my mouth and my chest is wearing sticky fried rice.

“Hey!”

“Oops,” he says with a wicked grin. “Let me clean that up for you.” 

On all fours he stalks around the table like a jaguar around a lame deer, his emerald eyes burning into my blue, and pushes me back onto the floor. I draw a sharp breath as his lips begin at my navel, licking a circle around it and nibbling gently on the skin at the edge.

“I don’t think it spilled there,” I chuckle. 

“Oh?” His long arm reaches back to the table for more and plants it right inside the opening. “Yeah, I think it did.”

His teeth graze my skin as he sucks and licks it off, tickling my ribs on the way up toward my chest. Once there his warm velvet tongue picks up every grain with long wet strokes, catching a nipple between his lips and sucking it until I moan and drag my fingers over his neck to pull his mouth to mine. As soon as our tongues meet his narrow hips are pressing and grinding against me, my fingers clawing at his back and shoulder. 

Long fingers and soft lips caress my skin and heat my insides to boiling point. Loki tugs off my jeans and tosses them aside, rubbing his palm over my balls and fisting my erection while I fumble with the button on his waistband. I groan in frustration when he kisses me again and he pulls back to grin at me, a soft chuckle rumbling in his throat. 

“Let me,” he says, wriggling out of his own jeans. No sooner do I have him in my hand than he’s turned and is leaving a trail of love bites down my torso and swirling his tongue around the head of my cock. 

I moan as he takes me into his warm mouth, turning me on my side and hugging my thigh in his arm. I feel myself throb in his mouth, taking his cock and stroking it slowly with a loose hand, and I have to concentrate on not thrusting down his throat. In front of me his tip produces a glistening bead of precum and I shift forward to lick it off and suck him into my mouth. 

The vibration of Loki’s moans sends shocks through me, he uses his tongue on every inch of skin, sucking my balls and cock in alternate turns while his hand teases and strokes the other. His nectar starts to leak onto my tongue in greater amounts and I swallow it eagerly as he starts to move against me. Tugging gently at his sack I shudder with impending release, pushing further into his throat as I feel the wave overwhelm me. The constriction as he gulps milks my cum into his belly, I open wider and let his crown hit the back of my throat while gripping his balls and he empties into me with a salty surge, his head falling back onto my thigh as he catches his breath.

Later as I kiss him at the door my lips curl into a smile. “I am never learning to use chopsticks, your way is much more fun.”

“Maybe I’ll ditch them too, just eat off you instead.”

He grabs my collar and mashes his lips against mine and by the time he leaves they’re bruised and swollen, throbbing with blood. I lean back on the door, willing my brain to stay in this peaceful moment.

* * *

 

I spend Sunday immersed in work, keeping myself distracted as much as possible from the surgery tomorrow and recent events with Loki, and wake up to a text from him on Monday morning.

[Hope it all goes well today. See you Wednesday if you’re up to it xxx]

The resulting smile is plastered on my face until there’s a knock on the door and I have to answer it dripping wet in a towel. It’s not like I get travelling salesmen so I know it must be someone authorised wanting something important.

Both, as it turns out.

“Hey,” Nat says. “Thought I’d walk you down to medical. Although, I thought you’d be ready.” She gestures to my towel and dripping hair.

“Come in, I just have to get dressed. Is something wrong?”

“Not at all,” she says, leaning on the bedroom door. “How are you feeling? Nervous?”

“Only a little. It’s like going in for an upgrade.”

“I won’t tell the others yet but I’ll make sure Loki knows when you’re stable and in recovery.”

I turn around so fast my neck cracks. 

“Why would you do that?”

“I assume you told him, I thought he’d like to know.”

“Is it OK that I told him?”

“Not really, but I knew the way you were looking at one another the other night that you would. It’s fine. I know he came in Friday night and stayed almost 24 hours, too, so either you’re getting very well acquainted or that was one hell of a scrabble tournament.”

“Maybe it was Monopoly,” I quip, turning away to hide the heat in my cheeks.

“My money’s on Taboo.”

I laugh and cover my face. “All right, you win. I’m ready.”

On the way out I smooth my hair back into a ponytail while she presses the button on the elevator. 

“I’m happy for you, it’s good to see you smile and come out of your shell a bit.”

“Thanks. It’s so foreign to me and I was so scared of what might happen, but… when he’s around it just makes sense.”

“Aww,” she mocks as we walk through the doors to medical where Jamie is waiting for me. 

“Shut up, Nat.”

She throws her arms tight around my neck and plants a kiss on my cheek. “I’ll come see you when you’re done, yeah?”

“Thanks for walking me down.”

As she disappears Jamie leads me down toward the operating rooms and to a bed, leaving me with instructions to change into a gown and wait. What follows is an endless stream of doctors and tests and drugs before they knock me out. They don’t even bother telling me to count backward anymore, just ‘go to your happy place’ and it’s lights out. The last thing on my mind as I sink into oblivion is Loki’s soft face before he kisses me, the way his icy eyes dart from one of mine to the other and down to my lips before he leans in and sets me on fire. And then everything turns to cold ash.

* * *

 

_ Sweat rolls down into my eyes and I blink it back having long ago been numbed to the sting of such small inconveniences. The sun slowly sinks toward the sand at our three o’clock, the desert eerily quiet and still, devoid of even the slightest breeze to fan the moisture on our skin. Utterly subservient to the cause, neither of us feel the heat, the heightened risk of working within the afternoon shadow, the desperate thirst that abrades our throats, or the sand and salt that scratch without reprieve at our eyeballs.  _

_ We wait. Silent. Still.  _

_ There’s a rough scattering of gravel behind me as Roy startles, his radio bursting to life with a loud firing of static. The concentration is broken, a laugh shared. Not snipers, but boys dressed up in their best camouflage playing war games. _

_ “Fuck. Sorry.” _

_ I gulp down a bottle of water and resume my position and all falls still once again. There’s movement somewhere, but the sound is muffled and I can’t make its origin. _

_ “Roy, you hear that?” _

_ Silence. _

_ “Roy?” _

_ Moving my eye from the scope I risk a glance over my shoulder but see only endless sand. _

_ “Roy!” _

_ Turn to the other side and then I hear it again, the smallest movement in the gravel. My eye catches the glint of a knife as I arcs toward me, but I’m faster than he is. Gripping his wrist I cut off the movement with bruising force, pushing it back toward his face. _

_ There is no face, just a helmet atop what should be a head, orange sky surrounding the deep grey oval that should be a face.  _

_ “What the fuck?”  _

_ In my confusion my guard is down long enough for the knife to be coming at me again, and I block it this time with a blow to his forearm. A scream pierces the stillness, the knife clattering onto the sand even as I reach for it. _

_ People are talking, more people than should be here. We’ve been made and ambushed. Fumbling for my radio I try to understand what they’re saying. _

_ “That won’t be enough, he’ll need the max dose straight up.” _

_ “You hold him still. And get restraints.” _

_ “Wait, let me try.” _

_ That voice. I know that voice.  _

_ “Bucky, listen to me. You’re in the hospital. It’s Nat, remember? You’re safe, you’re just coming out of anaesthesia.” _

_ The voice makes sense, but her words don’t. _

_ “Where’s Roy?” _

_ “Sergeant Barnes, hold still and I’ll explain. We’re American, listen to my voice.” _

_ I stop struggling for a moment and cold, cold iced water goes straight into my vein. _

_ “You answer me right now. Where’s Roy?”  _

* * *

 

Blinding pain sears down my left side as though I’m being pierced with hot pokers at random intervals. Now in my eye, my ribs, my shoulder, my mouth, my ear… I try to flex my fingers to deflect some of the agony but it feels like I’m tearing my own flesh from the bone in slow, precise shreds. 

“Bucky, it’s Chris. Open your eyes, mate.”

“No,” I whimper. “I don’t want to see.”

“Bucky, you’re in the hospital. You’ve come out of surgery and you’re going to be OK. There’s pain relief going in now, you should be high as a kite in a few seconds. Just breathe.”

“What happened?” I slur.

“They put the titanium implant in for your new arm, and it went well. I’ll let Jamie explain in a little while but the operation was successful. I’m going to stay with you for a bit, you’re having a bit of trouble waking up.”

This time I gingerly try to move my arm and the pain isn’t so bad, I’m starting to get that high out-of-control feeling I dread and everything starts to swim. 

“No more drugs. I want to be awake.”

“All right. How’s your pain?”

“Bit better. Nat… was Nat here?”

“She was, yeah. A few hours ago. She said to tell you she spoke to Loki and she’ll come back later.”

My eyes won’t stay open. The harder I fight the more the room spins and my chest tightens further, my body like lead on the hard, uncomfortable bed. I try to scratch my face and realise my other wrist is cuffed against the railing.

“No…” I struggle against the restraint, all moisture leaving my mouth as my heart pounds in my chest and echoes in my head. 

“I’m sorry, mate,” I hear Chris’s soft voice beside my ear. “Get some more rest. I’ll be right here.”

The icy cold runs into my vein again, and I fight it with everything I’ve got but my addled mind is no match for the inky sea that overtakes my senses.

* * *

 

A delicate hand is draped over mine, the weight of a slumbering head resting on my forearm. My bleary, blurred eyes would know that red hair anywhere, I try to extract my hand to wake her… I’m cuffed to the bed and my other arm is a useless dead weight.

“Fuck,” I curse under my breath. Nat sits upright and strokes my hand.

“How are you?”

“I’m good. Please take that cuff off.”

“All right, but I’ll put it back on if I have to. You show the slightest inclination toward nurse violence and I’ll have you bound and gagged before you can say ‘Roy’.”

“What you and Clint do in bed is your own business, kinky bitch. Uncuff me.”

“That’s the Bucky I was waiting for.” Her fingers make quick work of the buckles until I’m free to scratch my face and get the hair off my cheek. “How’s your pain?”

“I’m not feeling anything, is that normal?”

“Jamie put a nerve block in because you were in agony and refusing meds. It will wear off in a few hours.” She presses the button behind my bed and kisses my forehead. “You had them a little worried.”

“What happened?”

“You don’t remember?”

“No. I… Roy. I was dreaming we were… shit, did I hurt you?”

“Not me, no.”

“Who?”

“There he is,” Jamie says from the doorway. “No pain?”

I shake my head and turn my gaze back to Nat, but she pushes Jamie forward instead.

“The surgery was successful but a little more complicated than we hoped. We had to take your arm back a little further, so the prosthetic will come over your shoulder joint. That’s why you’re in more pain than we’d like, but we’ll get it under control now. We can try some different meds now you’re more lucid. Overall we’re happy with the result, you should be able to try the new arm in a couple of weeks once the stump has healed up.”

“I’m sorry if I caused trouble. I don’t remember.”

“It’s all good. The anaesthesia, the pain, the drugs… glad you’re feeling better. You buzz as soon as you start to feel pain and I’ll get you something. No heroism, got it?”

“Thanks, Jamie.” As soon as he’s out of the room I can see Nat getting ready to escape. “Nat, what happened?”

“You were just a bit fuzzy on where you were and what was going on. I have to get going but Chris will be in to see you shortly and a psych nurse is going to sit with you overnight.”

“Natasha!”

“Don’t worry, everything’s fine. I’ll let Loki know you’re awake.”

 

When Chris finally arrives I can’t sit still any longer and he catches me almost out of bed.

“You’re not allowed up until tomorrow. Don’t make me cuff you.”

“I just want someone to be honest with me,” I grind out. “What the fuck happened?”

“You broke a nurse’s arm. She was trying to give you an injection, you thought she meant you harm.”

“Fuck!” I clench my fist and fall back against the pillows, causing a ripple of fire in my neck and shoulder.

“Bucky, breathe. You were still coming out of it and you were in pain. You were hallucinating. It’s not your fault.”

“Is she OK?”

“She’ll be in plaster for a while, but she works for Tony Stark. She’ll be fine. A psych nurse is going to stay with you overnight, and there’ll be security just outside. Not because you’re dangerous-”

“I am dangerous. Just cuff me back up and be done with it. Give me that cold stuff and knock me out until you’re willing to put me into the trial for that surgery.”

“The brain surgery? You’re not even in the realm of needing that.”

“No? I tried to kill a friend, and I broke a nurse’s arm. What happens when I wake up next to Loki and snap his neck or stab him to death in his sleep? Then will I be dangerous enough?”

“Can we just get through this surgery first… recover and we’ll see where we stand.”

“We spent the weekend together. I dozed off and then screamed at him to leave, probably frightened the shit out of him when I woke up yelling and trying to rip my pillow to pieces. You wanted me to give it a try, how do I do that if I can’t trust myself to fall asleep with him? I can’t take the meds because I’d kill him in my sleep without even opening my eyes, and I can’t take the other ones because if I wake up I have a panic attack when I can’t move.”

“Ok, just breathe for a minute. You’ve just come out of surgery. Tomorrow morning we’ll have a full session and talk about all of this stuff. Right now you need to rest. Can I get you anything?”

“Something to read, if I can’t sleep. And my phone.”

“Done. Let me see what I can find.”


	13. Here to stay

###  **Loki**

As soon as I opened the shop this morning I decided it was time to do some detailed inventory to keep from wearing a path in the floor while I wait to hear about Bucky. The deep musty odour of books and polished wood fills my nostrils as I catalogue each one meticulously -- perhaps a little too meticulously, given I’ve twice found myself a few pages in to something I haven’t read in a while -- but it doesn’t keep my mind occupied for long. If anything I’ve only become increasingly frustrated as time passes and I’m barely a quarter of the way around the shelves before I concede that this was a fucking terrible idea and I have far too much stock on my hands.

On the flip side, as a personal library it’s perfect.

The phone barely completes its first ring before I answer. “Nat? What took so long? Is he all right?”

“He’s fine, calm down. The surgery was successful and he’s resting.”

“May I speak with him?”

“He’s resting, and I’m not with him right now. But he’s fine. Probably tomorrow I can arrange it. Do you want to come out for a drink tonight?”

“I hoped I’d be able to see Bucky tonight.”

“No, Loki. He won’t be having visitors yet.”

“There’s something you’re not telling me. He said you’d be able to arrange it.”

“I know, and it turns out I can’t. I’m sorry, I wish I could just sneak you in but that’s not how it works. Wednesday at the earliest. All I’m allowed to tell you is that he’s fine, I’ve spoken to him, and he has the implant fitted. Please don’t push this, there’s only so many favours I can do for you guys.”

I clench and unclench my fists in silence for a few moments. “All right. You’re right. I could definitely do with a drink if I can’t talk to him, yeah. Could you let him know… I don’t know. I’m thinking of him? Tell him I said something thoughtful and tender… but manly.”

She laughs. “That I can do. Come to Clint’s tonight and we’ll go from there. See you at eight.”

Something isn’t right, I could hear it in her voice. Ordinarily rules don’t mean much to me, but I respect Natasha too much to argue and if she says she can’t then I know she won’t budge. 

I hear soft padded feet beside me and Sigyn’s sleek black body leaps onto the shelf, attempting to step onto the book in my hand and giving a disgruntled ‘meow’ when I shift it away. 

“Come on then, darling,” I pat my shoulder and she leaps effortlessly onto me, curling around my neck and purring in my ear. “You missed me, huh?”

“Prrrrow.”

Sigyn first came into my life the day I opened the shop. With the door propped open I was sipping a cup of tea and re-organising the Classics shelf when she sauntered through the door and rather vocally claimed a spot in the middle of the floor where the sun was creating a kitten-sized pool of warmth. Even fully-grown she’s tiny, but she was tinier then at only a few months old, and about a month later her similarly small and frail elderly owner wandered in from the apartment upstairs to chastise Sigyn for bothering me. With her silver hair and prim British accent I was immediately enamoured with Adaline -- who insisted I call her Ada -- and we often shared a pot of tea when she came looking for her little black companion in the afternoons. Only a few months later she passed away and her daughter -- having heard all about Sigyn spending her days in the shop -- asked if I’d take on the little cat. As though I could have resisted those big green eyes or her insistent meowing until I paid her attention; she climbed up to my shoulders and kneaded my neck until I accepted. From that day on she’s been my little shadow, even accompanying me to the shop most days.

The second I sit in the chair she moves down to curl up in my lap with a wide yawn.

“I guess that’s the inventory done for the day, huh?”  

She purrs and nuzzles my hand until I scratch between her small black ears.

* * *

Clint’s apartment is a typical bachelor pad; complete with bar, mood lighting and jazz. At least his musical taste isn’t so bad.

“How you doing?” Nat asks, reaching up to kiss my cheek.

“Impatient,” I say with a smile. 

“You might get a message tomorrow.” She winks.

“Where’s lover boy?” Zara asks, throwing her arms around my neck. 

“He’s having a night in.” 

“You’re not fighting already, are you?”

“No, he just didn’t feel like going out tonight. How are you, my little one?”

“I’m good. Blistered fingers from practising so hard, I haven’t had that in years.”

“I… you… there’s nothing I can say to that without sounding dirty. New gig coming up?”

“Yeah, I’ll let you know the dates. You and Bucky could have a sophisticated evening at the orchestra.”

“I’m not sure classical music is really Bucky’s thing, but we’ll see.”

“You sure everything’s good? You look a bit tense every time I bring him up.”

“Yeah, I just… we still have some stuff to overcome I guess. After what happened with you he can’t sleep with anyone else in the room, he’s scared it will happen again.”

“Can you blame him? He just got you, he’s probably not keen on losing you so easily. You guys had sex yet?”

“Zara, that’s no sort of question for a gentleman. Especially from a lady,” I say with lashings of sarcastic disgust.

“I need to know what it’s like. Is it weird with another guy? Did it hurt? Did you switch or does he like to top? And most importantly, can I watch some time?”

“Maybe I’m the top.”

“You haven’t done it yet,” she sniggers.

“Not… no. We haven’t. Figured we should ease into that.”

“Given how much you like having your ass played with, he’s not going to be the bottom,” she says with a knowing smirk. “And I want to hear all about it.”

“We’ll see. I thought ‘fuck me in the ass, Bucky,’ might make him run for the hills.”

“Why? If it were me instead of you he’d be in there before you could say ‘pass the lube’. You underestimate him.”

“Probably. There’s no rush, though.”

I want him to trust me. I’ve seen what he can do, what he did to Zara, and I’m still here. If that’s not enough to convince him I can handle anything I don’t know what is. 

Nat comes bounding toward us with my phone and a smile on her face. “You’re gonna want to take this.”

“Hey, how are you?” I ask after seeing Bucky’s number on the screen.

“I have a little less flesh and a little more metal. I’m doin’ ok.” His voice is hoarse and thick, he sounds tired, pained, and defeated. 

“Sounds like a lot of pain, too.”

“It comes and goes. They had to take some length off my arm and work on the nerves and shove a titanium rod through the bone so… yeah. It hurts, but I’m hooked up to the good stuff.”

“So everything went ok? Have you had some sleep?”

“A bit. I’m about to go down for the night, just wanted to talk to you first.”

“I’m really glad you did. Sleep well.”

“I will. I’ll call you tomorrow, I don’t know when I’ll be out of here.”

“Just rest and I’ll see you when you’re ready.”

* * *

 

The next few days drag even by my standards. I’m doing everything I can to occupy my mind while I wait to hear when I can see Bucky and I’m getting the impression he’s keeping me at a distance again. Now I’ve had a taste I’m willing to do just about anything he needs, but I need to know what’s going on in his head; in the three times we’ve spoken and numerous text messages he’s been deliberately vague about why he hasn’t already gone back to his apartment. 

Sigyn has obviously sensed my unease because she’s been more clingy and affectionate than usual -- which means she seldom leaves my presence. I’m woken late on Saturday morning when I attempt to roll over and she falls from her precarious ‘bed’ atop my stomach, voicing her crankiness while she makes herself comfortable again in the crook of my arm. Sometimes I’m not entirely sure if I’m a companion to her or just a food-dispensing, warm-blooded piece of furniture. 

She purrs loudly as I scratch at her head, flattening her ears out and closing her green eyes. I pull my phone from the bedside table and sigh at the blank screen, wondering what’s happening over there at Stark tower. I’ve let him know I’m thinking of him and I hope he’s recovering well, I don’t want to hassle him or make him feel like he has to talk to me if he’s not up to it. Actually I do want to hassle him, I want to convince him to talk to me. There’s more going on here than he’s telling me, and I appreciate that it’s not really my business, but… 

_ I want to make it my business. _

He seems to think it’s not at all frightening for me to be falling so hard for him, and that couldn’t be further from the truth. The last time I came close to feeling like this was a juvenile infatuation with Amora, and I intended to prevent any possible future recurrence after that unmitigated ruination. Yet here I am, rubbing absent-mindedly at a dull ache in my chest while I dream up various ways of luring him back to me. Honest ways, of course, though trickery and scheming seem like child’s play compared to this. The things I could do if I still had powers… if I ever get them back I’ll not take them for granted for a second.

When Zara calls and says she’s in the neighbourhood I invite her to let herself in and run a hot shower, finding her relaxing on the couch with Sigyn when I emerge.

“Hey, sweetheart. How’s things?”

“Good, thought I’d check in on you. You were weird the other night.”

“Sorry, I was distracted.”

“Missing Bucky,” she says with a nod. “Worrying about him. Nat told me he had surgery, she wasn’t allowed to tell me any more other than he’s fine. Is he really?”

“Physically? Yeah. Mentally, I’m not so sure. I wish he’d let me see his demons.”

“Would you?”

“What?” For a second I’m shellshocked, thinking she knows more than she does. All I can do is stare while she frowns at me.

“If you were Bucky, would you be inclined to open up completely to someone? Think about what he’s been through, Loki. His life has been about keeping his cards close to his chest, not getting close to people because they’ll likely be dead tomorrow. Imagine for a minute what he must have witnessed over there, and then to come back not only an amputee but with PTSD… after what happened he takes paralytics every night, it’s the only way he can sleep. Without them he’s so anxious he’ll wake up and hurt someone again he makes himself sick.”

I feel like Mjolnir’s just punched a gaping hole right through my chest. 

“He takes… that’s really heavy stuff…”

“Yeah, it is. It’s a crutch, a bandaid. It paralyses him so he can’t move until it wears off. Combine it with sleeping tablets that make him wake up confused and it’s a recipe for a breakdown if you ask me. He spent all that time in the psych ward after what he did to me because he’s petrified he’ll hurt someone else. The cameras and panic buttons were at his request, not Stark’s.”

“That’s why he won’t sleep with me,” I whisper.

“The last time someone spent the night in his bed she was thrown around like a ragdoll and he had no idea who she was. I really worry about him, Loki. More than I let on.” I look up to see her lip quivering as Sigyn sits up and nuzzles her face. “My uncle was in Vietnam. When he came home they said it was like he’d had a lobotomy and they’d left behind all the negative stuff. I never knew him as anything but an angry drunk, and then he hung himself in the garage. My aunt said it was a sick kind of relief after what he went through.”

I move closer and pull her into my arms, stroking her hair while she sniffs into my chest. 

“I’m so sorry, little one. I had no idea.”

“I didn’t say anything because… I don’t want that to happen to Bucky, but I don’t know how to stop it. I don’t think anyone does. I’ve never told him about it because it’s not exactly a happy ending.”

“What do I do?” I pinch the bridge of my nose and flip my phone over and over in my hand. “I’m not a therapist, Zara. If anything I’m likely to make it worse.”

“If you want this, want him… you have to accept him the way he is. Damaged or not.”

“I do, he just can’t see it.”

“You know I’ve been watching him for a while, it’s one of my favourite pastimes,” she giggles and wipes her face. “When you’re around he’s different. Lighter, like you take some of the weight from his shoulders. That’s a lot of pressure on you, though.”

“I don’t feel it, I let my guard down with him as much as I do with you. Maybe even more. And it’s only when we’re apart I feel him pull away and try to hide.”

“You can’t make it worse, Loki. You will have to be patient, though.”

How did I go from ‘I’m not waiting around’ to ‘in over my head’ so quickly? From lone wolf who doesn’t get tied down or involved to wanting to spend every second with another man?


	14. Incremental Upgrade

“How does it feel?” Jamie asks, watching me open and close my hand.

“Fucking amazing. It’s just perfect.”

“It will be a while before you can wear it all of the time, you’ll need to build up slowly and work with us and the physio. It looks great, though.”

Having a left arm again might be the strangest sensation I’ve ever experienced. There’s a definite delay between my brain and its movements, but it’s shortened dramatically just in the last ten minutes as my muscles and nerves become accustomed to working again. 

“No pain?”

I shake my head. “No, none.”

“Excellent. Keep it for the next hour or so and then come back.”

I don’t remember having this problem before, but I don’t know what to do with my hands while I’m walking. Holding them in front just feels unnatural but I feel like if I let it swing I’ll hit someone. 

When I reach Chris’s office I decide to test out my new hardware and open the door with my left hand, and after many failed attempts I finally manage it. He applauds when he sees me.

“I was wondering what the hell you were doing,” he laughs. “Wow.”

“Yeah.”

“So how was last night?”

After the incident with the nurse -- her name is Chloe, and she’s been far more understanding than I deserve -- my neurologist agreed to a sleep study and to look at the possibility of surgical intervention. I’ve been poked, prodded, and monitored for five nights now and for the last two they’ve given me a different drug which does nothing to help the nightmares but it should stop me from acting them out. I’d still prefer being rid of them altogether, and I hate even having the potential to hurt someone. Two nights isn’t long enough to be sure.

“I’d rather talk about my new arm.”

“That bad, huh?”

“You tell me, there were electrodes all over me. I thought you must be able to watch my nightmares on a television screen with that many wires.”

He remains silent, waiting for me to answer his question.

“Same old same old. ‘It’s my fault, I should have taken the shot.’ Oh, and last night my loving father beat me to a pulp. That one was new.”

“I don’t know if we’ll ever make those go away but you didn’t move from the bed. I know you liked the safety of the meds, but they were a temporary solution; you knew you’d have to come off eventually.”

“When I kill someone in my sleep will I get them back?”   
“Bucky-”

“How am I supposed to explain this to people? Don’t let me fall asleep, your life might be in danger?” He’s dead right, I did like the safety of the meds. I liked going to sleep knowing I couldn’t hurt anyone.

“You have a sleep disorder, and we’ll find a way to treat it. Every precaution has been taken to make sure you can’t hurt anyone, you have to understand that if you do it’s not your fault. Have you spoken to Loki? Is it his safety you’re worried about?”

“Briefly, enough for him to know I’m ok. I don’t think starting something with him was a good idea.”

“Why?”

“There’s no way it can end well, is there? One day he’ll find out what I did, who I really am. Or worse, I’ll hurt him. He’ll leave and get on with his life and I’ll be a mess because he’s…”

“He’s what?”

“The only thing that’s ever felt right,” I say shakily.

“He knows you were at war, you did what you trained for.”

“What if I’m just latching on to him because he makes me feel good?”

“I think that’s the point. Would you be fighting so hard if it was Zara or Nat?”

“Nat, yes. That would be weird. Zara I’d never trust myself with, I’d be afraid of snapping her in half.”

He shakes his head and rolls his eyes. “Ignoring all of that, you know what I mean. If you were having these feelings for a woman.”

“Probably not. There’s this worry in the back of my mind that someone will beat the shit out of me. Or worse, Loki.”

“And what if they did? Is that reason enough to give it up?”

“For him, yes.”

“In the dream about your father, did you fight back?”

“I tried.” I clench my hands into fists, the metal fingers dragging hard over my thigh.

“Sometimes it’s just your brain working through it while you sleep. I know it sucks and it feels real, but you’re playing out the worst case scenario so you can make an informed decision.”

“My informed decision is that I’ll take a beating for him any day of the week, but I won’t put him in harm’s way.”

He smiles and leans back in his chair.

“That has nothing to do with your brain, Bucky.”

“I need a cigarette.” I scrub a hand over my face.

“You can go home tonight. Your door will be alarmed at midnight unless you report in earlier.”

“Do I have a choice?”

“Nope. I’m kicking you out. You can call if you need me.”

* * *

_ [Home sweet home. Back in my own bed tonight.] _

_ [You want some company?] _

_ [I’m still kind of sore, give me another couple of days?] _

_ [Sure. Can I call you later?] _

_ [Yeah] _

The knock on the door makes my shoulders tense wondering if Loki’s just been texting me from outside.

“Bucky, it’s Nat.”

Just because I can I pull the door open with my left hand, and naturally it embarrasses me by taking a few seconds to let go. I had to leave it off the rest of the afternoon but Jamie let me bring it home on the condition I not wear it more than an hour at a time with at least an hour break in between.

“This is fucking awesome,” she says, running her fingers gently over the cool grey metal. “It’s so smooth, not what I imagined when Jamie showed me the design.”

Each segment of delicate-looking titanium is meticulously layered like the exoskeleton of a millipede and moves effortlessly as I flex and bend the joints. Control is something I’ll have to learn, and Jamie says re-training my nervous system and muscles will be the hardest part, but he’s confident it will be as useful as my right in a few months. For now just gripping things is difficult, I wouldn’t dare attempt anything fragile for fear of either dropping or crushing it -- I’ve already put a miserable end to three tennis balls. 

“If five-year-old me could see this he’d think it was the coolest thing ever.”

“How are you, really?”

“I’m nervous, don’t think I’ll get much sleep tonight if I get any.”

“We’ve got eyes on you the second you open that door.”

“Yeah, I know. The world is protected from me. Wish I could say the same about my subconscious.”

“Give it time. Have you spoken to Loki?”

“We’ve texted.”

“You haven’t seen him?”

“No, why? Did he say something?”

“He was worried about you, that’s all. He misses you.”

“How can I have him here and knowingly put him in danger?”

“Loki can take care of himself, I promise you.”

“How’s Clint?”

“We’re good. He’s about to go off with Steve on some case he won’t talk about.”

“Top secret, huh?”

“I think he just likes screwing with me,” she laughs. 

I take two beers from the fridge and we sit outside. 

“The report I got says you’re not a threat. The monitoring must have gone well.”

“Yeah, I got a little sticker chart for staying in my bed and everything,” I deadpan. She giggles and I can’t help but join in. 

“Now if you’d just stop wetting the bed you’d be a big boy.”

“Something like that, yeah. I’d be able to have sleepovers and everything.”

By the time our laughter dies down my cheeks and sides ache; it feels so good to laugh about stupid shit.

“I’m scared, Nat. Eighty five men and four women I shot and killed without the slightest twitch in my little toe. I was the best because I was so calm, nothing fazed me. And now I shake like a frightened kitten at the thought of…”

I shake my head and knock back my beer, setting the empty bottle down to light a cigarette. All the time her eyes are on me, willing me to look at her, demanding I finish.

“Thought of what?”

“I think I could love him.”

She smiles as heat rushes to my cheeks. 

“I think it might be mutual.”

* * *

Three restless nights later I’m back in Chris’s office and growing increasingly jittery from too much coffee. It’s Friday, I’m staring down a very long, boring weekend if I don’t get some sleep, and Loki is growing more and more impatient -- it’s been almost three weeks.

“Remember when we first started talking about Loki and you agreed not to fight your feelings, you were going to let it run its course, and your nightmares and episodes improved?”

“Yeah.”

“We need to revisit that agreement.”

“You think I should end it?”

“No, you’re fighting it more than ever. I don’t care whether you invite him over, go on a romantic date, screw his brains out, or do absolutely nothing about it. This isn’t about Loki, it’s about you refusing to feel your own emotions.”

“So I don’t have to tell him?”

“No. If you want to end it, end it. I want you to do what you want, lay it out and give in to it.”

“Well fuck, Chris. You make it sound so easy.”

“Like jumping out of an aircraft, and you’ve done that a few times.”

“That’s true, but I had a parachute. I reckon this time I might just splat into a gelatinous flesh puddle on the dirt.”

“Maybe,” he says with a chuckle.

“Aren’t you supposed to reassure me and make me feel better?”

“No, I’m supposed to make you *get* better. You want to feel good, call your boyfriend.”

I stand to leave with a long yawn.

“How did I end up with the smart-ass therapist?” I mumble on my way out.

* * *

After checking my watch I quicken my pace, it won’t be much of a surprise if he’s already locked up. With a sigh of relief I see the old brass sign still reads ‘open’ and pull the door gently toward me in an attempt not to clang the life out of the little bell like I did last time. It tinkles ever so quietly, and I latch the door and flip the sign over behind me. 

I don’t even have to look to know he’s here, I can smell his sweet, spicy cologne mixing with the wood polish and musty pages, hear his breath catch when he looks up and sees me. 

“Bucky…” he breathes as I turn toward him. 

“Hi,” I say tentatively. “I’m sorry, Loki. I-”

“You don’t need to explain.” He moves toward me, half closing the distance in a few steps. “Unless you’re here to let me down gently.”

“I’m here because I want you.” 

In two long strides I’m so close I can feel the warmth through his deep green buttoned shirt, taste his breath on my face. I thread my right hand into his hair, holding him against me with my left arm around his waist and resting my forehead on his. Sea green eyes look straight through my blue, soothing and reassuring my racing mind. He takes my face in both hands and his long fingers caress my skin as his lips gently meet mine. 

I drink him in; the taste of tea on his tongue, the same scent that still lingers on my pillow, the feel of his firm body in my arms as I pull him closer, the slow release of his breath on my cheek. Like a rope coiled tight for too long he unravels me until I melt into his arms, his kiss, his touch. 

When he pulls back he takes my metal hand in both of his, turning it over to examine the joints. He lays his fingers on my palm and with everything I’ve got I focus on holding him without crushing his hand, slowly curling my fingers around his. 

“How does it feel?” he asks.

“Weird. Really weird.” I release his hand and chuckle. “I didn’t want to crush your fingers.”

“I trust you.”

“I’m not sure that’s a wise decision.”

“I am.” He reaches behind the counter for a laptop bag and switches off the lights. “You want to get out of here?”

“Yes please.”


	15. Tell me a story

###  Loki

_ I’m here because I want you. _

I told Bucky once that I wasn’t here to heal him or guide him through some sexual awakening; I was here because I was attracted to him. Gender has never held much importance for me, though he’ll never really know why. I used to be able to present myself any which way I desired, so the physical appendages aren’t what I’m drawn to; its usually pure sexual pleasure and animal attraction. 

Bucky is different. It’s not just carnal fascination where I can walk away when it suits me, being apart from him hurts me, and I’m falling in love with him. I’m sure he’s not ready for that, but there it is.

On the way out of the shop he spots something in a corner cabinet and stops dead. “Wow.”

“See something you like?”

“That Oscar Wilde collection, when is it from?”

“1908.”

“It’s beautiful. I’ve always wanted to read  _ Dorian Grey _ but never… my concentration isn’t good enough anymore. The amount of time it takes me to finish a book,” he shakes his head and chuckles, “you’d be appalled.”

I pull a set of keys from my satchel and unlock the cabinet, pulling the first volume out carefully before locking it again and handing it to Bucky.

“Loki, I couldn’t… honestly I’ll never finish it.” Even as he declines he’s turning it over delicately, his long fingers leafing tentatively through the silky handcrafted pages. 

“Take as long as you need, if I get an offer on the set I’ll let you know. Honestly they won’t fetch what I want for them anytime soon.”

His deep-throated chuckle is like a ray of warmth, I’ve missed it terribly. “I’m not sure that’s the best business model you’ve got there.”

“Heh, yeah,” I say with a smile. “Maybe not.”

“Thank you.”

“I assume you didn’t come all the way over here to go straight back to your place?” I say as I lock the door, pulling my coat tighter around me against the wind.

“No. I need to go back later tonight, but I’ve got a little time.”

We fall easily into step on the short walk to my apartment, I can feel anticipation and anxiety buzzing off him like electrical current. Obsidian hair falls ragged around his red-ringed eyes, cinereal shadows beneath the bright blue make me wonder how little sleep he’s had recently. 

As soon as we’re inside I take him by both hands -- which feels utterly foreign -- and pull him into a slow, deep kiss. His arms wrap around my waist, his fingertips skirting beneath the hem of my shirt to my skin as our tongues glide back and forth, tasting and swirling as our bodies warm and our cheeks flush.

“I missed you,” I say breathily when we part, our foreheads pressed together and my heart pumping loud in my ears.

“Me too.”

He tugs at the buckle on my jeans and with every ounce of willpower I’ve got I pull back.

“Slow down. Plenty of time for that, I had something else in mind.”

“Oh?” He smirks.

I lead him by the hand to the love seat near the huge corner window in the living room. Usually it’s just for me and Sigyn; it’s round and long enough for me to stretch out on with my feet on the matching ottoman, covered in overstuffed square cushions just made for sinking into on a cold day with the sun streaming through the window. With the book in my hand I situate myself so I’m leaning against the low upholstered back with a pillow holding me up and pat next to me for Bucky to join me.

He eyes me uncertainly, like I might be a snake trying to trick him into being suffocated. 

“What are you up to?”

“I’m going to read it to you. Some of it, at least. Please?”

He shakes his head and smiles at the floor as he toes off his sneakers and moves toward me, lying back with his head just beneath my shoulder. 

“Comfy?”

“Yeah. I need one of these at home.”

“You’re the first to share it with me as intended, usually I share it with Sigyn.”

“I feel honoured.”

I open the book and watch his eyes flick lazily around the room as I begin, settling on the ceiling as he listens intently to my voice. 

_ “ _ _ The studio was filled with the rich odour of roses, and when the light summer wind stirred amidst the trees of the garden, there came through the open door the heavy scent of the lilac, or the more delicate perfume of the pink-flowering thorn.” _

Before the end of the first page his eyes droop shut, a smile curling his kissably plump lips as I continue reading and stroking his neck with the hand draped around his shoulders. While turning the final page in the first chapter I look down and see his chest rising and falling evenly, his lips parted ever so slightly and his hand relaxed on his stomach.

He sleeps.

I’m presented with the ultimate test of my trust and absence of fear. He’s half on top of me and although I could move him with enough effort, I’d sooner stay here and hold him. If I’m not afraid of him, I don’t believe he’ll hurt me, I really and truly trust him, then I’ll stay right here until he wakes up. I shuffle down a little and get comfortable and he rolls to lie his head on my bicep with his warm breath on my chest and neck. Occasionally I doze off, open my eyes and check on him or admire his face a minute or two before letting them fall closed again.

The next time I rouse I can feel his eyes on me and I’m surprised to find night has fallen outside, the city lights now illuminate the room. 

“Hey,” he says, stretching his arm and legs downward like Sigyn does after a nap in the sun. “Sorry I fell asleep.”

“Don’t be. Was it good?”

“Yeah, actually.” He lies silent for a few minutes. “I broke a nurse’s arm,” he whispers finally. “When I was coming out of the anaesthetic. That’s why they kept me and why I didn’t call you.”

“You don’t have to hide that from me. I’m sure it was an accident.”

“Apparently I have some sleep disorder where I physically act out my dreams and when I wake up I come out of REM sleep too fast so I’m disoriented. I had a heap of tests and sleep studies done and they kept me in the neuro ward where I couldn’t hurt anyone.”

“And?”

“After I hurt Zara I was so scared it would happen again, I refused to leave psych until they put me on drugs that paralysed me overnight. They worked, but I’d wake up and not be able to move so I took sleeping pills to knock me out. While I was in this time they wouldn’t give me any more, I was becoming dependent on them.” 

A deep sigh slumps his shoulders as he sits up and rubs the stubble on his jaw. 

“I’m on less potent stuff now, so my nightmares shouldn’t cause injury, but my door is still monitored just in case.” He turns to look at me, a stab of pain in his eyes. “I could hurt you, Loki.”

“I trust you.”

“You shouldn’t.”

“I accept the risk, then. You’ll not be rid of me so easily.” Truthfully I’ve fought worse, but I had a little help from my powers and strength, then. And Thor, if all else failed. 

I sit upright beside him and pull his face to mine so our lips are just a hair’s breadth apart. “Do your worst, cybernetic boy.”

He laughs even as his mouth is engulfing mine, kissing me hungrily as he threads his fingers into my hair. 

“You want some dinner?” I ask, stroking his cheek.

“Yeah. What do you feel like?”

“Well, you. But first, I’m cooking. Stay right there.”

As soon as I’m off the chair Sigyn appears from nowhere and leaps up to nuzzle Bucky’s face.

“You opportunistic little witch, jumping into my warm spot.”

“Prrrow.”

Bucky laughs and scratches behind her ears while I raid the kitchen for something quick and tasty.

 

With our hunger sated by smoked chicken and pasta with fresh pesto I find Bucky on the terrace with a cigarette held precariously between his metal fingers. Just as I cross the threshold he begins raising it to his mouth and promptly drops it, barely catching the burning end with his palm.

“Fuck!”

I hold back a chuckle. “You ok?”

“Yeah. I need a bit more practice.” He holds it in his mouth and shakes his hand, I take it in mine and plant a wet kiss on the centre of his palm before blowing on it gently.

“Better?”

“Thanks.” He holds the cigarette out for me and I take a long draw on it, the smoke making raspy burns down my throat.

“Do you want me to come back to your place or just walk you home?”

“I’d like you to stay a while if you’re not busy.”

“I’m not busy until Monday except for brunch on Sunday.”

“Come home with me, then.”

How I love to hear those words.

 

Without hesitation or bothering with the lights he takes my hand and leads me to his bedroom, tossing off his coat and shirt and discarding his shoes and socks before lying down in the middle. 

“C’mere,” he beckons. “I want that beautiful body in my bed.”

“I love it when you tell me what you want. So hot.”

I lay my bare chest over his and grind my thigh against the bulge in his jeans, kissing him until we’re both out of breath and grazing his tongue with my teeth. He flips us over and trails kisses down my throat to my chest, sucking and biting at each hardened nipple in turn as he shifts down and unfastens my pants. I bite my lip and lift my hips so he can slip them off, revealing a throbbing erection that he takes eagerly between his lips to suck gently at the head. 

After a few strokes he carries on with his hand and drags teeth and tongue over my balls until I moan loudly and fist a hand in the sheet. Nuzzling into my sack he licks further back with a pointed tongue, massaging the delightfully sensitive skin until precum dribbles onto my stomach. My breath turns to whimpers, he pushes my legs apart and circles my hole with a moistened finger and presses gently against the muscle, and when I look down he’s watching my cock twitch with a wicked grin. Once more he takes me in his hot mouth, sucking back and forth and inching down until his lips brush my balls and I’m coating his throat with clear nectar.

As soon as he releases my aching length and stalks back up my body I make my move, tossing him to his back and devouring his mouth. While my tongue explores his my hand works on his belt and jeans and he wriggles them down, kicking them off the end of the bed and rubbing himself against me. My hips rut against him and I take our shafts together in my hand, pumping back and forth and relishing his moans, spreading around the fluids that ooze from both of us.

I prop myself on one elbow beside his hips, pressing wet kisses over his rippled torso and lapping up the spilled drops while stroking his balls. With a long groan I take his length in my mouth and feel the tickle at the back of my throat when he twitches, laving my flat tongue up and down the underside. The feel of his cock in my mouth, the way the veins throb and pulse against my tongue, the fleshy ridge as it passes my lips, the smooth, slitted tip hitting my throat; makes me ache to feel it in other places. As his moans grow and fill the room, the scent of his arousal thick in the air, I lean back to catch my breath and make patterns on his chest and stomach with a short fingernail.

“Bucky?” To my surprise my voice cracks and gives away the nervous energy tugging at me. I can’t wait for him to respond, I just spit it out while he’s propping his head on his arm to look at me with those gorgeous blue eyes. “I want you to fuck me.”

He smiles and reaches for me, pulling me up to kiss me gently. “I can’t wait to be buried inside you,” he whispers against my cheek. 

I shudder and fall back against the pillow and when I open my eyes he’s sitting between my legs, draping my thighs over his knees and pushing them apart. Cool liquid is drizzled over my balls and spreads toward my ass while he kisses and nips at my inner thigh, his fingers gliding over my skin until he finds my tight ring with two fingertips. His breath stutters as he works the lube around and starts to press inside, the cool metal of his other arm wrapped around the thick of my leg.

The further he breaches the more I crave, the faster I rock my hips against him so he rubs harder on my prostate, the louder I moan. Bucky shifts on the bed, fidgeting like he can’t get comfortable before withdrawing his fingers.

As he rises to his knees he keeps his eyes locked on mine and leans down to kiss me slowly while coating his shaft heavily in lube. Wordlessly he sits back and pushes my knees back and apart, exposing me to his gaze and the cool air. Anticipation makes my heart race like a wild stallion thundering through my ears, my breath hitching as he rubs his head back and forth and groans appreciatively.

His fingers stretch me open once more and withdraw, replaced with his hard cock. My eyes roll back and fall closed, his tip pressing relentlessly against me as I relax and admit him. Back and forth, he’s patient and slow, controlled movements sliding his length inside and pushing me beyond the stretch of his girth into the pure pleasure of being filled by him.

“Open your eyes,” he says softly. He’s watching our bodies join with a lopsided smile tugging one side of his mouth, his lips parted as he pants through them; no doubt to keep from fucking me hard and fast. “You have no idea how beautiful this is, your tight ass taking my dick and opening up for more.”

With that he thrusts forward, only stopping when his pelvis is flush with mine and his balls are compressed between us.

“Oh gods… Bucky…”

“Tell me how it feels.” He pulls back and fills me again. 

“So full, like you’re tearing me apart and touching every inch of me at once. So intense.”

“I’m not hurting you?”

“No,” I breathe, running my hands over his torso. “Not at all.”

Leaning over me he crashes his mouth into mine, rough and hard, and then sits back to begin thrusting in a steady rhythm. He takes my cock in his hand, spreading some of the lube up and over it to stroke me in time with his thrusting hips. 

“F- fuck,” he stammers. “You feel… amazing.”

With him thrusting over my prostate and filling me to bursting, in time with stroking my desperate shaft,I’m overwhelmed with sensation. The slap of his balls on my skin, the vulgar wet squelch as he enters me each time, the scent of lube and sex and the lingering taste of his cock on my tongue, watching his flushed face bead with sweat as he works toward filling me with cum…

I put a hand down to slow his strokes in an attempt to delay my orgasm, but he shakes his head and chokes out a breathy laugh.

“I want you to come, with my dick buried in your ass. I want to feel you spasm around me, grip me and pull me in deeper while you paint your own stomach with cum.”

Oh sweet fucking jesus. 

His movements turn shallow and fast, my painfully purple cock rutting upward against his hand in search of delicious release. Finally the first white ropes of hot juice unravel over my stomach and he dives deep inside as my muscles spasm and convulse around him, jerking the remaining semen until I’m covered with it.  

“Yessss,” he hisses, leaning over to take my breath with a searing kiss. “Fucking magic.”

“Your turn. Fill me up,” I slur.

He spins me around so abruptly I grunt and swear, moving himself to stand beside the bed and hooking my ankles over his shoulders.

“You asked for it.”

The glint in his eyes soon gives way to the glazed expression of ecstasy as he slaps against me hard and fast, making long strokes that shake me on the bed and make my cock swell back to life. Spreading my cheeks wide he bites playfully on my calf and a string of expletives are torn from his throat as I feel his thrusts turn ragged and uneven.

“Loki! Fuck!” I feel the rush of warmth as he explodes inside, feel the overflow seep out over my ass as he slows and tries to catch his breath. He releases my legs without withdrawing and I cross them behind his back, pulling him against me while he lies his upper body over mine like a blanket, his chest heaving with exertion.

When he pulls away I scoot back up to lie on the pillow and Bucky curls himself against me, kissing my collarbone before laying his head on my chest.

“That was incredible,” he says with a tired laugh. 

Not realising I’ve dozed off in the stupor of afterglow, I startle awake when I feel his weight shift on the bed.

“Where are you going?”

“Meds, cigarette, and I’ll be back.”

“Want some company?”

“Sure.” He tosses my pants right at my face and laughs, pulling on his own before he leaves the room. I find him already outside, sitting back on the terrace couch and lighting a cigarette.

“My god, the things I want to do to you.” His eyes widen as soon as the words are out, as though he didn’t mean to say them out loud.

“Careful what you wish for, pumpkin.”

“Pumpkin?”

“I don’t know,” I chuckle. “You’ve heard the barrage of nicknames I throw at Zara.”

“Pumpkin… I like it.”

“What sort of things?”

“You’ll find out soon enough.” His cheeks practically glow in the dark, I’m sure I can feel the heat from here.

“You know, I love you.”

“Yeah, I know.”

Reaching forward he pulls me back into him with an arm around my chest so I’m lying back on his reclined torso. 

“I do, too. Love you.”

I toss back his casual “I know” but my heart swells achingly against my chest at hearing him say the words, especially after the intimacy we’ve shared tonight. Knowing how skittish he can be I avoid looking up at him or telling him it’s a big deal to me, I just take it and cuddle it like an orphaned animal.


	16. Feline awakening

###  Bucky

_ Ugh, the sand. Always with the fucking sand. It chafes my scalp when I wash my hair and scratches my eyes no matter how I try to flush it out under the shower. The water rushes deafeningly over my ears, a welcome sound after five days on an operation without the luxury of getting clean. _

_ “James!” _

_ The only man who calls me that cannot possibly be here. _

_ “James Buchanan Barnes!” The deep, booming voice cuts through the roar of the water. _

_ I shut off the taps and spin around with my hands already balled into fists and a wide stance that would probably be more threatening if I weren’t naked. _

_ “Dad?” _

_ “Prrrrow.” _

_ Now I know I’m dreaming.  _

“Ouch!” A sharp tug on my hair rips me into consciousness. Loki is beside me on his back with one arm bent upward and the other under my neck, when he feels me stir he reaches his fingers up to stroke my shoulder blade and pull me back into his chest.

My pillow moves and I bolt upright, realising with a stab of awareness that it wasn’t Loki that pulled my hair. A pair of green eyes stare at me through the dark.

“Meow, maow,” Sigyn voices her displeasure at being so quickly unseated. I’m relieved that it’s just her in my bedroom and not something worse, but even as she’s curling up beside my feet I have to wonder how she got in.

Not important right now, there’s a naked man holding me against him and kissing my lips softly, drawing long lines up my spine while I close my eyes.

The next time I wake up I’m curled around him with my cheek against his shoulder. I spend a few minutes drinking in his leathery, woody scent and listening to rise and fall of his breath against the backdrop of the rousing city so that when I open my eyes I already have an idea it's early in the morning and the crisp wind of yesterday has died down. It’s something Chris and I worked on to train my mind to rise through the process more slowly and deliberately, and makes waking up next to Loki all the sweeter.

My senses have picked up something else I’m unaccustomed to -- a purring weight between my feet. I assumed I’d dreamt that she was here last night but when I look down and her sleepy emerald eyes squint back at me she seems very much real. 

“Good morning,” Loki murmurs, reaching a hand back to rub my hip and thigh. “How’d you sleep?”

“Really well. Did you know Sigyn was with you last night?”

“No. Is she here?”

“Yeah, that purry thing at the end of the bed is yours. I don’t have a cat.”

“Huh,” he chuckles and looks down. “How did you get in here, little girl?”

“It’s a secure building, she must have been right behind us.”

He shrugs and lies back down. “I’ll be more careful next time if it’s a problem.”

“Not at all, just remind me to get her some food.”

“Later. I fed her when we had dinner.” He frowns and tries to grab at me when I sit up. “Where are you going? It’s too early to get up.”

“Settle down,” I say with a soft laugh, leaning down beside the bed to slide my metal arm into place. Technically I could sleep with it now but I’d rather not until I’m more confident in my ability to control its grip, especially with Loki in my bed. Too many appendages I could permanently damage in my sleep. 

Important, pink, made-for-pleasure appendages.

Back under the covers I groan against his soft skin as I kiss his shoulder and neck, tugging his hair gently as I hold it aside. The intimacy of last night is still fresh and admitting my feelings so readily caught me completely off guard, I still feel exposed and vulnerable. And yet, I’ll happily place that trust in Loki -- it’s the rest of the world that worries me.

With our legs entwined I drape my arm over his hip and stroke down the front of his thigh, catching the tip of his erection as it twitches with my touch. He moans as I continue kissing his neck and Sigyn stands up, shooting us both a disgruntled look before leaping off the bed and prancing out the door. My metal hand makes its way to his ass and kneads each cheek gently, separating and massaging them as he grinds back against me and then sliding my fingers between them and forward to brush over his heavy sack.

Loki tosses the covers off and turns to press our bodies together, kissing me deeply while he takes both of our cocks in his long fingers and glides up and down. I curse as my head rubs over his crown, the nerves beneath feeling every ridge and vein. My teeth graze over his tongue as I thrust into his hand and pinch his nipple until he gasps. Leaving my lips aching he kisses my neck and shifts down to my chest, nipping and sucking at my already love-bitten skin and leaving a few more behind as he makes his way downward.

When I’m throbbing in anticipation of his lips wrapping around my cock he stops and turns himself around so he’s beside me on his front with his legs folded beneath him. On instinct my hand goes to his lower back and traces a line between his cheeks and back up his spine. I cry out encouragement as he takes my dick in his beautiful pink lips, lapping at the crown with his tongue and toying with my balls with one hand. Reaching up for the lube on top of the bedhead I first coat his cock with it and tug up and down with a firm fist, catching the first drops of precum on my finger and spreading them over his head. Working my way back I continue spreading the fluid until I part his cheeks and lay eyes on his puckered hole. I can’t say I ever found one all that sexy, but the idea of fucking him again has me almost emptying down his throat. From this angle I can watch him relax and open up for one and then two fingers which I slide in and out while feeling for the magic spot with my fingertips. There’s no mistaking when I find it, he starts to push back against me, arching his back and letting out loud, vibrating moans around my cock.

I’m desperate to bury my length inside him again but hesitant to push him so I alternate stroking his velvet cock with fingering his tight hole, my metal hand roaming his thighs and ass because I’m not confident in its sensitivity yet. After a few minutes I adjust my position and discard the pillow to lie flat on the bed, pulling on Loki’s thigh until he looks down at me.

“I want you on my face,” I say without a shred of the bravado I was hoping for. “Fuck my mouth.”

With his knees either side of my face he lowers himself to my lips and I swirl my tongue around his head, slackening my jaw as he inches inside. My hands guide his depth and I feel his warm mouth sucking my balls as he continues, making me want to take more of him into my throat. Abruptly he withdraws and turns around to sit on my pelvis and kiss my chest, taking the bottle of lube with him when he sits back. His eyes never break contact with mine as he lathers my shaft, icy and almost silver but sparkling with lust. Leaning forward to kiss me he reaches down to position my throbbing erection while I spread him wide with one hand on each cheek. Inching down slowly I watch his eyes widen, heat rise in his cheeks and sweat bead at the base of his throat as I stretch him around me. 

“There is nothing in this world more exquisite than being in your tight ass.”

He responds by raising and lowering his hips, building to a rhythm matched by my hand on his cock. My balls grow heavier with every movement and he soon increases his speed, his muscles tensing around me as his moans overcome the heavy breath that fills the room. Slamming down on me he stills while I stroke him furiously and thick white cum coats his stomach and mine. 

Panting for breath, he leans over onto his forearms and kisses my mouth, gliding his tongue between my lips as I hold him still and start thrusting up to meet him, my skin slapping against his as I drive out a shuddering orgasm. As my seed flows and spurts into him his kiss slows and becomes tender, both of us catching our breath as I ride it out with slow thrusts and feel more of his cum dribble onto my stomach. 

“I take it back,” I croak as he spreads out beside me on the bed. “There’s nothing more exquisite than your tight ass contracting around me when you come. Fuck.”

“Says the man who demanded I fuck his mouth.”

I feel the heat rise in my cheeks and he chuckles as I try to hide it, pulling me in with an arm around my chest.

“I love it when you blush. Can we just stay in this bed all weekend?”

“Sure.”

Sigyn’s sleek black figure almost blends into his hair as she appears beside him and starts pawing at his face.

“Or not. How did you get in, anyway?”

As it turns out once she has her litter tray and food she’s quite happy amusing herself and napping in the window, when we retire that night she’s curled up in my spot on the couch. Early in the morning another dream is just turning violent when I’m gently woken by her incessant chatter in my ear.

“Sorry, darlin’. Did I wake you again?”

She curls up at my feet with a cranky “Maow.”

“Who’re you talking to?” Loki mumbles against my shoulder.

“Sigyn. Go back to sleep.”

* * *

Over the next two weeks she wakes me every night that Loki is here, sometimes more than once. As I grow accustomed to having her there, her soft pawing or chattering at me to wake up, I find it easier to fall back to sleep. After five nights straight with Loki in my bed I feel more rested than I can ever remember, as though knowing she won’t let me hurt him is all the security I’ve ever needed.

“I don’t know how she does it, but she’s obviously meant to be your protector.”

We’re lying on my couch and Loki has just pulled out  _ Dorian Grey _ , opening it close to the end where a post-it was marking my place. Almost every time he reads to me I have to go back and re-read that chapter -- either because I can’t focus on the words when his warm-honey-on-gravel voice is turning my insides to mush or because he puts me to sleep. The last time I was able to fall asleep without chemical assistance was long before my first deployment, and yet Loki has me drifting off in a matter of minutes.

There’s a scream in my ear and then Loki’s legs jump under my head.

“Hey! What was that for?” he scolds. 

I feel the prickles of claws as Sigyn kneads at my chest. 

“Sorry. What did I do?” 

“Not you, the traitorous minx who just leapt over me to get to you and frightened the shit out of me.”

“That scream wasn’t you? Did I yell in my sleep?”

“No, you didn’t even move. Why?”

“I just…” I rub at my eyes. “I guess I was dreaming.”

“How did she know you were dreaming from across the room when I didn’t from right here?” 

“I don’t know. Thanks, little girl.” I stroke down her back and she purrs, circling around and curling up right in the middle of my chest. “I think this might mean I can stay over at yours,” I crane my neck back to look up at him. “Since little miss is so capable of keeping you safe.”

“I’ve never felt unsafe with you, Bucky. I’d love that.”

“I love you.” I reach up and caress the side of his face. “We should go to bed.”

I shift Sigyn off onto the couch and pick up a lighter and cigarette off the coffee table on the way to the terrace.

“I’d say ‘help yourself’ but I already know you will,” I laugh.

Smoking is a vice I was raised with, from my father to sneaking them at school to the Marines -- where if you weren’t a smoker when you got your first deployment you were guaranteed to be by the end of the first week -- and there’s something about Loki drawing back on a cigarette and blowing the smoke gently out through pursed lips that is hot as hell. It might be slowly killing him but I could watch all day.

That first night before our encounter with Zara when he leaned over and took a puff of mine I was alarmed to find myself aroused, my cock straining my jeans just from that completely non-sexual act. I’d never been so confused, having spent half my life watching men smoke and never paid it any mind and suddenly finding it so sexy I knew I’d be buffing the banana later that night.  

I don’t know how long I’ve been in love with Loki. There wasn’t a moment when I knew or a lightning bolt that struck me down or showered me in pink puffy hearts, I think I was in denial for such a long time that when I had my guard down it just floated out of my mouth. Making love to him is the most intimate experience of my life, one that has completely taken me by surprise. I expected it would be much like sex with a woman -- which I’ve enjoyed many times over both with and without strings -- but I couldn’t have been more wrong. The way he’s given himself over to me without fear is something I envy and admire but could never do. I long to know how it feels to have him inside and be utterly at his mercy, but… 

The truth is that being on the receiving end is like admitting to the world that I’m in love with a man, in a homosexual relationship, whatever you want to call it. As I said to Chris recently -- and they’re words I’m utterly ashamed of -- ‘plenty of straight men mess around with other men. A fuck is a fuck and you take what you can get. Straight men don’t take a cock up the ass, though.’

Just when I thought I was sorting myself out it’s like my mind, body, and heart are operating on entirely separate planes of existence. 

“Thank you, Kitten,” he chuckles at the name I started calling him last week after I discovered he purrs quite beautifully when I rub his back in the right place.

“For what?”

“Being patient with me. Giving me time to get my head around everything.”

“You make it pretty easy.” He smiles and blows a smoke ring at me. “And your big dick helps.”

“Man whore,” I laugh.

“I’m your man whore, Pumpkin. Get used to it.”

“Then my big dick is all yours.”

As soon as I’ve stubbed my cigarette out I switch off the lights on the way to the bedroom, finding Loki already in the adjacent shower. “You joining me?” he calls.

“Can’t refuse that sort of offer.” I kick off my pants and open the door, my shirt and metal arm already lay on the counter. He’s standing under the water with his head back so it streams over his face and down his hair, and I take a few moments to drink in his body from broad shoulders to lean, sculpted torso and narrow hips, the erection growing steadily against his thigh. “Beautiful,” I murmur. “There’s just no other word for it.”

Glacial blue eyes find mine and he steps forward so the water splashes off his shoulders, reaching a hand toward me. 

“Come here, love.”

Our lips meet as his arms hold my hips, pressing his body against mine. I kiss him hungrily and he melts into me, I wrap my arms tight around his back so we’re melded under the warm stream of water. While our tongues clash his long fingers dig into my flesh where my ass and thighs meet, kneading and lifting, spreading my cheeks apart before travelling up my back and leaving a trail of heat in their wake. My hips grind against his, our erections rubbing together and sending shocks through my balls.

As quickly as he began he pulls away and lathers his hands with soap, washing down from my neck until I’m covered in bubbles then repeating the action on my back while I face the wall. 

“Go wait for me in bed,” he says when I’m rinsed off, nipping playfully at my jaw.

“I thought I was the top in this arrangement?” I tease.

He slaps my ass, leaving a reverberating sting that drops my jaw in surprise.

“Go.”

I’m not waiting for a second just in case that was only a warning shot, and when he emerges I’m face up and spread-eagled in the middle of the bed.

“Like this?” I ask eagerly. 

“Yes,” he laughs. “I do.”

His face turns serious as he joins me on the bed, sitting beside me and trailing his fingertips over my torso. 

“Do you trust me?”

“Yes.”

“Turn over. On your knees.”

I do as he asks but he obviously senses my hesitation, running a gentle hand over the back of my thigh like he might be patting a frightened animal. 

“Bucky, I won’t do anything you won’t like. Nothing I haven’t done before. If you want me to stop or you’re uncomfortable, just say so.”

“I trust you, Loki,” I reiterate.

Kneeling behind me, I feel his hardened cock rub against me as he leans over and begins with kisses at the back of my neck and a gentle tug on my hair as he twists it out of the way. I gasp at the firm bite he places at my nape, soothing it with his tongue before he continues down my spine, his hand squeezing and rubbing at my ass. His weight shifts on the bed and although my eyes are closed I feel him sit back on his heels and then his hands are guiding my legs wide, pushing my rear further into the air. 

Long fingers reach between my spread thighs and stroke my cock, which throbs as cool air hits places unaccustomed to being so exposed. Precum is spread over the head by his expert thumb and as he leaves me wanting more I hear the soft ‘pop’ of him sucking the remainder off with a groan.

Forcing my hips to angle upward he latches his mouth onto my sack and sucks one nut between his lips, dragging gently down until I moan. My bollocks have never had so much attention as Loki gives them and it’s one of those things I never knew I’d love so much. He swirls around it with his tongue, repeating the process with the other one so that when he releases it the cool air leaves them both prickling with excitement. A pointed tongue separates them and drags upward, over that other spot I never knew was so pleasurable and then further back as his hands gently part my cheeks. 

A sharp breath hisses between my teeth, part surprise and part pleasure, when he reaches my hole. I freeze and my brain screeches to a halt as he continues up to the dimple at the base of my spine and blows cool air over the entire area before he follows the same path again, this time stopping right over my pucker and licking at it. As he presses the tight muscle with his thumb a voice deep in my brain wants me to be ashamed and not enjoy it for even a moment, but when he holds me open and laps with that long wet tongue…

“Oh, fuck.... So good…”

I have no choice but to give in and soon find myself leaning in to his attention, urging him deeper when he pauses to open me further with a long slick finger or two. Incoherent moans echo around the room and I feel like I’m teetering on the edge of sanity, an orgasm just beyond my grasp as I claw at the sheets.

With a few gentle kisses he pulls back, his hands caressing my hips and back tenderly.

“Loki…” I choke out a plea between panting breaths. “Fuck me… please.”

There’s a gravelly chuckle as he shifts on the bed. “Not tonight. Switch places, though?”

I move back up onto shaky knees while Loki kneels in front of me but before he can put his hands down I hold him back against me and kiss his shoulders, letting my hands roam his body and grinding myself against his ass while he strokes his dripping cock. 

Coating my shaft in lube I press my fingers against his tight hole and feel him relax and open in readiness, arching his back and moaning when I push deeper. He shivers at the touch of my metal fingers dragging down his spine and I begin sliding the head of my cock against his ass. As I guide myself inside him he pulls me in eagerly, meeting my pressure with his pelvis until I’m buried to the hilt and rubbing my balls against him. When I start to thrust I keep the pace painfully slow and steady, I won’t last more than a few thrusts otherwise. I lean over and wrap my body around his back so I can jerk his cock with my hand and keep my movements shallow and slow until his moans grow louder and faster, more piercing. 

“Give it to me, baby,” he says through gritted teeth.

I rut my pelvis against him hard and fast, unable to hold back another second once he asks for it. My heavy, swollen balls draw up even as they’re slapping against him, my legs shaking as my whole body hums in desperation for release. 

Loki’s raven hair flicks over his shoulders as he throws his head back and cries out, his muscles contracting rhythmically around my already throbbing dick as he shoots his seed onto my hand and the bed. I’m overcome and empty myself deep inside him, collapsing onto my side even as I’m firing off the last spurts of cum. I take Loki down with me without withdrawing and hold his quivering body against me while we catch our breath.

When I soften and pull out Loki turns over and caresses my face, kissing me long and slow. 

“I love you,” he whispers, his lips moving against mine. 

“I love you, too. That was just… fucking incredible.”

“Yeah… you’re not ready. When you are you’ll fucking well get it, but I can wait. I want you to feel like I do afterward, not regret it later.”

“Loki, I’d never regret anything with you.”

“You would, and you wouldn’t be able to help it. It’s all right, you have issues to work out in your head. This,” he pokes a finger at the left side of my chest, “is all I need.”

“It’s yours.”

* * *

 

The following night I’m alone and much as I wish he were here I’m looking forward to an early night and fulfilling my need for some alone time. 

According to Chris I need to think of my mind like a battery that needs to be recharged, and I’m the kind of person who can only do that in isolation whereas others might need to be surrounded by people. This weekend is Steve’s birthday and we’ll be hitting the town to celebrate, so I’m going to need all the recharging I can get.

Just before six a.m. the bedroom windows turn gradually from blacked out to full light so I wake up slowly, and one of the first things I hear is soft purring. I snake my arm under the covers in search of Loki’s warmth, only to find his side empty.

Except for Sigyn at the foot end.

I take a minute to replay the night before, going to bed alone, reaffirming that Loki wasn’t here last night. Recollections of dreams assault my brain but each one is just a flash, a few seconds of background racket or scenery, and then being woken gently by a paw or rough tongue.

“You been looking out for me again, sweetheart?”

I pat the bed beside me and she nuzzles against my forehead a few times before making herself comfortable. Loki and I have tried and failed to find an explanation for her night time visits, particularly the part where she slips into a supposed secure building unnoticed. As soon as I’m upright I check the doors and windows, which are all still securely locked. She’s snoozing on my pillow when I step into the shower and as soon as I’m done I figure Loki might be looking for her.

“Good morning,” he says in a gravelly voice. “You up already?”

“Yeah, thought you might be missing somethin’,”

“Is he about five eleven, dark hair, kind of broody with a metal arm?”

“No,” I chuckle. “Dark hair, though. About 8 inches to her shoulders, talkative, piercing green eyes?”

“She’s there?”

“Yep, purring away on my-” I stop short at the end of the bed. “Sigyn?” I call, looking around.

“She was. Either that or we can add hallucination to my list of crazy.”

“Hold on.”

I hear the ruffle of sheets and imagine him unfolding his lean body off the bed, not bothering with clothing as he wanders around his still-dark apartment.

“Sigyn? Are you here, little darling?”

A tiny  _ mrrrow _ comes through the phone like a hushed feline whisper.

“She’s right here.”

I’m speechless. Theoretically she’d have had time to get between our buildings while I was showering, but everything is still locked up.

“I don’t suppose any of your windows are open?”

“Are you kidding? It’s freezing outside.”

“That’s what I thought.”

For the next twenty minutes I pace around with a bowl of cereal, wondering whether I need to tell Nat there’s a security breach somewhere and she’s getting in, or tell Chris I’m imagining a cat who stops my nightmares before they happen. Or Tony, because maybe Loki has a cat who can teleport.


	17. Come Home to Me

## Loki

 _“Come home, Loki.”_  
“Thor?”  
“It’s over. Come home.”  
Cold sweat beads on my face and neck, my hair sticking to it like it’s trying to suffocate me as I sit up and gulp in huge breaths. The bedside clock reads 2am and I groan as I scrub a hand over my face.  
I haven’t dreamed of Thor in years and I’m glad it’s no longer a regular occurrence because I find it highly unsettling. As I lie back on the pillow and pull up the covers my feet automatically search for the warm spot that usually resides nearby.  
“Fall in love with a man and he steals my bloody cat,” I grumble into the pillow. “What about when I have a nightmare?”

Standing at the bar that night I stifle a yawn while waiting to order drinks.  
“Late night?” Nat asks with a wink.  
“Not the good kind.”  
She tugs on my arm, leaving Clint to get our drinks and leading me to a secluded corner booth.  
“C’mon, Nat. You know I’m with Bucky now,” I joke.  
“Funny, that wouldn’t have stopped you before. Anyway, I wanted to ask you about Tony.”  
“Stark?”  
“Yeah. Do you know each other?”  
“I…”  
He shouldn’t know. Thor and I may have brought the odd fisticuff to Midgard but we never so careless to be seen in our natural form. I’ve never met a soul here who thought the stories about us were anything but fiction.  
“I know of him, that’s all. As far as I recall we haven’t met. Why?”  
“He was asking about you, about your relationship with Bucky and why you were in the tower.”  
“Oh. I didn’t think it would be a problem.”  
“It isn’t. Maybe he’s just being protective of Bucky, he has a lot more plans for him than he’s letting on. I don’t know, just… behave, ok?”  
“You’ll let me know if something’s going on? If I should back off?”  
“Yeah. That’s why I asked.”  
“You wanna explain what you’re doing with my woman in a dark booth?” Clint growls, handing me a wine.  
“Sprung.” She winks as she slides out.  
“Nat?” I grasp her wrist. “Do you trust him?”  
“I don’t completely trust anyone, you know that. Enough to work for him, though.”  
I nod and force a tight smile, which broadens when Bucky approaches and I stand.  
“Hey, handsome.” I slip my hand into his and feel him tense before he pulls it away.  
“Hey. What were you guys talking about?”  
“Nothing interesting. Having fun?”  
“Yeah, actually. It’s been a while, I feel good.”  
“You look good.” He tenses again, enough that I want to push his shoulders down from his ears.  
“Sorry, I’m not trying to make you uncomfortable. As long as you’re mine in the bedroom I can control myself when there’s people around.”  
“I am.” He winks one twinkling blue eye and tucks his hair behind his ear.  
Sitting around the fireplace with drinks in hand we sing happy birthday to Steve as loud and out of tune as possible, making sure the whole bar and probably half of New York knows that he’s a year older, and just when we’re about to go back to our conversations he stands up for our attention.  
“So Peggy insisted I could have anything I wanted for my birthday, I only had to name it.” He reaches down for her hands and pulls her up. “I want you to be my wife. Marry me.”  
A collective ‘awww’ sounds around us as she gasps and he takes full advantage of her open mouth, kissing her passionately until the ‘awww’s are about to turn to ‘ewwww’s.  
“I assume that’s a yes, then?” Nat says.  
“Yes. Definitely yes,” Peggy says with an enthusiastic nod. “I’m going to need a lot more wine.”  
“Did you ever think… do you think you’ll get married?” Bucky asks on the way home.  
“Not happily,” I chuckle. I was supposedly betrothed to some warrior’s daughter; our first meeting as adolescents ended with a rather blunt and sloppily wielded knife at my throat, something I’ve since become uncomfortably familiar with. “Do you?”  
“I always thought I would. Come home, marry a nice girl and knock her up. Follow in my dear old dad’s footsteps, much as I hated the thought. Now it’s much less likely, I think. If nothing else I’ve learned what he or anyone else wanted for me doesn’t matter, I can do whatever the hell I want.”  
“That’s my boy.” I guide him up against a darkened shop window and kiss him hard, holding his waist against me.  
He presses a hand flat against my chest until I lean back to look at him. “Loki, not here.”  
“It’s dark, baby. There’s no one watching.” Emboldened by alcohol, I lean in to kiss him again, but he pushes back a little harder. “Ok. Sorry.”  
“I wish I had your casual attitude to all this.”  
“I know. I shouldn’t have pushed you, that was careless of me.”  
“You generally seem to know how far to push, it’s ok. We’ll blame the alcohol.”  
“I try not to, I just hate not touching you.” I might be a little tipsy. I’ll never get used to being so easily affected by alcohol, it’s unnatural.  
I clasp my hands behind my back for the rest of the journey, earning a chuckle from Bucky as he shakes his head. The anticipation grows as we close the distance between the bar and my apartment, his hand fidgeting with his lighter by the time we get to the door.  
“If you’re not ready to stay over it’s ok.”  
“I think I am. I want to be. Let me apologise now if I bail out in the middle of the night, though.”  
“You don’t need to apologise, and you could always wake me up if you can’t sleep. I’ll do my best to fuck you unconscious.”  
At the first jolt of the ascending elevator he grabs the sides of my face and pushes me against the wall, his open mouth covering mine and his tongue parting my lips. He moans and crushes my body as his hips grind into me, his erection growing against my own as the creak of denim and leather accompanies his heavy breath.  
When the doors open he straightens and peers out for anyone in the hall before taking my outstretched hand. I won’t deny being a little bothered by his skittishness, a tiny part of me thinks he’s ashamed and embarrassed of me rather than his affections, and if I let that part take over it would turn me into just the needy man he’d want to be rid of.  
Once we’re inside the urgency dissipates as quickly as the shyness. He undresses me with care, peeling back each layer of clothing like the petals of a flower until my body is exposed to the cool air. He warms me with his breath, his mouth, his skin, until I’m ready to boil over and drown us both in white hot bliss.  
I’m on my stomach with my legs bent beneath me and spread wide when he finally kicks off his shorts and drapes himself over me to kiss my shoulders and back. Bucky’s erection presses against my leg, leaving a trail of precum as he reverses down my body and trails his tongue down my spine. His strong hands massage my arse, spreading my cheeks wide as he blows cool air over my crevice until I shudder and groan.  
He kisses the puckered skin lovingly, opens me tenderly with his tongue, and teases the tight ring until I push back against him and beg for more. Two fingers ready me for his cock, swirling and scissoring, rubbing my gland and stretching me while he smooths lube over his shaft and rubs the tip against my hole.  
My cock aches with arousal and my body hums with need, he’s ignited a fire that threatens to consume me from the core. Just when I think I can’t take any more he turns my head to kiss me while entering slowly, watching me with deep blue concerned eyes as I angle my hips for his cock to push deeper and threading his fingers between mine where I clutch the sheet.  
Bucky makes love to me with a tenderness I’d never dreamed he was capable of. His mouth and hands never stop caressing me, whispering encouragement between hissing breath and deep rumbling moans, kissing my neck and shoulders, lying his body on top of mine as though he needs as much of my skin as possible. Every inch of me buzzes and tingles, my cock and balls driving against the friction of the sheets and desperately seeking more.  
His thrusts slow and he kisses me hungrily, our teeth and tongues clashing as his hips pull back and he withdraws and flips me to my back. Briefly he takes my dick in his mouth and sucks back hard, his hand stroking my balls so expertly I’m on the verge of orgasm when he releases me and spreads my thighs to kneel between them. He slides easily inside my stretched hole and leans in to kiss me again before sitting back and gripping my legs with both hands. The metal digs in harder than the flesh, cold against my burning skin pinching hard enough to leave bruises that will have me smiling for a week. As he builds a rhythm he fists my cock and jerks it in time with his slapping thrusts, drops of precum falling onto my stomach in a warm puddle. His hair obscures his face when he looks down at our bodies meeting and I feel his penetration grow deeper, the fuzz of his balls brushing against my cheeks is the last scrap of sensation my body can take and the grunts and whimpers that issue from my throat don’t sound like mine.  
I dissolve into uncontrolled spasms and paint my stomach and chest with warm sticky cum, his fingers squeezing gently and rubbing my head until the last spurts run dry. Only then I notice he’s stopped and look up to see his contorted face pointed toward the ceiling, his throbbing cock still being milked by my contracting rings of muscle. His breath is ragged and loud, quick pants that stop abruptly as he pulls out and thrusts haphazardly into his own fist, his seed mixing with mine as it flows over my torso and pools in my navel.  
Bucky collapses forward so fast I jump, catching himself on his elbows just millimetres from my face and kissing me between gasps of breath before he falls onto the pillow beside me. After a minute or so of silence he leaps up and leaves the room, leaving me in a bemused daze until he returns with a wet cloth and cleans me up.  
“Sexy as hell and considerate, too. I feel I should be proposing so you don’t get away.”  
He laughs and kisses me softly. “Right now I’d accept just about anything you offered.”  
“Don’t tempt me.”  
As he lies back I prop my head on my elbow and let my eyes and fingertips drink in every inch of his lovely body -- from metal arm and tattooed chest to the soft dick resting in its nest of curls and those piercing blue eyes that hide so much turmoil.  
“I love you, Loki.”  
This time it feels more like the confession of a dearly protected secret, his stare is unwavering and he doesn’t look away or mumble. Like it’s the truth he’s wanted to tell for some time but he felt he deserved the burden.  
“I love you too.”  
I wait a few more seconds and cup his angular cheek in my hand, expecting him to look away or break the silence in some way, perhaps pull me down into a kiss to relieve his own vulnerability.  
He doesn’t.  
When we share a cigarette on the terrace and slip back into each other’s arms in bed something I can’t put my finger on is different. For the first time he doesn’t remove his arm and he lets me hold him face to face like he’s no longer afraid of strangling me in his sleep.  
This can only mean two things; either he’s beginning to accept who he is and not worry about the outside world, at least behind closed doors; or he’s turned homicidal and plans on murdering me.  
It isn’t that thought that keeps me awake that night, nor is it Sigyn waking Bucky at regular intervals. It’s the idea that either Stark knows more than he’s letting on. I could be excited by that -- if anyone here on Midgard can put it right it would be Tony Stark -- but I can’t get past the fact I’ve lied to Bucky and he might find out.  
Then again, if Stark tells him his boyfriend is actually a former demigod, hundreds of years his senior, from some realm called Asgard… Bucky’s brain would implode and there’d be bigger problems than the truth.


	18. Suspicion

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The notes at the end contain references to specific clinical studies as indicated by the numbers in Bucky's discussion with Tony, however this is a work of fiction. I could find no evidence of human trials, nor were these studies conducted in Germany. Also Tony Stark is fictional, as is his money and his research facility.

**Bucky**

Spending weekends at Loki’s apartment has quickly become the norm, just like waking up in each other’s arms. We might have one or two nights apart during the week but otherwise we’ve fallen deep into the honeymoon phase and are happily the butt of everyone else’s codependency jokes.

Since spending my first night in Loki’s bed a month ago I feel more and more relaxed there and Sigyn’s rousings no longer wake me as much as they hit the emergency stop in my brain and it reroutes to something else. Having witnessed it a few times now Loki tells me I don’t even move, she sits by me and paws softly at my cheek or presses her cold nose against mine and then curls back up and goes back to sleep. We still have absolutely no idea how she gets in to my apartment and I’m hesitant to bring it up lest they forbid her altogether.

Jamie is working on the receptors in my arm sending feedback as well as receiving and a few days ago we did have a tiny bit of success where I could feel the ripeness of a plum with my fingertips. Unfortunately when I tried to release it I got the nerve equivalent of screeching audio feedback and the jolt of pain made me squash a perfectly good piece of fruit. What followed was an awkward conversation about feeling the firmness of certain genital parts and I think from now on we’ll stick with fresh produce.

The processor I was working on finally had its purpose revealed the day after -- he wants to enhance my hearing with it. The physiological side is beyond me but my part will involve a whole lot of sensors and pushing its limits in terms of programming, so I have my next project all worked out.

As I attempt to roll out of bed on a Monday morning Loki grips my waist and pulls me back against him.

“Don’t go. It’s cold out there.”

“I know.” I chuckle and turn over in his arms, the blustering wind outside whistling between the buildings. “But I have work.”

His lips press softly against mine and then over my jaw. “Skip it. Take a sick day.”

“We have a medical unit who would want to see me.”

The vibration of his grumble against my throat raises goosebumps on my neck. “Mental health day.”

“Chris would be on the doorstep before nine.” My knee slips between his thighs, his morning wood digging into my hip.

“Carer’s leave, then. I don’t feel well.” He covers a fake cough with his hand and kisses my chest.

“You feel damn fine to me, and they don’t know about us. There’d be more questions than the time I misplaced my arm.”

I nudge him onto his back and lie on top, kissing him thoroughly as he cards his fingers through my hair. Pressed back so my weight is on my hands and knees I watch his fingers trace over my shoulder.

“You’re getting bigger.”

“Maybe. We’ve been training pretty hard. Don’t you like it?”

“Oh, I’m not complaining,” he says, squeezing my pecs with his fingertips. “It’s just noticeable. I guess having your new arm now means you can do more.”

“Yeah, I’ve had to even up the muscles. I have to go, I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine,” he says dramatically. “Just leave me cold and alone after you used my body last night like your personal plaything.”

“That’s your argument? I recall the play being pretty even.”

He shakes his head as I inch toward the edge of the bed and stand to get dressed. “That thing you did with your teeth automatically wrote off everything else.”

“I’ll leave it out next time.” I zip a light coat over my shorts and tank top.

“Don’t you dare.” He smiles against my lips as I kiss him goodbye, holding my face so he can deepen the kiss and roll his tongue over mine as long as possible before releasing me.

“Love you, Kitten.” I call from the door.

 

* * *

 

I’m sipping a coffee and rubbing at an ache in my shoulder when a man clears his throat in my door and I find Tony Stark fiddling with the bottom of his burgundy silk tie.

“Mr Stark,” I say, standing and offering my hand. “This is a pleasant surprise.”

“Tony, please.” He shakes my hand and takes the chair opposite. “You’ve done some great work, Bucky. How’s the arm?”

“Amazing. So much better than the other one.”

“I’d hope so. Jamie says you’re getting more out of it every day. We couldn’t have asked for better success, I don’t think.”

“I agree.”

“Which means it's time we talk about what’s next for you.” He taps the side of his head with two fingers. “The human brain makes a cybernetic arm look like a plastic Tonka truck. I’ll let Jamie explain the specifics but we’re hoping to use your processor to replace the degraded functions of your auditory system. There has been some success with traditional cochlear implants but they’re no good in the field, we need something that isn’t easily damaged and works better than what you were born with.”

“Ok…”

“Which brings me to why I’m here, because you already know all of that. When we brought you here, you said your biggest disappointment when you were injured was not being able to go back and finish the job. What if you could? What if we could make you even better than you were before and send you back?”

“To the Middle East?” My chest tightens and I feel like the oxygen in the room has been replaced with sand.

“James, I’m not just talking about you. Imagine if we could bring home our soldiers from each deployment and reset their brains so PTSD isn’t a problem? What if we could replace broken parts and send them back to finish the mission?”

“But… I was discharged You can’t… please don't send me back.”

“I have no intention of sending you back to fight. I want to use you to show the world’s military organisations what we can do. Take an amputee with crippling mental trauma and hearing loss and turn him into a super soldier. Your processor and sensors will not only repair previously irreparable hearing loss, it will allow you to hear sounds humans can’t otherwise. And then we apply the same approach to visual enhancement.”

I take a few moments to allow his words to sink in and collect my thoughts.

“Mr Stark, with all due respect and gratitude-”

“Tony, and you can speak your mind.”

“Tony, you’re looking at soldiers like pieces of meat at best and robots at worst. The only thing worse than treating us as disposable is treating us like you can just repair us with spare parts and send us back to the front line.”

“Better that, though, than recruiting more and more and leaving them scarred. Am I right? There won’t be a need to replace those that break down after their first tour.”

“How do you cure PTSD, exactly?”

“I’ve tasked our neurosurgeon with furthering some research done in Germany recently where they used deep brain stimulation to promote nerve growth and reverse the effects. Basically when they stimulated it they found it can be reset to a degree and there is potential for a preventative treatment before going in to a potentially traumatic situation.” 1 and 3

“I’ve heard about that, Jamie and Chris said it was unrefined and risky.”

“There are a number of trials underway in mice with promising results, but the human trials have been a little more hit and miss. They went into trials with diagnosed PTSD too soon in my opinion, and tried to kill off the neurons without enough understanding of which ones to target.”2

“That doesn’t mean I want to wipe my brain and start all over again.”

“You wouldn’t be. There has been some success and we’re getting closer every time. We’re not talking about forgetting how to do things, those are stored somewhere else. You’d still be a soldier, still know your friends and family, you’d just be without the unhappy parts.”

I scratch thoughtfully at my jaw.

“It’s your decision,” he continues. “I can’t force you, I thought you’d do anything to be rid of the anxiety and nightmares. While I’m here, I need to ask you about a friend of yours.”

“Which one?”

“Loki.”

As soon as his tongue rounds the ‘L’ I stiffen in my chair, sitting up straighter against the back and clenching my hands together on top of my desk.

“What about him?”

“He’s been here a lot. How much do you know about him?”

“Well we’re friends…”

“Nothing more?”

“I… Nat has known him a lot longer than I have. I trust him, though. Is something bothering you?”

“Only what you’re not telling me. Barnes, are you in a relationship with Loki?”

I feel like I might be sick. “The beginning of one,” I say quietly.

“Before he spends any more time in my facility I’d like to know a little more about him.”

“Like what? He owns a little bookshop, he grew up in London.”

“What about his family? Do you even know his last name.”

“Odinson. And he doesn’t get along with his family.”

“Loki,” he says as though I’ve just given him a spoonful of something he doesn’t consider food. “Unusual, isn’t it?”

“Yes,” I reply and shrug. “But then so is Bucky.”

“Here’s what I’ll do. I’m warning you against getting in too deep with someone you know so little about, but it’s not for me to legislate what you do in your bedroom. I will keep a close eye on him and not hesitate to deal with him just as I would any other threat, though.”

“I’m not sure I understand why you’re so suspicious. He’s a small business owner.”

“With that apartment it must be one hell of a business. And I’m naturally suspicious.”

 

* * *

 

Loki’s voice surrounds me like a familiar blanket, his scent silencing the anxiety in my head, the long fingers on the hand not holding the book threading through my hair as he reads to me in bed. I reach up and take the book from his hand, setting it face down and open on the nightstand. Seeing the horrified look on his face I realise my mistake and slip the first makeshift bookmark I can locate -- a dollar bill -- inside.

“Aw, Pumpkin. You’re learning. You could have taken care of yourself until I finished the paragraph, though.”

He slides down to lie on the pillow and kisses my neck, his hand snaking down to cup my balls.

“Tell me about your family.”

The pleasant tingling between my legs comes to an abrupt halt.

“I don’t have one.”

“Well I know that’s not true, you had to come from somewhere.”

“We stopped speaking a long time ago and I’d sooner not talk about them.”

“What about your brother?”

“He’s in security with the UN. Currently based in the Middle East.”

“Thor, right?”

“Yes. Why the 20 questions?”

“I just wondered. What did you do before the shop?”

“I was a curator for the British Library. Bucky, if there’s something you’re getting at just spit it out.”

“There isn’t, I’m sorry it sounds that way. I just realised how little I know about you.”

“How little you know about my past,” he says, pausing to kiss me. “You’re in my present and hopefully my future. I’d hope you know all there is to know about that. That’s why I don’t ask a lot about what happened to you, about the less happy parts of your childhood. It’s your past, and it doesn’t matter unless you want it to.”

As is so often the case he silences all of my worries with one simple statement and his kisses make me forget all that troubled me.

In the haze of afterglow with the scent of sex and sweat thick in the air I lay my head on his chest and wonder if he really means that, if he’d feel the same after finding out exactly what sort of soldier I was.

 

“You trust Loki, right?” I ask Nat a few days later. She sits across the table from me in the ground floor cafe, an oversized soup spoon half way to her mouth.

“Enough to trust him with Zara. Why?”

“Tony came to see me, he was asking a lot of questions about how well I know him.”

“Did he ask about your relationship?”

“Yes, like he was trying to warn me away, like he knows something I don’t.”

“He was sniffing around me not long ago, too. I’d consider cooling it a bit while you’re at home until we know what’s going on. Maybe he’s uncomfortable with your relationship. Ooh, maybe he’s jealous and wants you all for himself.”

I almost spit my milkshake. “Pepper might have a problem with that. He said he has a project in mind for me, he wants to turn me into a walking sales pitch to the military.”

“You don’t sound all that positive.”

“I don’t want to go back.” I whisper.

“He can’t… well, he probably could make you, but I doubt he will.”

“That’s not very comforting. Has Loki spoken about his family with you?”

“Not really,” she shrugs. “He has a brother who works for the UN but used to be some sort of military guy -- Loki called him a boorish aggressor. His father died not long after he came to New York, not a lot of love lost there. He’s never mentioned his mother but I know there’s a story there because he shuts down if you bring it up. Why?”

“Do you think that’s weird, that he won’t talk about it?”

“Nope.” She rests her elbows on the table and her face in her hands, putting on a syrupy voice. “Tell me all about yourself, James Barnes. How was your relationship with your parents? Do you think they regretted not having siblings for you? What was it like to kill all those people with one shot and be super proud of yourself?”

I lean back and fold my arms. “Point taken.”

“Looking forward to camping on the weekend?”

“Yeah, actually. More so than before and even more than last time. It’ll be good to be ourselves without being cooped up inside. Why did we celebrate Steve’s birthday if it’s not until this weekend, though?”

“He wanted a few work buddies there and some of Peggy’s friends. Basically it was a big setup for the proposal and now we’re going camping for the actual birthday.”

“Fourth of July, huh? So patriotic.”

 

* * *

 

Last year when this trip happened for Steve’s birthday I made some excuse about being busy and barricaded myself inside with earplugs. Chris wanted me to have friends around for support but the thought of them seeing me scared of a few fireworks made the choice for me.

This time I’m going but I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t apprehensive. My bag is stocked with meds and earplugs in addition to the usual camping gear and Loki is fawning over me every few seconds checking that I’m not too anxious.

It’s sweet and annoying the shit out of me.

In the back of Clint’s big black government SUV we’re making the trip upstate and out of the city where it should be tranquil and serene in contrast to the mass celebration that descends on Manhattan. No doubt we’ll be responsible for shattering that tranquility later this evening. Loki’s fingers are threaded into mine and his thumb rubs the side of my hand in a gesture of comfort, giving me the occasional supportive squeeze as the traffic thins out and we approach our destination. After a few restless nights as she prepares her students for performance exams Zara is draped over his other side like a rag doll with her sleepy head on his chest and his arm around her shoulders. His calming effect isn’t only for me, apparently.

Once we’ve arrived and set up camp for the four days we find a crystal clear lake only a short walk away with a sandy shore and warm water thanks to the blazing sun. I’ve grown used to my new arm now and these guys don’t bat an eyelid at anything, so I’m surprised when Zara gasps and makes a pained hiss as she’s examining my shoulder.

“What?” I try to turn my head far enough to see behind me.

“It’s like your skin is growing into it.”

“It has to for the nerves to work properly, that’s normal. Shit Zara you scared me, I thought something awful was going on back there.”

“Doesn’t it hurt? It’s all red and swollen where it pulls when you move.”

“A little, but it will heal. I’ve had worse. It’s worth a little pain to feel things like I used to and have it function like a real arm. Better than a real arm.”

When Jamie first told me the additional procedures would be to add another set of flexible plates around my shoulder joint and encourage my flesh to grow around them I was less enthusiastic than he wanted me to be and although I refused to yelp in pain the ‘encouragement’ basically felt like he was shredding my shoulder with a grater. Ideally the end result of all this would be something that looked like it belonged there and just sprouted from my body, but I guess the titanium makes that a moot point.

Loki sighs when I pull my t-shirt back over my head.

“I was just starting to enjoy the view.”

“You’ll get plenty of it later in the tent,” Clint pipes up.

A few seconds pass while I draw all the courage I’ve got. “If he plays his cards right he’ll get more than a viewing.”

They all stop dead and look at me until I want the ground to just swallow me up. Loki is beaming like all his Christmases have just come at once.

“Sorry,” I mumble.

Laughter bursts from them so abruptly a family of birds take flight from a nearby tree.

“Didn’t think you had it in you,” Nat says, clapping me on the shoulder. “It’s just us, Bucky. There’s no one else for miles. You don’t have to worry about the outside world. We all knew you were thinking it we just didn’t expect you to say it out loud. You’re definitely one of us, now.”

I want to fit in, I’ve always felt like I sat on the fringes and never really was an integral part of a group. More importantly, though, I want Loki to know I’m not ashamed of him. I need to show him I’m not embarrassed about how I feel or what we do. I might not be ready to do that to the world, but I have to start somewhere.

As he walks past Loki slips his hand into mine and I grab his other arm to tug him off balance, holding him against me and kissing him soundly on the lips until our smiles force us to stop.

 

* * *

 

“I don’t know how you talked me in to this.”

“Honestly you were a little easy,” Loki says with a laugh. “I mentioned moonlight swim and you were sold.”

I expected the water to be freezing when we returned to the lake just before midnight, but the outside temperature has dropped just enough to match it so I feel like I’m stepping into a tepid bath. The inky sky holds our only light, a faint moon and a sea of stars, and I’m thankful everything is shrouded in darkness. Skinny dipping isn’t usually my style.

Loki on the other hand is already knee deep in the water and wading backwards with his arms out, making no attempt to cover his cock as it rest on his thigh. Having watched it grow as I stripped off and left my clothes on the bank I can’t help but keep one hand on mine as I twitches.

“Happy to see me, Pumpkin?” he says as his eyes flick down between my legs.

“Not as happy as you are to see me.”

Loki lies on top of the water and swims gracefully further away from the shore, his pale limbs almost luminous in the dark lake.

“Get in here,” he says, flicking his wet hair back and wringing a dribble from the ends. “It’s beautiful.”

Pushing the thought of what might be living on the bottom to the back of my mind I wade out until the water is at my waist and then swim out to the deeper water where Loki’s arms envelop me. His lips crash against mine and his hands spread over my back, cupping and squeezing my arse, tracing the crevice between my cheeks. After nibbling my bottom lip he licks along my jaw and down my neck, tugging roughly where my hair is fastened at the base of my skull to expose my throat.

“I thought we were here to cool off,” I whisper as his teeth graze my Adam’s apple.

“No harm in getting warmed up first.”

“Loki,” I groan, trying not to react to his hand roaming perilously close to my throbbing dick. “We can’t do this here.”

“It’s dark.”

His long fingers easily wrap around both of us together and I thrust up against his shaft into his hand. He covers my mouth with his and swallows my moans as he strokes us both together. Every movement is perfection, every touch of his thumb on my crown or his other hand on my arse pushes me further out of control.

“We should… we should go back…” I stutter breathlessly into his ear, kissing his neck as his grip tightens.

“Finish this up in the tent?”

I nod, but his finger presses against my hole and my head falls back, my eyes squeezing shut as he picks up his pace. “No... God, don’t stop.”  

A deep growl vibrates against my neck and I reach between us to fondle his heavy balls, my other hand fisted tight in his hair to hold his forehead against mine. When he starts to suck his breaths between his teeth I feel his cock pumping against mine, the first spasms of his climax rippling up from the base and tipping me over the edge. Warmth swirls against my stomach as thick heat spurts into the cool water, only slowing when he releases his grip.

Sloppy, breathless kisses turn to lingering tender ones as our breathing returns to normal.

“We should get back before they-”

“Send out a search party and find us naked in the lake?” I laugh.

“I was gonna say steal our clothes.”

When we crunch back into the campsite the conversation is still flowing like we never left and we slip seamlessly back in. I can’t keep my hands off Loki and I find myself constantly resting a hand on his leg or stroking his hand. It feels foreign but at the same time right and natural to be so affectionate in the open just like I would be with a woman at this stage.

And it puts a giddy smile on Loki’s face, one I never want to take away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Research notes for those interested:  
> 1\. : https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC3181836/ - suggesting norepinephrine, SSRIs, gabapentine, and phenytoin may stimulate hippocampal neurogenesis (nerve growth in the hippocampus) which is necessary for antidepressant response in PTSD.  
> 2\. : https://www.researchgate.net/publication/24201147_Selective_Erasure_of_a_Fear_Memory - study where specific neurons were destroyed in an attempt to erase a fear memory in mice, and it was successful. They were able to specifically identify the neurons and target them with diptheria without affecting any other brain function. This is absolutely fascinating to me, I legitimately thought I was writing complete science fiction here. An interesting read if you're into that kind of thing.  
> 3\. : https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/18173322 - deep brain stimulation promoting hippocampal neurogenesis in rodents.


	19. Exposure

**Loki**

The light from the fire dances over Bucky's chiseled features, the flicker of his lighter igniting his eyes as he lights a cigarette between his lips. Something is different about him today and I can't put my finger on it – he's trying harder to be comfortable about our relationship in front of the others, but there's something more than that. He seems genuinely more relaxed. When I think back to how uptight he was last time we were here I can scarcely believe it's the same man, I'm so thankful he's let me get close and get to know him. I can't ignore the questions he's been firing at me the last few days, though. Stark has put him up to it and I'm not sure why or how much he knows but I need to find a way to find out before he starts feeding Bucky his own screwed up version of the truth.

As the rest head off to bed his soulful eyes catch me watching him and he smiles, cocking his head. “What?”

“I just like looking at you. You like it our here, huh?”

“I do. It's so peaceful and isolated. I feel safe.”

“You don't feel safe at home?”

“I feel surrounded. Always looking over my shoulder, my entire existence followed by by cameras. You know what Stark is capable of, and he owns me. I don't regret accepting his offer but it wasn't without cost.”

He looks down at his hand, flexing and releasing it, touching the tip of each finger gently to his thumb.

“When does the contract run out?”

“Ten years.” He shakes himself off and raises his eyes to mine, reaching out to put his hand on my thigh. “I don't want to worry about it now. Much more pleasant things to focus on.”

He turns and kisses me hard, his metal hand caressing my cheek.

“You're getting good at being gentle with this,” I say, lacing my fingers into it.

“I've been practicing,” he says with a raised eyebrow.

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

I wake to find Bucky spread out beside me, not a stitch covering his muscled body. Gods he is magnificent like this, relaxed and vulnerable and bare. It's taken all this time for him to sleep in a position that wasn't fetal or on his stomach, and the significance hasn't escaped my notice. Much as I love waking up with his arms around me or draped over me, or with his head on my chest, by far my favourite is when he's all unreserved like this and I can observe and touch wherever I like without waking him.

It took little convincing for me to bring Sigyn on the trip even though I never would have before. She keeps my man safe in his sleep and during the day she's happy curled up in the sun outside the tent. Now she's stretched out long on his other side, purring sleepily as she squints up at me.

My gaze wanders from his feet up his legs and ridiculously thick thighs, over the pink cock resting on its nest of dark curls. Between my legs my own twitches to life, tingles racing up my spine and saliva collecting in my mouth at the sight of the soft velvet skin. He stirs and his abs flex in a mesmerising wave before settling again, his smooth chest rising and falling smoothly with deep breath. His flesh arm rests between him and Sigyn, the metal one relaxed just above his hip. The redness around his shoulder is slowly receding beneath the metal plates, his body accepting the foreign invasion and attempting to assimilate titanium into flesh and muscle. Remnants of his tattoo are jumbled and barely visible around the edges, stripes of red, white, and blue forming a sort of jagged star shape around the top of the joint. Rough stubble oozes like stippled bitumen from his jaw down his neck, scratchy and abrasive whenever he rubs against me, his plump lips parted ever so slightly to allow his breath through. If I'd known the sinful things he could do with those lips, with his tongue and hot mouth, I wouldn't have hesitated as long as I did. His hair is fanned out on the pillow, glossy like fresh licorice around his heart-shaped face.

A soft mumble of voices reaches us from outside and I assume Steve and Clint have been out jogging before everyone else emerges. Faint light is finding its way inside the tent, birds announcing the day's arrival from the trees surrounding the clearing. As I lie back down Bucky stirs and rolls over toward me, wrapping his arm around my waist and holding me flush against his hard body.

“What's the time?” he murmurs into my hair.

“Early. Go back to sleep.”

“Were you just watching me sleep?”

“I was definitely watching you, yes. You just happened to be sleeping. Naked. Spread on your back.”

“Pervert,” he chuckles.

“I can't help that you're so fucking pretty.”

When I think he's going back to sleep I feel his hand roaming over my body, exploring with the tips of his fingers while placing sucking kisses on my shoulder and neck. His erection grows and presses between my cheeks as he continues stroking and kissing me until I'm pushing back against him, palming my cock.

Bucky turns my head and kisses my mouth hungrily while he prepares me with one and then two fingers, scissoring inside and rubbing my prostate until precum leaks from me. Pushing me to my back he guides my legs up and out, positioning himself and entering me slowly. His face hovers over mine, dark hair swishing around him as he moves, and he watches our bodies join until his balls brush against me. He leans in and kisses me again, tenderly this time, and starts to rock in and out while holding my legs back.

As footsteps crunch toward us he doesn't let up but quiets his moans and holds back his heavy breath.

“Can I come in for snuggles?” Zara says cheerfully from the other side. I can already imagine she's in her shorty pajamas with fluffy boots, expecting our usual morning cuddles to warm her up.

“Um, not this time, sweet,” Bucky says with a wink.

“Unless you want to wait five minutes.”

“Ohhh... sorry. I assumed Bucky wasn't a morning person. My bad.”

As her footsteps disappear he stops and glares down at me. “Five minutes? What are you saying?”

“Nothing,” I laugh. “I just figured... morning quickie. I'm sure you can go all night if you want to.” The hurt look on his face only makes me laugh harder, and his thrusts do the same until he's slapping hard against me and I'm clawing at his back with one hand and jerking myself with the other.

“I will... show you just... oh, god... how long I can... can go... Fuck!... tonight.” His words are interjected with loud moans and grunts, his fingers digging painfully into my thighs.

My body starts to shake as I spurt between us onto my stomach, the force drawing Bucky's cum into me as he falls forward.

“Just you wait,” he says as he catches his breath and pulls out to lie beside me. “I just hope you've got the stamina to match me.”

The wiggle of his eyebrows sends me into more laughter. “I'm not laughing at you, I swear. You're just so fucking cute. I assure you I'm up to the challenge.”

If only I still had my strength and abilities, I could show him what real stamina was.

When we emerge Zara is doing the same from Nat and Clint's tent, followed by a disgruntled looking Clint, and she's exactly as I pictured. She and Nat exchange glances and then burst into giggles.

“Sorry, Zar. Tomorrow morning you can come in.”

“It's ok. Will he strangle me if I mention that we timed it and you were out in four?”

“He might, yeah.”

 

After breakfast we return to the lake for a swim. I'm sitting on the sand trying to maintain a conversation with Steve while Bucky frolics with Zara and the other girls in the water. I love nothing more than seeing him this happy and free, I'm already saddened at the idea of going home and having it dampened again.

“Whatever you're doing to him, keep doing it,” Steve says. “He's suffered a lot, he deserves a bit of fun.”

“I don't think it's anything I've done, it's being out here away from the city. Away from Stark perhaps.” He grunts in agreement and shakes his head. “What?”

“There's a reason Peggy and I don't talk about work. She thinks he has our apartment bugged, and she's probably right.”

“Couldn't you find out? Surely someone in your position could do something about it. If you can't, what hope do the rest of us have.”

“I'm CIA, Loki. Stark bugging his employees isn't really one of our primary interests. I'm not saying I haven't looked, but I know he has technology beyond what we've encountered. He wasn't too happy when she moved out of there, but there's no way I was moving in.”

“What exactly do you do?”

He chuckles. “I can't really tell you. Let's just say it's a division of the CIA and I'm sort of in a small group who do the job without the world knowing, if you get my drift.”

“So you're with Special Activities? Covert Ops?”

“I didn't say that,” he says before swigging his beer. “And I didn't think you'd know the name.”

“I like to read.” That's not entirely a lie. I do like to read – I also like to know who I'm up against if I should come up against it.

“Well, take away what you will. I do my job.”

I toss away the stick I've been toying with in my fingers. “Is Bucky safe there, do you think?” I ask quietly. “With all they're doing to him?”

“It's so hard to know without being in Tony's head. I mean, what they've done for him so far has been amazing, it's not like they're treating him badly. He's getting what he needs and it's working, right?”

“Mostly.”

“Be cautious, but I don't think he's in any danger. Tony just really likes close tabs on his investments.”

And that's what Bucky is for the next nine years. An investment.

When I look up to see what's blocking the sun I find Bucky dripping all over my legs. “You should come in, the water's beautiful.”

“I know,” I grin. “You're dripping it all over me. I'm not much for swimming, though. Who knows what's lurking on the bottom?”

He scoops me up and I find his arms clamped around me, making struggle a futile exercise.

“And we all know you came down here last night. We're trained to be observant, you fools.” Steve laughs.

Bucky turns an inhuman shade of beetroot and then he's off, running to the shore and into the water until his feet no longer find purchase and he has to release me.

“I told you they'd know,” he says with mock anger, slapping my chest.

“And I told you they wouldn't care.” I claim his mouth with a heated kiss that makes the others whistle, only breaking apart when his lips curl into a wide, embarrassed smile.

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

As soon as darkness has fallen Steve and Clint pull a crate from the back of the SUV and move it to the other side of the clearing, furthest away from the campsite. Nat rolls her eyes and approaches us, speaking quietly to Bucky on his other side and giving his shoulder a reassuring squeeze.

“What's going on?” I ask as she's walking away.

“Nothing,” he says with a tight smile. “She was just warning me about the fireworks.”

My hands ball into fists and I stand to go to Steve and Clint but Bucky takes my hand and pulls me down. “Don't go.”

They run back as the first sequence begins, only five smaller bursts with a few seconds between. Bucky's grip tightens on my fingers and the tension in his shoulders is obvious, his jaw set and grinding and his feet dancing nervously in the dirt. Once they've stopped I expect him to relax, but it's as though he can't turn it off.

“I'll be right back, ok? Can I get you anything?”

“The meds in the front of my backpack.”

I have to pass Clint on the way so I tap his shoulder harshly and gesture for him to follow me.

“What the fuck are you thinking?!” I round on him as soon as we're away from the others.

“Loki, calm down. We asked Bucky and he said it was ok.”

“Well it isn't. He isn't. And you should know better.”

I storm off into the tent and return to find Bucky trying to pretend he's fine. His face is dewy with sweat, his pupils wide with panic, his hands fidgeting with a bottle top. I open the bottle of pills and he taps two into his palm, tossing them back and washing them down with a mouthful of beer.

I'm not sure that's the recommended method but now isn't a good time to argue.

“I thought I could do it. I mean they're just fireworks, right?”

“They should never have put you in this situation.”

“I told them to. I said it was fine. I'm a grown fucking man, Loki.”

“Yes, but – “

“I have all of these strategies from Chris, and they work. I'm using them, I know they're only fireworks, I could tell you the chemical composition of each one and probably make them with my eyes closed. The bang doesn't make me jump, nor does the flash, but my brain just won't let go of the reaction.”

“There won't be any more.”

He laughs. “There's about ten times that over there, and I won't have them hold back on my account. Besides,” he looks up as another batch explode in the black sky from the other side of the woods, “Fourth of July only happens once a year. It's not like they have them just for the sake of it. It's a celebration and it's Steve's birthday.”

“It's all right for you to tell them you can't cope with them, they'll understand.”

“I'm not a child, Loki.”

“I know that, you're a man who's been through significant trauma and still suffers the psychological effects. I told them not to light any more.”

“Well you can go back and tell them to go ahead, I don't need anyone's pity.”

He stands and stalks off in the direction of our tent, leaving me feeling as confused as I do stupid.

I'm torn between giving him time to cool down and going after him immediately so I give it a few minutes and hope for the best. The tepid Bucky I find rifling through his backpack is certainly an improvement.

“Have you lost something?”

“I had earplugs. Military ones. I know I packed them but they're not here!” He throws another bottle of pills back into the bag so hard I expect it to shatter, covering his face with his hands.

“I'm sorry, baby.” I put both hands on his shoulders and press down firmly. “I only want to save you from feeling like this.”

“I know,” he croaks. “And you can't.”

“You want to go back to the lake for a bit? I can even take you home if you want.”

“No,” he shakes his head. “I want to go out there and enjoy it like everyone else. Just stay with me?”

“Of course.”

When we rejoin the others he sits beside Zara on a blanket, I pull up a log intended for firewood and sit behind, flush with his back and my legs on either side. He leans his head back to look up at me and mouths 'thank you', taking my hand and kissing the palm softly before resting his head on my arm.

Eventually they ignite another string only this time we're both prepared and I hold on tight with my legs while he buries his face in my arm and clutches our intertwined fingers together. By the time the fifth lot is nearing its end he's tentatively looking up at the coloured explosions painting the black sky, still crushing my fingers and jammed firmly between my thighs but appreciating a tiny portion of the celebration. With my other hand I stroke the hair back from his forehead, watching the pyrotechnics reflected in his dark eyes. He smiles up at me and although it's only small it's enough for me to know he's coping, he'll get through.

It's long after midnight before we think about retiring to the tent, fireworks are still going off in the distance and I when he looks up at me now he's fraying around the edges, his voice thick and tired, his hands trembling with adrenaline. He insists on waiting until Steve and Peggy have gone to bed, not wanting to be the first to retreat, and lets me hold him tight in the privacy of our tent while he slows his breath and calms his mind.

I only wish I could help more than just wrapping my arms around him and whispering pretty lies in his ear./

 


	20. Google is your friend

## Bucky

Loki will never know how safe I feel in his embrace; there's simply no way for me to let him experience it. Sigyn has all but cured my violent nightmares, at least the part where I lash out. The images still happen but she stops me before I get physical so at least now they're benign in their terror. I knew tonight would be bad, I always sleep terribly when I've been wound up over something, so the second time I wake up and Loki is spread beside me I head out for some fresh air.  
“Bucky? You all right?” Although her voice is soft I just about launch right out of my skin.  
“Fuck, Zara. You scared the shit out of me.”  
“Sorry,” she says with a smile. “What's wrong?”  
“Just couldn't sleep. Thought I'd sit outside for a bit and look up at the stars.”  
“There's still fireworks going off occasionally but they're pretty far away.”  
“Thanks, doll. I'm ok with that. What are you doing up?”  
“Same, couldn't sleep.”  
“Go get in with Loki for a bit, he gives good snuggle.”  
“Nah, he's all yours. You two are so lovely, by the way. You give me warm fuzzies.”  
“He's really something.”  
“Don't you forget what you've done for him, Bucky. You've grounded him, settled him. He was so restless before, always looking for the next thing. And you deserve all the good he's done for you.”  
“I hope so.”  
I lie back on the blanket and she rests her head in the crook of my shoulder, draping half her body over me. The first hint of morning is slowly stealing away the stars when I carry her to bed and tuck her in before returning to our tent and cuddling Loki against me.

The next thing I know I hear birds and gentle kisses are being planted all over my chest.   
“Good morning,” Loki says.   
“Mmmmm. It sure is. No one does a wake up call like my man.”  
“Everyone else has gone to do some kayaking and fishing,” he says between nips at my neck. “But I thought we could have some alone time since you didn't sleep well.”  
“Sorry, did I keep you awake?”  
“No, I knew you were restless that's all. And Zara told me you were up.”  
“Either way, alone time sounds perfect.”  
Loki makes his way up my throat to my cheek and tangles a hand in my hair before kissing me hard, my hand sliding behind his neck to pull him down harder. As he relaxes into me I flip us both over, laying my body over him to deepen the kiss and trace a finger down his neck. When I pull back his deep blue eyes burn into me, his cheeks rosy with arousal and his lips swollen and red.   
“Damn you're beautiful.”  
I take my time to touch every inch of his smooth skin with my lips and tongue, his gasps and whimpers like music to my ears as I re-discover his body. Every inch that is, except for a number of delicious pink ones that grow and twitch with every kiss, begging to be taken into something warm and wet. I want so badly to take him in my mouth and suck him dry, to taste his salty cum on the back of my tongue as it warms my belly. His eyes plead with me but I refuse to be swayed, instead sitting cross-legged between his spread thighs and ghosting my fingers up the insides.  
“Hands above your head, Kitten.”  
Loki's eyes widen as he complies, my grin reflected on his lips. My hands run more firmly up from his knees, leaving red streaks in their wake and parting his cheeks to seek out their destination, massaging around his hole with a lubed finger. His gravelly moans break the silence as I slip one and then two fingers inside, parting his smooth walls and finding the sweet spot that makes his hips buck against my hand. My erection throbs between my folded legs, desperate to be buried inside him, but I ignore it and push the urge down. This isn't about me, not yet at least.  
While my flesh fingers are circling and fluttering against his prostate my metal hand strokes gently over his thighs and caresses his sack, deliberately avoiding his cock bobbing against his stomach. Sweat beads on his brow, furrowed with agonising anticipation as his entire body begs wordlessly for release. His pink nipples strain upward, lungs sucking hard breaths that expose his ribs and ripple his abs beneath his skin, his long fingers curled tight around the top of the pillow until his knuckles turn white. A ragged breath catches in his throat and his entire body turns rigid, his inner muscles pushing against me as the firm pressure of my fingertips throws him over the edge, and then he's overcome with waves of spasming bliss. Intense contractions squeeze my fingers and raise his chest almost off the bed, his cock dribbling clear precum onto his stomach, primal groans and grunts tear from his throat. I never let up on that magic spot, beckoning it more gently to bring him through the first orgasm and increasing my efforts before he can recover.  
“Bucky,” he says breathlessly. “Need your cock. Fuck me.”  
“Give me one more and it's all yours.”  
He shakes his head, his eyes still jammed shut. “I don't think I can.”  
“Oh, but I do.”  
Minutes later he's crying out as a second orgasm slams his lithe body even harder than the first, leaving him gasping for breath as I line up my cock with his still spasming puckered hole. His eyes are stormy, the lids heavy with arousal as he stares up at me. I press my open lips against his and our tongues glide together lazily while his hands explore my back and shoulders, sliding down to tug on my waist and pull me in. My resolve breaks and I fill him mercilessly, rocking back and forth, in and out, without breaking the kiss. There are few things I love more than the intimate moment when I first enter his warmth, his smoothness engulfing me and his muscles gripping me as though we were made to fit together.   
Once our lips have parted I sit back on my heels and guide the head of my cock to the sweet spot, smiling when Loki moans and squints his eyes closed. A third orgasm comes easily with fast shallow thrusts, and then I hover over him again to kiss his lips while making love to him slowly, my hand closing around the base of his oozing cock and taking joy in his wanton whimpers as I stroke him in time with my slow deep pushes.   
I feel him pulsing around me before his breath changes, the hitch that always lets me know when he's about to come. He thrusts wildly up into my hand and the first spurts of seed fire up onto his stomach as he squeezes me from the inside. Unable to wait any longer I slip out and jerk my purple head in my hand, coating his cock and balls in thick hot cum while his own continues to erupt all over his beautiful torso.   
In the euphoric afterglow I take a few moments to drink him in; his pale body lying utterly wrecked before me, covered in our mixed fluids with still more drips falling from the end of is flaccid shaft, rosy and flushed all over and sucking in long deep breaths.  
Without words I collapse down beside him, on my stomach with an arm draped tenderly over his chest. Outside there are bird calls and the rustle of breeze through the trees but we lie in shared silence for what feels like an age. I feel completely safe and at ease here, like we truly are alone without anyone watching or able to track our activities. This is the only time we'll have complete solitude together and I intend to make the most of it.  
“I don't know where you learned that,” he says finally. “But... fuck.”  
“There's this thing called the internet,” I say with a sheepish laugh. “A little bit of helpful advice in among the things that can never be unseen.” I shudder.  
Loki nuzzles against my face with a throaty chuckle. “Best boyfriend ever.”  
“I'm your boyfriend now?”  
“You're mine, Bucky. Get used to it.”  
I think I could.

The stifling air in the tent feels like breathing in cotton wool, I roll over looking for Loki and find the bed empty, groaning at my stiff muscles as I pull on a pair of shorts on the way out the door.   
He's difficult to miss, standing under a tree with our makeshift shower he looks like a sort of wood sprite just going about his regular routine, naked in the elements. Sensing my approach he turns and beckons me with a crooked finger and I slip out of my pants to let him wash me with the tepid stream of sun-warmed water. Along with it go the last threads of tension and I feel I could just fall limp into his arms and stay there for the next month. He takes the elastic from my hair and massages my scalp as the water flows through the lengths, making every inch of my body tingle  
When he shuts off the water he pulls me into an open mouthed kiss, all lazy lips and slow tongues. Long fingers comb through my dripping hair, squeezing cool water down my back and groans from my throat, while I hold his waist flush with mine and feel erections stir between us.   
“Wait right here,” he says when our lips part. Curious as I am I obey and let my eyes follow him back to the tent, returning a minute later with my huge beach towel. When I expect him to dry either me or himself with it he instead spreads it on the grass beneath the other side of the tree and leads me to it by my fingertips. “Lie down.”  
Intrigued, I comply and lie back, letting him guide my legs apart so he can rest between them and claim my mouth again. This time is harder but unhurried, his hands gliding over my arm and chest, raking my hair back from my forehead. Loki pulls back and leans on his elbows, his face inches from mine and his icy blue eyes twinkling in the filtered sunlight.   
“I love you, Bucky,” he says softly, bending to nibble and kiss behind my ear.   
“I love you, too.” I gasp as he moves down my throat, nipping with his teeth and sucking gently at my skin, leaving a trail of round red marks to my chest. He takes one nipple in his warm mouth, swirling his tongue around and blowing cool air over it until it stands painfully erect, the other hand pinching and flicking on the other side. I grind my hips upward, feeling my shaft glide easily against his between our writhing wet bodies.   
Loki sits back for a moment and covers us both in lube, resuming his positing and swirling his hips over me so we're rubbing together while our hands explore. Given I've always been the one doing the fucking it's nice to be on the bottom and feel his weight spread over my body. I'm just about fit to burst when he rolls us both to the side and hoists my thigh over his waist, stroking down my shaft with a firm fist and separating my balls with his fingers. Without breaking the kiss he spreads the lube from my balls back between my cheeks, his finger circling and teasing gently around my hole. Abruptly he pushes it inside, giving me a few seconds to relax before moving it in and out, rubbing it over my prostate.   
My head falls back and I moan into the trees above, still unsure whether I enjoy the sensation of his fingers in me or just the intimacy and mutual trust involved. Not that it matters now, not when he's applying more lube and adding a second finger, pushing so deep his fist is against my cheeks and his thumb massaging my balls.   
I let out a whimper and Loki holds my chin gently between his thumb and fingers, tilting my face up to kiss me while he slowly pushes and pulls with his fingers. It feels like an age has passed when he pushes me onto my back, I barely noticed him adding a third finger and stretching me wider than ever before, or the way he continually added more lube to me just as he does now to his cock. In my haze of arousal I only realise when he rubs the tip of his dick around my pucker that he's finally going to let me have it.   
A smile splits my face and he pushes my legs back for me to hold, exposing me completely to the outdoor air, and to him. I watch him lick his lips as he lines himself up, the concentration as he guides his cock into the ring of muscle, and then all I can focus on is the sensation of him stretching me so wide with his girth, the burn of his crown pushing past my defences.  
“Just breathe, baby,” he says, leaning down to stroke my cheek and kiss my lips. “I'll go slow.”  
Loki waits out a few deep breaths, pushing when I exhale and waiting a few more for me to adjust. To begin with his thrusts are shallow while I try to push the discomfort of his size from my mind, focus on the pleasure of having him inside and filling me. Pants soon turn to soft moans and only then he fills me further, pulling almost all the way back to glide deeper each time. I'm overwhelmed by emotion when he's fully seated and I feel his balls brush against me as he closes his lips over mine.  
With leaves and tiny flowers falling around us as the breeze sings through the branches above he makes love to me delicately as if I might break, always with his lips in contact with my skin, his ear angled to capture ever mewl and sigh, his eyes searching mine for buried discomfort. His thrusts are drawn out like the ebb and flow of the ocean on the shore, and he guides my hand down to stroke my cock as it leaks precum between us.  
Loki's forehead rests on mine, the strain of holding back evident in his crinkled eyes. His movements become subtly more rough and eager, barely controlled, and I jerk faster over my cock until my moans must echo around the clearning to herald my impending orgasm.   
“Come for me,” he grunts through gritted teeth. “Come on, Bucky. Give it all to me.”  
As the first ribbons of cum unfurl from me I feel the spread of warmth as Loki spills into me. I feel the usual tingling and build up, the release when I let go, but I also feel my insides gripping him and pulling him deeper, milking his cum inside. There are no words to describe the way he treats me, just as there are none to describe how I feel about him. Love just doesn't seem strong enough.   
After another shower we sprawl out again in the open air, only gathering ourselves and dashing back to get dressed when the others return triumphant with fresh fish. I haven't felt this relaxed and peaceful since I can remember, I'm beginning to wonder if we could just run off to the wilderness for the rest of our lives.

 


	21. Teeth of the past

## Loki

After endless days of heatwave the spell is finally broken by torrential rain, so heavy that a small puddle is beginning to form beneath the door of the shop. I'm convinced I should just call it a day despite only just finishing lunch, surely no one will be out and about looking for books in this weather.   
Given that would involve walking home in the downpour I decide instead to sit with a cup of tea and a book while Sigyn drapes herself across my shoulders and starts chewing on a lock of my hair.   
“What are you doing? Stop that!”  
“Mrow.” She sighs and lays her head down, proceeding to lick my ear a moment later.  
“Oh for the love of... what is the matter?”  
She leaps down onto the desk, planting her bottom right in the middle of my book and looking at me expectantly with her bright green eyes.   
“Did I forget to feed you? You're not bloody starved for affection, that's for sure. Are you bored, darling?”  
I'm conversing with a cat, and half expecting her to answer.   
She arches her back up and waits for me to smooth a hand over it before diving elegantly onto the floor and slinking away between the shelves. The rain is relentless in its soaking of the city and when I stop for a second cup of tea I'm sure I haven't seen a single soul in more than an hour. Sigyn is still behaving strangely, a little like she does when Bucky is on edge or having a nightmare, my assumption is that we're in for some rough weather and she can sense it.  
The door opens so abruptly I spill hot tea onto my thigh , hissing as it burns the delicate skin. The sting is instantly forgotten when I look up and see the hulking mountain of a man closing the door. He appears as strong as ever, broad muscled shoulders bulging beneath his t-shirt, blond hair fastened in a rough ponytail, piercing blue eyes searching the shadows of the shelves before he sees me standing behind the desk.   
“Afternoon,” he booms. “I wonder if you might help me with some directions?”  
“Thor.” His name slips from my lips in a low whisper before I can bite it back.   
“Sorry, have we met? I'm afraid I'm not good with faces.”  
“No, you just remind me of someone.” I attempt to gather my composure. “Where are you headed?”  
“Stark tower.” Thunder rumbles dramatically in the distance and I'm so convinced I must be dreaming that a chuckle escapes my throat. I lead him to the window and point out the top of the building rising above the others.   
“Right,” he says, looking slightly embarrassed. “I've never been to New York before, I didn't realise it was so obvious.”  
“He likes to be obvious.”  
“Yes, he does. Thank you.”  
I slump back down in the chair as soon as the door closes, rubbing at my burning leg. I wish I believed in coincidences because it would be a comforting explanation about now.

  
  


Thunder cracks the atmosphere in two, the building rumbling beneath us in the aftermath. Sigyn leaps onto Bucky's lap and curls up in the space between his crossed legs.   
“Thunder doesn't worry you?” I ask, rubbing a circle in his palm.  
“It does when I'm not medicated. I spoke to Chris after the fireworks and he increased the dose and made them a daily thing. I'm so chilled out at the moment a bomb probably wouldn't faze me.”  
The change in his mood hadn't escaped me. When we returned from camping a few weeks ago the crash in his mental state was gut wrenching; he was fearful as a caged animal and convinced that Stark was watching his every move even behind closed doors. He's slowly moving on from the setback though, I'm seeing glimpses of the Bucky I fell even further in love with on those few days of paradise and whilst I don't entirely agree with him being drugged up to the eyeballs to get through the days without the constant undercurrent of anxiety I don't have any other solution.  
Stark does, but I like his idea even less.   
“Mm. Good.”  
“Are you bothered by it? You're really jumpy tonight. And quiet.”  
Truthfully every time I hear thunder I still expect Thor to appear. “I'm fine. Tired I guess.”  
“All night fucking should be reserved for weekends in future, I think.”  
“Yeah,” I chuckle, recalling the endless sex of the previous night. “Maybe. Are you spending the night?”  
He shakes his head. “I can't. I have an early appointment with Jamie. You can come stay with me if you like.”  
“I can't, Pumpkin.”  
Nat still thinks we need to cool it for a bit and just last week my presence in the tower was being spoken about even though I haven't been there in almost a month. Truthfully I don't want to quietly back down at all and I'm not one to run from a fight, but I know Bucky could get hurt.   
Just like Thor.  
So I kiss him goodnight and stare at the ceiling, wondering what business Thor has with Stark, how long he's in New York, and how I can find out. It's too risky to ask Nat, I'm not sure she'd know and it would only raise more questions. It rips me apart that he didn't know me, didn't show one shred of recognition toward his own brother, deep down I'd hoped the effect would wear off over time. I have to know what he's doing here, I need someone with connections who is as paranoid about Stark's activities as I am, who won't rat me out to Nat or Bucky for poking around.

When I open the shop door the following morning it's to the other hulking blond man in my life. “Thanks for meeting me, Steve.”  
“No problem, what's up?”  
“I'm wondering why Stark would be meeting with a UN security guy. Is that suspicious?”  
“Could be. Can I ask how you stumbled upon this information?”  
“Guy literally walked into my shop looking for Stark tower yesterday afternoon.”  
“And he told you he works for the UN?”  
Shit.   
“I saw his ID, he dropped his wallet.”  
“You see his name?”  
“Thor. Thor Odinson.”  
“Wow. Not like there's going to be two of those come up. I can look into it a bit this afternoon, can't promise anything, though.”  
“I just feel like Stark is up to something, y'know?”  
“He's always up to something.” Steve chuckles. “I'll see what I can find out.”  
My mind isn't eased any when Bucky comes to see me that night. He's paranoid again, looking out the window like he expects to find someone with a zoom lens trained on his lips, and he has news.  
“Jamie will be ready to do the surgery within the next month. They're getting a neurosurgeon in who's done it before.”  
“I'm... I can't think of anything sincere to say. I want to support you but I think it's a mistake.”  
He sits next to me and turns his body toward mine. “Kitten, I know you're worried but this is going to be amazing for me. No more nightmares, no more worrying that I'm being watched all the time, no more anxiety, no more panic attacks. We'll be able to do regular stuff without me freaking out.”  
“Did it ever occur to you that all of that makes up who you are, that I love you because you deal with all of that?”  
He's silent for a minute, pinching the bridge of his nose like he's searching his brain for the right words.   
“Don't take this the wrong way, but this isn't about you and whether you love me. It's about me having to work through all of that every fucking day and being tired of it.”  
“You could end up a vegetable, you know. I'd still love you but you wouldn't hear me say it. I'd still kiss you but you wouldn't kiss me back. You wouldn't love me.”  
“I won't, actually. One of the conditions is that if it goes wrong they'll let me go and study my brain.”  
This isn't about me, I get that. I know just going through the motions is more than he can handle on some days and he's been dealing with it long before I came along. But I'll be fucked if I can't get a little riled up over him not listening to my concerns.  
“I think he's telling you what you want to hear and you're refusing to hear the other side. The research that says this makes a marginal difference in a very small number of severely affected patients and the rest end up with a mild impairment at best.”  
“Not every shred of available evidence is on the internet.”  
“He's not telling you the whole truth, Bucky.”  
“You think I don't know the risks?” he yells, standing and raking long fingers through his hair. “Of course I do! I'm not an idiot, Loki. I'm taking the chance because it's worth it, if this works we could have a normal life. I could have a normal life.”  
“But if it fails we'll have nothing. I know you're desperate but I'm begging you to just wait a bit longer until they've perfected the procedure.”  
“I can't,” he says softly. “That isn't an option.”  
“What do you mean?”  
“I mean I spoke to Mr Stark again today, and – “  
A knock on the door cuts him off, before I can get to it another series of urgent knocks hurries my steps. Nat is on the other side, her brows knitted between her eyes and her lips pressed into an almost invisible line.   
“Need to talk to you,” she says with clipped words as she pushes past. Bucky seems to have taken the opportunity to head outside for a cigarette, he's nowhere to be seen.  
“Met your brother today – he's never heard of you. Stark is talking about weapons of mass destruction and protecting ourselves from species and worlds I've never heard of, so we're gonna sit down and you're gonna explain what the fuck is going on.”  
“How should I know?” What I really want to ask is 'how the fuck does Stark know, or Thor for that matter', but I'm trying to keep a cool exterior while my insides turn to lava. “What makes you think he was my brother?”  
“C'mon, Loki. There aren't that many Thor Odinson's who work for UN security. Why did he deny knowing you?”  
“Perhaps he was dropped on his head as a child.”  
I should know better, I do know better. I can't talk my way around Nat and her bullshit meter is a million times faster than my bullshit apparatus. Before I can blink she has me up against the wall with a hand around my throat.  
“Don't fuck with me, Loki. The truth. Now. You can trust me, you've always known that.”  
“Fine.” She releases me and pours herself a glass of wine from the bench while she waits for me to start talking. “You're going to need an open mind. Open enough for your brain to fall out.”  
“The weird shit I've heard today--”  
“It's true. All of it. There are other realms than this one. Eight others. Thor and I came from one called Asgard. After an argument with my father he sent us both here and took away our abilities, then he put Thor's mind through a blender so he didn't remember anything about himself or his previous life. I saw him yesterday, there was no recognition whatsoever.”  
My voice is calm like I'm simply retelling someone else's unbelievable story, barely giving away a shred of the turmoil that makes me want to be sick.  
“You told me your father was dead.”  
“He might as well be. I only got to keep my memory as punishment so I'd know what I was missing.”  
“And your mother?”  
“Evidently still following his orders, or we wouldn't be here. Odin knew we'd find a way back, that's why he messed with Thor's memory. I researched for years before I gave up and decided to just be happy here, be my own man without the hassle of Odin's hypocritical double standards and Thor's shadow.”  
She nods slowly and appears to be taking all of this with commendable insouciance, except that her pupils are so wide her eyes appear black and her teeth are worrying the inside of her lip so furiously she must have struck blood by now.  
“Tony knows. Would he have got all of this from Thor?”  
“I honestly have no idea, but I'm certain he didn't recognise me. The way Stark's been asking about me makes me wonder, though. Perhaps one of his ace scientists have figured it out. Do you know who initiated Thor's visit?”  
“Tony, I think. People don't generally arrive unannounced. He more or less summons them.”  
“Why not pick him up and transport him, though? If he knows who Thor is he knows his value. Why leave it to chance and allow him to get lost...” I trail off when I spy Bucky's reflection in the glass cabinet, his stance telling me all I need to know before I even turn to look; he's heard enough to run. “Bucky, wait. Please let me explain.”  
“Pretty sure I've heard enough.”  
“It's complicated, I couldn't tell you.”  
“No. Course not. You could let me pour out my fears and see my absolute worst but you couldn't trust me with the truth.”  
“That's not the reason. If you knew all of this in the beginning, if you knew who I used to be and what I'd done in that life, you wouldn't have let me in. You wouldn't have fallen in love with me,” I whisper.   
“Maybe that's true, but now I'm in love with a man who doesn't exist.”  
“Bucky, don't go,” Nat says gently. “We can talk about it together.”  
“Did you know?” he asks her as though I'm not in the room.  
“No.”  
“Good to know I'm not the only one who got played.”  
With his backpack slung over his shoulder he lets the door slam behind him and when I make for the door a small but rather powerful redhead is blocking my way.  
“Natasha,” I warn. “I need to go after him.”  
“Let him cool down, I'll check on him when I leave here. I don't think Thor running into you was an accident. What if Tony orchestrated it to see if Thor would remember you, see if he was genuine about not remembering or just biding his time and waiting to attack from within the UN.”  
“For the record, we never had any interest in attacking Midgard. Humans are rarely worth the effort.”  
“So you knew all about us?”  
“We know enough. You're insignificant compared to realms inhabited by giants.” She's looking like she's about to spit in my face and then slice me into pieces in an effort to dispute my point. “To Asgard, I mean. Not to me personally. We weren't planning on invading or attacking anyone but Jotunheim. And they started it.”  
She rolls her eyes and mutters something about little boys under her breath. “Is there perhaps some kind of big bad that would be interested in us? Or a little bad since we're so _insignificant_.”  
“Take your pick, really.” I keep glancing up to the door, hoping he'll tear back through it and let me explain. “How do I explain this to him, Nat? Where do I even start?”  
“I wish I had the answer to that, I guess you just have to tell him what you told me. He's hurt because you lied to him.”  
“If I'd told him the truth he'd have thought I was loopy.”  
“That's true. So what did you do to piss off dear old dad?”  
I sigh. “We started a war with Jotunheim. Got a few thousand people killed.”  
“I thought you said they started it?”  
“Well they infiltrated our vault during Thor's coronation. I knew they'd fail, which is why I helped, I only wanted to cause some chaos and prove he wasn't ready.” She eyes me like a child trying to blame the spilled milk on the cat. “Anyway. What do we do?”  
“I'll let you know how much Tony tells me, should give me a good idea of how much he knows. I wanted to speak to Bucky as well, I don't think he realises the extent of Tony's plans for him.”  
“And what is that exactly?”  
“He wants to turn him into a demo model of the ultimate super soldier, compare the state he was in when he came home to how indestructible he'll be when they're done with him – mentally and physically.”  
“Should I be worried?”  
“If it were Clint I would be.”  
“Fucking fantastic.”  
She stands and squeezes my shoulder. “I'll check in on him on the way, ok?'  
I nod. I thought if ever I had to tell the whole sorry story I'd feel a weight had been lifted from me, but now I just feel like the entire nine realms are pressing on my shoulders.  
  
  


“I'm sorry,” Zara says a week later. “I tried, Loki. He won't see you.”  
I sigh into my coffee and toy with a sugar packet between my fingers. The ordinarily comforting hum of people in our regular cafe is nothing more than an irritation today and I'm wishing we'd met somewhere more private. So far all Nat and Steve can come up with is that Thor is a guest of Tony's and as far as Nat can tell he's still in New York. We still don't know why or how much Tony knows about either of us but he's spoken with Nat of his desire to be prepared for alien attack and has had scientists researching space anomalies for some time. She's currently attempting to steal some of the data but even with her ability to cover her own tracks it's risky and I can see the fear in her eyes when we speak of Stark finding out ; she's afraid she'll lose much more than just her job. What I wouldn't give to have my powers back just for a while.  
“How is he?”  
“He's as ok as you'd expect. His surgery has been scheduled and they're going to correct his hearing as well so he's at least optimistic about that...”  
She trails off and I follow her gaze over my shoulder, turning to find an unusually tall woman sitting in the corner. Red-gold hair flows over her shoulders and disappears out of sight beneath the table, long fingers stirring at a tea cup. Her striking green eyes seem to illuminate in the dim light, reminding me a little of Sigyn's at night, and her lips are curled at each end as though she knows some salacious secret the rest of the world doesn't.   
I groan and turn back around and the hair rises on the back of my neck.   
“Would you stop staring?”I hiss across the table.   
“Sorry, she's just... wow. Stunning.”  
“Careful, she'll open her mouth and suddenly you'll be eating pussy instead of cock.”  
“Loki!”  
“Ssh! That woman is nothing but trouble and I do not need you drawing her attention.”  
“You know her?” she says incredulously.  
“Much to my misfortune, yes. Let's just say she's a former lover and leave it at that.”  
“There is no way we're leaving it at that, but I'll drop it for now.”  
“Good, because I need a way to get to Bucky.”  
“I can't force him to see you, Loki. I don't know what exactly you lied about but it must be pretty out there.”  
“You can say that again. I'm only keeping it from you now because it's safer. Once it's all resolved I promise to come clean with everyone.”  
“I trust you. I'm not in love with you like he is, though. He's hurt and he misses you but he has a severe lack of people he believes in.”  
“You've got to get him to talk to me, Zara. Please.”  
“I'll try, that's all I can do.” She reaches across the table and takes my hand, squeezing her tiny fingers around mine. “You want to get out of here?”  
“How about I walk you home.”  
I stand and turn, only to find the woman also standing, her chartreuse eyes staring right at me.   
“Loki, how lovely to see you. How the mighty have fallen, hm?”  
I hope she doesn't mistake my snarl for a smile. “Lorelei.”  
“Goodness this one is gorgeous, isn't she?” she says with a gesture toward Zara. “A little waif for my taste, how do you avoid breaking her?”  
“I don't know what you're doing here but you need to slither back where you came from. Whatever mayhem you're planning, take it elsewhere.”  
“No need to be like that, lover. I'm sure we can work things out.”  
“No, we can not.”  
I take Zara's hand a little rougher than I intend and barely avoid dragging her out onto the street, not before that sickly voice reaches my ears one last time.   
“Your brother will be so excited that we've reunited, he wasn't thrilled to hear you'd been batting for the other team.”  
  
  


“Who is she?” Nat demands later that day.   
“She's an Asgardian sorceress, preys on men. Not what you'd call a big bad but she's certainly capable of some nasty damage. She said she's already spoken to Thor, although I don't know if that's true, and she mentioned Bucky. Maybe she has Tony under her influence, or she's warning him about an impending attack. I don't know.”  
“I think we need to set you up in front of Thor and see if he reacts. If he doesn't, then she's bluffing. I'll check and see if she's been inside the Tower, that should tell us if Stark is under her control. How much of a threat is she?”  
“She won't be bent on world domination without some sort of army, but you can't assume she hasn't convinced someone to give her an army. Difficult to know until we find out what she wants.”  
“The easiest way to do that would be for you to ask her.”  
“Do I have to?” I whine. The thought of being in the same room makes me squeamish, never mind having to speak to her and be cordial. Not only that, she got me under her spell when I was at full capability, so now that I basically have a human mind who knows how it might end up? Nat is frowning at me like I'm a disobedient puppy again. “Oh, fine. I don't know where I'm supposed to find her.”

The night is warm enough that I fall asleep without covers but when I wake in the early hours it has cooled significantly and I reach down for the duvet, pulling it over both of us and snuggling into the warm body beside me.   
“I missed you,” I murmur against Bucky's shoulder. “Please don't leave again.”  
“Not planning on it, lover,” a female voice responds.  
Even in my dozy state I'm not surprised, Lorelei and I have been here before. It's just deja fucking hell all over again.   
“Get out of my bed.”  
“Don't be like that, now. How about we just stay and do what comes naturally?”  
“Lorelei, return my shorts. We need to talk.”  
“Ugh, fine. I remember you being much more fun last time we met.”  
“Only because I was under your thrall. I'd never do any of that voluntarily.”  
She heaves a sigh and returns my clothing before I sit up, refusing to look at her after the first glance gets me an eyeful of bare breasts.   
“Why are you here?”  
“Because I missed you.”  
“No. I mean here on Midgard.”  
“Because I missed Thor. Since I heard what happened I've been heartbroken, trying to find a way to get him back. No one would help me, Loki. No one.” She sounds so forlorn I almost feel sorry for her. Almost.  
“Someone must have, you wouldn't come alone.”  
“I came with an offer. The Tesseract is here somewhere and Stark has the resources to locate it.”  
I scoff. “He wouldn't know what it was.”  
“He doesn't need to. If I return that to Odin he will free you both, you can come back to Asgard with a full pardon.”  
“Surely you don't expect he'll just hand it over. If he gets his hands on it he'll want to use it for himself.”  
“In return I give him what he needs to be protected from other realms. A bit of technology and more information than his little human mind could ever hope to process.”  
“He can't possibly protect Midgard from gods and giants. It's madness.”  
“He doesn't need to know that he doesn't stand a chance, he'll be so far under my thrall he'll do anything I say.”  
“Oh, thank the gods.” I slap my chest dramatically. “For a moment there I thought you'd actually changed.”  
“I can get you back, Loki. No questions asked.”  
“Does it occur to you that I don't want to go back?”  
“No. Whatever you think is tying you here you'll change your mind when Thor returns and you realise what you're missing.”  
“What do you want from me?”  
“You've had more success weilding the Tesseract than anyone and you have the most knowledge of its power. I can't just waltz in there and say we're looking for a shiny blue stone. I'm certain your connection will help us to find and retrieve it. We only need do that part for Odin to restore your abilities.”  
“I'll think about it. Now get out. I'm tired.”

As if I was going back to sleep after that. By the time I give up and get out of bed I'm fuming, my hands shaking with anger as I pour myself a coffee and ponder what Lorelei said. Every word that vomits from that mouth of hers needs it's own grain of salt, she bends the truth more often than I ever did and without any of the finesse. She weaves so many lies its a small wonder she doesn't hang herself.  
The Tesseract doesn't belong here. Returning it to Asgard – even with her ulterior motives – is a worthy mission. I refuse to work with that woman, however right or true of intent she may be, she makes my skin crawl. I loved her once, only to find out I had simply fallen under her spell and my feelings were a lie, that she was using me to get to Thor. I always hoped one day I'd have the chance to exact my revenge and put her through the same agony, but now I find all I want is the quiet life I have. And Bucky. I need Bucky back.

 


	22. Release Me

## Bucky

He lied to me. I'm in love with a lie. None of it was real.  
I blow smoke out through my pursed lips, throwing back a mouthful of rum from the bottle before filling my lungs with the toxic haze once more. Drinking to numb the pain makes me a walking cliché and I'm way past too drunk to care. Nat and Zara have been and gone repeatedly, attempting to convince me that his deception was somehow justified, that I should let him apologise and explain. Neither seems able to tell me what could possibly make it ok to lie all this time, though. I trusted him with the secrets I'd buried the deepest, so deep I thought them dead, and he let me believe he was just a man from London.

As soon as I collapse on my pillow the anger dissipates and I wish he was here in my bed. Sigyn still visits every night, rousing me from the nightmares that knit together like a mosaic joining night to day. As though unwilling to further betray her owner she's always gone before morning and some nights when I'm certain I can smell him in my bed I find it's his scent lingering on her fur. I'm sure that never happened before, I wonder if she's deliberately bathing in his cologne to try to draw me back.

I'm regretting the amount I drank last night when Tony wanders in to my office and closes the door behind him.   
“I know you've had some personal setbacks,” he says, sitting down opposite me before I can stand and pull out the chair. “And I think now is the perfect time to go head on into your new role. You're going to be the first in a long line of super soldiers. When you were discharged you meant absolutely nothing to our military, they released you easily to me so they could wash their hands of you and as far as they were concerned you were useless. Missing an arm, permanent hearing loss, PTSD... you were done, no way in hell you'd be going back to the front line, correct?”  
I nod.  
“I'm returning you to them as a sort of prototype, showing them that not only did we fix every problem, we made you better than before. Better than human. Now, you won't be going back to fight, don't worry about that. Look at this from their point of view – no more medical discharges. With the technology we used to build your new arm we can do anything. We can not only cure the PTSD but we can prevent it happening in the first place. And your hearing will be better than ever, literally.”  
“Wow.”  
“I've asked Jamie to begin prepping you tomorrow, we need to do some more mapping on your brain and tests on your auditory system before we go ahead next week. He's going to give you some additional medications that will accelerate your recovery and you'll probably find your workouts yield twice the result as a pleasant side effect. Any questions?”  
“Uh...” My brain is utterly overwhelmed. It's actually happening. He's going to make it all go away and I can live again.  
“There are some conditions, in addition to those you already signed off on. The man you were involved with... Loki?” he waits for me to nod. “He's bad news. For both of us. I don't want to be unhip, but you know how it works. They don't want to see you with a boyfriend, they want to see you take charge of your environment, not take it from behind if you get my meaning. In fact I was hoping I might pair you up with Natasha for some of the promotional time, have you two make some appearances together. Head of security with the ultimate sergeant is a good match, I think.”  
“Natasha already has a partner, sir.”  
“Oh it's just for show. You know it, she knows it, the buyers will probably know it, too. But I need you to have that reputation, hanging around with Loki isn't going to cut it. Understood?”  
“Are you forbidding me from seeing him?”  
He raises a hand and scratches at his short dark beard, his voice jumping at least two octaves. “No, I'm not saying that exactly... Actually, yes. I am. Not in the literal sense, but romantically seeing, touching, sharing a bed is out of the question. We'll need to do something about your hair, too. And clean shaven, please.”  
He's out of my office again before I find my voice, I feel like I've been sitting like a stunned mullet for hours.   
“Well, fuck.”

As soon as Jamie enters the room I sense something is off. He should be bouncing off the walls with excitement but he's hesitant and reserved.  
“You'll need to come in every morning for your meds from now on. Your evening ones will be brought to your room.”  
“Why? I've always taken them myself before, I've been responsible with them.”  
“These are different, they need strict controls. Please don't argue, Bucky, this is way above my pay grade.”  
“You all right? You look stressed or something.”  
“A lot of research for your treatment, that's all. We have a new specialist here helping us out and she isn't keen on meal breaks. Or sleep.”  
“I'm sorry. I appreciate it, I really do. I know you're not sure about it and it's more than you've done before.”  
“Don't thank me,” he snaps. “At least not until it's done.”

Chris isn't really himself, either. He explains the procedure and the change in meds in a robotic voice that reminds me of a telemarketer reading from a script.  
“So this is an immediate fix, just like that? I'm gonna wake up with full mental health.”  
“Theoretically, if it goes as planned, yes.”  
“I don't need the disclaimer, Chris. I'm not getting my hopes up. But it's not gradual, is that right?”  
“No, it's not. However you come out of the surgery is the way you'll stay. What happened with Loki? Do you think you can forgive him?”  
“I don't know. This isn't a tiny little lie, it's a big fucking deal.”  
“No one would blame you for never speaking to him again.”  
“Hold on there, you were the one who talked me into it in the first place. I was the happiest I'd been in a long time and making better progress than all the time I've been here combined. Now you're saying I should just throw that away?”  
“If you want to forgive him no one's opinion will matter, but I'm not sure I could.”  
“I haven't exactly told him my entire history, either.”  
“He got thousands of people killed, Bucky. Your eighty nine is a drop in a very bloody ocean.”  
“You know Stark told me I'm to stay away from him? He wants me to have some kind of pretend thing going with Nat because it looks better to the buyers.”  
“If you're under contractual obligation not to see him that makes it easy, then.”  
“I thought forgiving was good for the soul or something.”  
“Pfft. Some things don't deserve to be forgiven.”  
 _Something is very fucked up in this tower._

As soon as my evening meds have been signed off for the night I let Zara know I'm on my way and get out as quietly as I can. I don't want to raise suspicion but I don't want to look like I'm trying not to raise suspicion. It's tiring just thinking about it. When I arrive she's already in bed waiting for me and tosses back the covers, her lithe body illuminated by the soft glow of her bedside lamp.  
“I'm sorry I woke you,” I say, kissing her cheek. “I just really needed this. From someone who's not attached to Stark.”  
“It's fine.” She sits up and rubs her eyes. “What's going on?”  
“That's the thing, I have no idea. It's like I've woken up in some parallel universe dystopian science fiction with all this talk of realms and gods who started wars and were banished. And then there's Stark telling me I can't see Loki anymore, and I'm pretty sure he's got Chris by the balls somehow because he's telling me not to go back to Loki. I don't think my confidential psych sessions are actually confidential anymore. Maybe they never were. If there's something going on at Stark then I can't trust Nat, either. Or Jamie, who's about to cut my brain open. And I had to wait until midnight for my meds, which I think is a cover to make me stay in my apartment overnight. There's cameras everywhere, everything is bugged, and I can't trust anyone, Zara. No one. They could be listening right now. I can't live like this!”  
“All right, calm down.” She squeezes my shoulders and rakes her nails down my back. “You weren't worried about that before, what changed?”  
“A conversation with other people who thought the same and all but confirmed it. I don't wanna do this anymore and I don't know how to get out of it.”  
I take her in my arms and pull her down against me, curling my body around her as though she's the one needing comfort, crying silently into her hair.  
“I always felt safe with Loki, like all of the bullshit didn't exist. And now even if I wanted to go back I can't.”  
I can't fill my lungs, no matter how hard I breathe. The pounding of my heart is so loud in my ears I know she's talking but I can't make out the words. I feel like every organ in my body is about to explode, at least then this fucking horrible feeling of being watched will be over.

My lovely little Zara is still there when it subsides, rubbing my back and kissing my forehead, reminding me she's there and we'll work it out, everything will be ok. She's given up trying to convince me I should talk to Loki, we have bigger problems.  
“I'm going to talk to Nat tomorrow, see if I can get any info. She seems really stressed but she's not behaving any differently so if something's going on she's not involved. All she's told me about Loki is that I'll find out when it's all blown over.”  
“Don't tell her I think something is up. I think that would make it worse.”  
“Ok.”  
“Can I stay with you tonight? I understand if you say no, after last time – “  
“Of course, I expected you would. For as long as you want.”  
“If you wake up and Sigyn is here, don't freak out.”  
I could explain, but the confusion on her face is too cute to pass up and it makes me smile for the first time in weeks.

With all of my tests done and the surgery scheduled for tomorrow I sit at my desk and sip my first coffee for the day. It feels weird, knowing that it will only be a few days before I'm back here working even though they'll have been playing around in my brain.   
Jamie was far more reassuring today, although he had another doctor with him I've never seen before. Her long auburn hair was slicked into a ponytail down her back and her eyes seemed to go right through me. I don't know if she was checking me out or what but she never stopped watching and looking at me, studying me like an anatomy model or something. I'm not sure I want her poking around in my head, I was unnerved enough by her watching me from across the room.

I can't sit still. As if it didn't already feel like the entire tower is abuzz with nervous energy I'm only adding my own to it. I still don't know the source, Nat hasn't told us anything we don't already know, but something is not right. This isn't the first time I've found myself walking past Loki's bookshop in the middle of the afternoon, I don't know if I'm hoping to get comfort from his proximity or if I hope to find him inside having a nervous breakdown because he can't live without me, but either way I'm disappointed today.

He's inside, flipping through a book with one hand and drinking a cup of tea with the other. I dart back behind a wall when he looks up as though he can feel me watching, and when I look back he's on the phone and pacing around the shop. Without ending the call he picks up his satchel and keys and darts to the door so quickly I almost give myself away by tripping over a trashcan, locking it behind him and glancing in both directions before heading off in the opposite direction to his apartment.

I don't mean to follow him, that would be bordering on stalking. If I'm honest I'm 50% worried he's seeing someone else and 50% worried something is wrong and he needs help. I'm nowhere near forgiving him but I don't wish him any sort of ill fortune, either. My stomach tightens the closer we get to Stark tower but then he takes a sharp left and disappears down an alley, looking behind him every couple of seconds. The multi-storey carpark opposite gives me a good view of the alley and the doorway he's shrunk himself into while also providing cars to shield me from view, and I wait.

Seven minutes and twelve seconds, I wait. Old habits die hard, but I forget the rest of my training when Jamie rounds the corner into the same alley looking even more jittery than Loki. He slinks into the same doorway which is now very cramped, they obviously have no problem being right up in the other's personal space. I can't watch any more, my head screams at me to run and I don't stop until I'm back inside my apartment, lighting a cigarette on the way to the balcony.

Time has ceased completely, though I vaguely remember signing for my meds and being reminded not to eat after midnight. The medical officer makes a lame joke about my being a gremlin and leaves quietly so I can return to my staring numbly out at the shimmering city. Urgent rapping on the door startles me awake and I stumble inside to Zara with a deep frown between her eyebrows.   
“What's up with you? Are you drunk?”  
“No. I'm not allowed to drink until after the surgery. Why?”  
“Your phone is off. I was worried sick,” she snaps.   
“Well I'm fine and about to go to bed.”  
“I wanted to wish you luck for tomorrow and make sure you were ok.”  
“I'm fine, see? Tired. Going to bed. Goodnight.”  
She closes the door behind her and I sigh heavily. “What's going on?”  
“I saw Loki with someone else. It doesn't matter, he's free to see whomever he likes. Maybe I'll ask them to remove those memories, too. I'm sure the lovely Dr Lorelei would understand.”  
“Loki was with... wait, did you say Lorelei?”  
“The neurosurgeon, yeah.”  
“Huh. What are the odds... was Loki with a tall woman by any chance?”  
“No. Another man. Zara, please. I just want to forget about it.”  
“Bucky, there is some weird shit going on.”  
“Told you.”  
Rather than leave she nonchalantly follows me to the bedroom and strips down to a t-shirt, getting between the sheets before I've even unfastened my belt.  
“There has to be more to this, right? He wouldn't just move on like that. He told me how much he misses you.”  
“Didn't look like he missed me too much when he was meeting up with my fucking doctor.”  
“Jamie?”  
“Yeah.”  
She flops back onto the pillows. “What the fuck?!”  
Exactly.

 


	23. Kidnapped

## Loki

Just when I thought a quiet afternoon was in order, my phone rings and I'm rushing out the door to meet Bucky's doctor. When I arrive I'm out of breath, flattening myself into a doorway to wait. The hair on the back of my neck prickles like we're being watched, I'm sure I must be imagining it but then again I wouldn't put it past Stark to have me followed. Some weird shit is going on in that place.   
“You must be Loki,” a voice startles me from my paranoia.  
“Yes. Jamie, right?”   
He nods and shakes my hand firmly. “I know this must seem a bit strange to you, but Bucky needs help. The surgery they're putting him through tomorrow, it's not safe. He'll likely just be unable to remember anything, the experimental procedure they've been trialing involves removing the brain's ability to file short term memories away for later access, so when they sleep it's like wiping their brain and starting fresh when they wake up. If Stark found out I'd told you he'd have me killed with a wave of his hand, and I can't go straight to Bucky because I'd be followed if we left together.”  
“I don't know what you expect me to do, Bucky won't listen to me.”  
“Do whatever you have to, Loki. You love him, and he loves you. You have to get him out of that tower.”  
“Is there a rational way? Break his contract, refuse the surgery?”  
“No, and I wouldn't trust anyone that works for him. Not because we're brainwashed, but we're under strict orders not to speak out of turn and scared for our lives. Everything has changed the last couple of months, all he cares about now is power and control.” He thrusts a bag of medication bottles into my hand. “Instructions are in there, enough for a month or so. There's also two handwritten prescriptions in there but I can't promise you won't draw a lot of questions and attention if you have to use them.”  
“Fuck.”  
“I'm sorry. I wish I could help more but the neurosurgeon is on my back the whole time she's not in Stark's penthouse. If it weren't for Pepper I'd think Lorelei was sleeping with him the way she has him by the balls.”  
“Lorelei?”  
“The neuro he's brought in for Bucky. She's brilliant, done a lot of research, mind-blowingly smart, but I still don't see a lot of success stories. I think she's selling Tony a very different story to the one the data tells.”  
“Fucking Lorelei. I end up in another realm and she's still hell bent on fucking me over,” I mutter under my breath.  
“Sorry?”  
“Nothing. Thanks, Jamie. I'll see what we can do.”  
“Do it fast, his surgery is first up tomorrow morning. I can tell him it's been postponed but I can't actually postpone it.”

I've plied Steve and Clint with double shot coffees and we've been over the details so much the words no longer look like English.  
“Get him out and away before morning. It's the only way,” Steve says with a resigned frown.   
“Yeah, but... if we do this it's all in, y'know?” Clint says, tossing a stapled document onto the coffee table. “Nat and Peggy are gonna have to go, too. Likely against their will. I don't know why we can't get Nat in on this, she'd be the best positioned to help.”  
“He said trust no one,” I answer. “I wouldn't be surprised if they're all under Lorelei's influence to some degree. She doesn't usually have plans for world domination but with a little help she'd easily pull off taking over Stark industries. Has anyone heard from Zara?”  
“Nat says she's been with Bucky quite a bit but I haven't spoken to her recently. Why?”  
“I want to make sure she's safe, Lorelei saw us together.”  
“My contact has confirmed that Thor returned to his post in the last few days,” Steve says.   
I nod while firing off a message to Zara. That means he doesn't know anything and he's out of the way. “Good.”  
“I've got a really bad idea,” Clint says with a satisfied grin.

The moment Zara opens her apartment door I can smell him.  
“Bucky was here.”  
“Yeah,” she says.   
“We have to get him out tonight. Will you help me?”  
“If I can. What's going on?”  
“The less you know the better but I'll tell you what I can.”  
She listens with wide eyes while I explain the plan so far, leaping off the couch to her feet when I finish.  
“I'm coming with you.”  
“No, Zar. You have a life here and a big recital coming up. Stay and live it.”  
“I don't want to. You're taking everyone I love.”  
I stare at my wringing hands while psyching myself up for what I'm about to say. It will be brutal and hurtful but it's the only way I know to make her listen. She doesn't deserve to be dragged into this mess.  
“We're not gonna have time to coddle you. You're a risk who brings no skills or experience to the team, Zara. A dead weight. You'll get us all killed.”  
She nods with tears in her eyes, slumping against me when I pull her into my arms. It breaks my heart to make her feel this way but I won't have her throw everything away to go into hiding indefinitely.

“You packed?” Clint asks when I arrive at his apartment.   
I nod and slide my backpack into the back of his SUV, the others already arranged like a jigsaw puzzle.   
“We're ready, then. Just have to convince the girls,” Steve says.  
“I expect a nice funeral, just so you know,” Clint says without smiling.   
“What's all this, then?” Peggy says from behind us, making us whirl around together to find her and Nat eyeing the two cars full of luggage.  
“Surprise,” Steve says as he threads his arms around her waist. “Thought we'd take a little impromptu trip.”  
“It's the middle of the week, Steve,” Nat says. “Clint, what's going on?”  
“Like Steve said, a little trip. That's all. I need you to trust me because I will explain further, but for now we're just taking a quick vacation.”  
“I do trust you, but this doesn't feel right.”  
Peggy looks up at me. “What do you think, Loki?”  
“For starters I owe everyone an explanation and I don't feel comfortable doing that here. I think getting out of the city is a great idea, we've all been under a lot of stress.”  
“You're up to something, Barton. You've got twelve hours' grace period, after that I start hurting you until you tell me.”  
“Understood. Peggy?”  
“Fine.”  
“Good. Phones please,” Clint says, holding out a box.   
“You're kidding, right?” Nat folds her arms across her chest.  
“They'll be safe, I promise. Remember when road trips weren't all about burying your nose in a screen?”  
They both huff but hand them over to be locked in a metal box in the back.  
“Let's go, everyone in my car. Steve will meet us there a bit later.”  
Peggy opens her mouth but Steve silences her with a kiss and some whispered words.

The sun disappears just as we leave the city, swallowed up by the darkening urban jungle. I feel nauseous about sending Steve to collect Bucky but I doubt he'd have come willingly if he'd seen me given he's refused to come anywhere near me in weeks. All I can hope for is that we'll get a chance to talk, that I can explain and apologise for my actions.

Minutes stretch out to hours which drag like the feet of a tired child who is determined not to go to bed and we arrive late into the night. When Clint said he had a safehouse I was expecting something much smaller than the sprawling ranch-style farmhouse before me. The long driveway has taken us deep into the darkness away from sight, surrounded by woods and paddocks.   
“Whose place did you say this is?” Steve asks.  
“Well it's mine, but my sister Laura lives here with her kids.”  
My first thought is that we shouldn't be barging in on his sister when the children are probably asleep, but the sheer size of the house reminds me that it probably won't matter. Even if only the upper floor is bedrooms I can see enough windows for at least six without factoring in bathrooms.   
“Thanks for doing this, Clint. I appreciate it.”

While he's showing everyone to bedrooms Nat grabs my arm. “Outside. Explanation. Now.”  
She turns to me with her arms folded, tapping her foot on the wooden decking.  
“Jamie came to see me, said no one at Stark could be trusted and Bucky was in serious danger if he had the surgery. It was just the last straw for me, I wasn't comfortable with it from the beginning. Stark's being fed false data on the case studies and it's utterly reckless to go digging around in his brain when they have no idea what they're doing.” I stop for breath, sighing when her expression hasn't softened an inch. “He was doing so well, Nat, he was happy on that last trip. We go back and it's all paranoia and anxiety again. I never intended it to happen like this but I wanted him out of there at the first opportunity.”  
“Why drag Peggy and I away?”  
“You've been acting weird. I think Lorelei has everyone under some degree of control and we knew your life would be in danger if we took Bucky but not you. Steve was easily convinced because he's wanted Peggy to get out for a long time.”  
“You could have come to me.”  
“I honestly thought I'd just get you in the shit. Jamie very clearly said not to trust anyone at Stark, you were all being told to stay silent.”  
“Bucky's not going to thank you for this, you know that.”  
“Yeah, I do. But I couldn't let them scramble his brain so he never remembered me. At least this way he might one day recall loving me once.”

In the wee hours of the morning Steve's SUV pulls down the drive and as soon as the back door opens Sigyn echos my anticipation, leaping from the seat beside me and sprinting for the car.  
“Hey, little one,” I hear Bucky say. “Sleepin' with me tonight?”  
“If you insist,” a female voice replies. My shoulder blades knit together and I stand up to greet the familiar voice.  
“Zara,” I warn. “I thought you were staying.”  
“Like that was ever going to happen, Loki. Family sticks together.” She leads Bucky inside to the room I point out.   
“Ooooh, buddy,” Steve says when they're gone. “He is pissed.”  
“Yeah, but he's still Bucky. Mission accomplished.”

Hours of tossing and turning only get me more and more frustrated, eventually I give up and head outside. The cooler air is like a slap in the face as I round the corner to the front verandah that encircles the house on three sides and into a cloud of smoke.   
“Sorry, didn't realise you were here,” I mutter, turning back.  
“You really hate me that much?”  
I stop dead. His words are cold and raspy, a blunt knife carving through the ice in my veins. “What are you talking about?”  
“I know you met with Jamie and then he rescheduled me. What did you say to him?”  
“Can I explain or should we do this after you've had some sleep?”  
“I'm about five degrees of rage beyond sleepin.”  
I keep my voice low but can't stop the tremble in every word. “OK. Jamie called and asked me to meet him. He said the procedure wasn't ready and you'd never be the same, that you were in danger of losing more than just traumatic memories, if I loved you I had to get you out. All he could do was lie to you and say it had been postponed. Now I don't give a fuck whether you forgive me or stay angry the rest of your life as long as you're alive and have the option. We did the right thing.”  
“Why did you send Steve and tell Zara not to come?”  
“Because I didn't think she needed to be dragged to a safehouse. We don't know how long we'll be here, whether this is all Stark or Lorelei has a hand in it. I sent Steve because you wouldn't have got in the car with me.”  
His chuckle is humourless. “That's a valid point, I wouldn't have.”  
“When you're ready to hear the whole story let me know, right now I'm going to get some sleep. Just know that lying to you was necessary at the time but I am sorry, and I'm sorry for the way you found out. I never imagined you'd get hurt, I thought I was protecting you. I've never had reason to tell anyone, I put it behind me and started a new life.”  
When he doesn't respond I leave him sitting there, forcing my lead-filled feet to continue one in front of the other despite every shred of my being screaming out to go back and make him understand.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Stick with me while these two sort theirs and everyone else's shit out, ok? There's always a HEA.


	24. Tumult

## Bucky

Clint's house is perfect for housing all of us but it's become too emotionally cramped for me to feel comfortable. Peggy and Nat are still cold toward Steve and Clint and I feel always on my guard just in case Loki enters the room. I understand why he did what he did and my heart hurts to stay mad at him but I'm not ready to forgive and forget. There's also the small matter of the damage he and Thor have caused with all of this Lorelei mess. Now that we've been away almost a week Nat and Peggy are sure they were under the influence of _something_ and it's a safe bet the rest of the tower are, too.

Yesterday Nat confessed that Tony Stark knows about the other realms, that he has a team of scientists who have been able to prove it for some time, and that Lorelei told him the entire story of Thor and Loki – the final piece of the puzzle. Zara and I have been hanging out a lot because we both feel utterly blindsided by all of this and completely out of our depth – Clint and Steve are used to all the conspiracies and weird shit and knew all along that Stark was up to something and above the law; Nat and Peggy were in on it from the beginning but sworn to secrecy; but Zara and I are just a marine and a musician who got caught up in the tangled mess of power and politics.

“We need to lock her up, take her out, whatever will break the spell,” Clint says across the table.  
“It's not that simple,” Loki says, rubbing his temples with long fingers. “She'll just talk her way out. She isn't human, your primitive weapons won't stop her.”  
“Are you gonna offer a solution or just insult everything we propose? I'm getting real tired of hearing you talk when you don't have a better idea.” Steve plants his hands on his hips and steps a couple of millimetres inside Loki's personal space, enough to make him bristle and dig in his heels.  
“All right,” Peggy says. “Quit the pissing contest. What it we give her what she wants? Give her Thor and make her go away.”  
Nat stands and starts to pace. “She wants the Tesseract and we can't locate it without getting back into the tower. They were narrowing it down the location, I'd be surprised if they haven't found it by now. Maybe if you hadn't pulled us out in a panic we'd be able to do something useful.”  
“Let her find it. Fuck, let her have it, it's not like anyone here knows what to do with it,” I shout over the bickering. I can feel Loki's eyes on me but I refuse to look at him. “Life goes back to normal, Thor and Loki can go home... win win.”   
Now they're all staring at me like I've just offered Zara as a human sacrifice. “Bucky, you don't mean that,” Nat says gently.   
“Why? Has anyone asked Loki if he wants to go home? He gets his magical powers back, a full pardon for his genocide, he already sleeps at night so it's not like the guilt is killing him. That is the end game, right? Go back to your royal life in Asgard?”  
“Not like this. Not with her.”  
“But your intention was always – “  
A reverberating knock on the door stops me short and Steve and Clint rush at the door with weapons at the ready, flinging it open.   
“Step aside, I must speak with Loki,” a smooth female voice says.   
“And you are?” Steve demands.   
“Lady Sif,” Loki says from behind them. “Let her in.”  
They talk quietly between them for a few moments while she sets down an ornate wooden box, and then Loki turns back with some sort of solid metal necklace in his hand.   
“I have a suggestion I think you will all agree with...”

“Does your head hurt, too?” I ask Sigyn when she sits beside me on the bridge, leaning her head against my leg. Yesterday when I couldn't take the tension any longer I went out for a walk and found the river Clint told us about, an old wooden bridge straddling the narrow waterway. While I've been sitting here this afternoon trying to clear the fog in my brain the shadows of the trees have stretched easily across to the other side, the barely moving water growing ominously dark as light disappears.

My body aches from lack of proper sleep and the heaviness in my chest adds a physical weight to the drag I feel with every step. Despair threatens to take over like the water washing over the rocks below, drowning me along with it, and I can't deny the relief that would bring. I'm so overwhelmed by the events of the last month that I want to curl up in Loki's arms and squeeze my eyes closed until it all goes away, just as I used to do when I heard noises in the night as a child. I don't even think I'm angry with him any more, I'm just too hurt and stubborn to do anything about it.

I don't look up at the sound of heavy footsteps through the dried leaves or the snap of twigs beneath boots. Whoever it is makes no effort to hide their approach and by the first footfall on the decking I know it's Loki.  
“Can we talk for a minute? I don't want to bother you but you should hear this from me.”  
“Sure.” I gesture for him to sit on the other side of Sigyn. “I wouldn't sit too close though, my brain is primed to explode.”  
“I understand,” he says with a nod. “It's a lot to take in. Sif has gone to get Thor, she can restore his memories and powers and bring him back here. Once we've collared Lorelei they'll return to Asgard, she's already located the Tesseract.”  
“And you?”  
“I'll have my abilities returned as well, at least temporarily. I've yet to decide whether to go back, but it was never my 'end game' as you called it. I'd accepted that returning was not an option and I stopped desiring it years ago.”  
“What about the rest of us?”  
“Nat seems convinced Stark's behaviour of late has been Lorelei's doing and once she's dealt with you'll be safe there again.”  
“Life will go on. Just like that.”  
“I know you wanted some time alone, so...” He makes to stand up.  
“I want to not know. I want to go back to that night and never overhear your conversation with Nat, never find out about Asgard and gods and the rest of it. My entire existence was already so complicated that having my brain tampered with was the better option even if I ended up a vegetable. Honestly I'd prefer that right now, I can't process all this new stuff. I can't... I just... I can't breathe, Loki.”  
“I'm sorry,” he whispers. He knees beside me and lays a hand gently over mine, hesitating as though I might electrocute him. “James, I am so, so sorry. I'm sorry I lied, I'm sorry you got dragged into it.”  
“I know,” I choke out, raising my eyes to his. No one has called me that lovingly since my mother when I was a child, and seeing the tears glisten in his eyes is my undoing. “I love you, Loki. Please just kiss me.”  
Loki leans in and freezes with barely a hair width between our lips. I can already taste him and feel the gravity of him pulling me in, closing the distance before he can make the final move. His mere presence is no longer enough to calm me, I need his breath to fill my lungs, his tongue to silence my thoughts, his hands to soothe my body. Warm hands grip my back, heating me through until I melt into him and grow pliable in his embrace, completely at his mercy. The salt of both of our tears tingles on my tongue but when he tries to pull back I can't let go, I'm not ready to return to the reality where everything is too loud, too bright, too painful.

Eventually when I have to set him free for air I keep my eyes closed and listen to his deep breath, savour the scent I've craved as it fills my nostrils. Without opening them I lean against his shoulder and rest my head in his neck.   
“Just stay right here, ok?” I whisper.  
“Ok.”

“Bucky?” he whispers when the cool of dusk seeps through our light clothing.   
“Do we have to?”  
“Unfortunately, yes. You ready to meet my brother?”  
“I doubt I will ever be ready for that, Loki. But I will.” I stand up and extend my hand to pull him to his feet. “So when are we heading back?”  
He keeps his fingers laced into mine as we walk. “Thor, Sif, and I will leave tomorrow. The rest of you will stay safe here until we return.”  
“No way I'm hiding out here on a farm while you're fighting.”  
“Yes, because we're immune to Lorelei now. The rest of you are not, you'd be a liability. I can't concentrate on Lorelei if I'm worrying about you.” He stops and blocks me, taking both of my hands. “Stay here and explore, have some down time away from Stark eyes and ears. I know we can't just go back to how things were and I still have some explaining to do, but I hope you'll hear me out when we come back.”  
“At the very least I guess I owe you that.”

Even from the verandah Thor's voice booms from within, I'm surprised he doesn't rattle the windows in their wooden frames. He and Loki are roughly the same height but that's where the similarities end – Thor is jarringly loud and as jolly as Santa despite being trapped on an unfamiliar world all this time with no memory of his former self, his broad figure with its own gravitational pull that draws everyone in the room toward him. His dirty blond hair is fixed in a low ponytail, his thick fingers tucking stray locks behind his ears almost nervously when he lays eyes on Loki.

“Brother,” Thor says with a nod.   
“I see you have your memory back,” Loki says as he strides across the room and into a choking hug.  
“Yes. Sif has filled me in on most of it, I trust you can do the rest.”  
“You haven't missed much here. I gave up on getting home and made a life here, you're looking at my dearest friends.”  
“They are quite fond of you,” Thor says with a smile. “You seem very comfortable here. Content.”  
“It took some time to get used to.” He gestures to me. “Thor, this is Bucky.”  
Thor reaches out and shakes my hand in his huge meaty vice. “Good to meet you, Bucky.”  
“Likewise,” I stammer out.   
I wait for them all to get talking again before slipping away to the small bedroom that is my temporary home, lying back on the bed and pulling out my book even though the words have lost all meaning. So many questions have been burning away in the pit of my stomach, but the overwhelming stillness at kissing him again cooled them off for a little while. Now they're simmering away once more and I'm convinced that I can't forgive his lying to me until I have the answers. Whether or not I like the answers is a worry for another day.

A while later the soft tap on the door startles me out of my thoughts and I'm relieved to find Zara on the other side.  
“I brought you some dinner,” she says, holding out a loaded plate. “Figured you might want some time alone.”  
“Thanks, doll.”  
“Do you want to talk?”   
“Only if you've already eaten.”  
She sits down on the bed beside me and I set the plate down on the bedside table. “That's twice today you've slipped away, what's going on?”  
“I just don't think I can handle any more. All this talk about Asgard like it's just across the sea or something, everyone just seems to accept it. Maybe I'm simply not as smart as you guys but it all makes my brain hurt.”  
“It's nothing to do with that, we might all appear fine but it does sound ridiculous when they talk about all these other realms and gods and giants. You had a talk with Loki?”  
“He explained what's happening,” I feel a blush rise in my cheeks as a smile tugs the corner of my mouth, “and we kissed. It felt so good, Zara. It always does. Then it was over and there was Thor and I couldn't breathe again. I mean, he's not just Loki any more, y'know? He can do things humans can't, he'll live for thousands of years. In Asgard.”  
“He _is_ still Loki, though. Just with extra abilities.”  
“I killed eighty nine people, Zara. The others don't know this except Nat. Confirmed pretty much every kill myself. Every single one was thought out and deliberate, no innocent civilians or mistaken identity, they were people the government had good intel on, people taking out our own soldiers or organising large scale attacks on home soil.”  
“You did a good thing, you followed orders and saved a lot of people.”  
“And I see every one of their faces. I see their families, their children, their siblings. No sniper has a higher kill rate than me, and I don't think that's something to be proud of. How many were just fighting for what they believed in, just like the rest of us. How many weren't actually guilty. I live with that every fucking day. So I fail to understand how Loki can single handedly start a war that results in hundreds of deaths and not be consumed by guilt, not want to gouge his own heart out for his carelessness.”  
She's quiet for a while before she answers. “You'd have to ask him, but maybe he's let go of the guilt because he can't change it. He made the best of being here, got an honest job and made some new friends. Maybe it's ok to live with it?” She throws her delicate arms around my neck and kisses my temple. “You don't have to be ashamed or consumed by guilt, Bucky. You did what you had to do. Empathy toward those families is commendable but letting it kill you isn't the only way to balance it out.”  
“You sound like Chris.”  
“Wouldn't it just be a waste of two more lives if you didn't allow yourselves to love and be loved, to be happy? I feel like you want to atone for your actions but maybe you don't need to, and if you do perhaps there's another way. Do you want Loki to just be lonely and miserable all his life, or do you want him to actually kill himself?”  
“Neither.”  
“What, then? What would he have to do to be off the hook in your eyes? Suffer like you do, or more so because the body count was higher?”  
The thing I hate about Zara is also the thing I love most – she refuses to coddle me while I mope and feel sorry for myself. She'll sit and cry right along with me if that's what I need, but not before forcing me to think about why I need it. Never once has she been afraid to upset me or tell me what she thinks, and she's not physically intimidated by me, either. I guess if she survived the incident where I tried to choke her she has nothing to fear in that department now that I'm medicated and stable.   
“I love you, doll. Need you to know that.”  
“I know,” she says with a grin, tightening her arms around me and rubbing my back. “You aren't wrong to feel this way, he owes you some answers. You just need to think carefully before you throw away something beautiful because of some ugly in his past.”  
“I thought I knew him.”  
“You _do_ know him. He's no different than he was before, you just know his past now as well. We were all pissed off to learn about what he did in Asgard, but it's not like finding out he has bodies rotting in the basement. He learned from it, he was punished for his mistake.”  
“And he'll probably go back, now. Lorelei said he'd return with a full pardon, he'll go back as the Prince of Asgard.”  
“There is that,” she says softly, looking down at her hands. “So maybe we should just enjoy whatever time we have left with him. You especially.”  
Without another word she kisses my forehead and leaves me alone, clicking the door closed behind her.

I wake with a start, Sigyn pawing gently at my chest and rubbing her face on my cheek.   
“Thanks, little girl,” I murmur, stroking her head and back.   
I try for another half an hour to get back to sleep, long after the comforting purr that usually settles me so easily. When I give in and pull on a pair of shorts the bedside clock reads 2:01am and I slip quietly out to the verandah to light a cigarette. The sound of a second pair of bare feet on the decking makes me whirl around to find Loki approaching in only a pair of black pants, his hair loosely tied back from his long neck. I take a long drag and hold it out to him while exhaling the thick smoke.   
“Thanks,” he says with a chuckle. “I was just wishing I'd brought some.”  
“You could have asked.”  
“It's 2am, Bucky.”  
“You worried about Lorelei?”  
“Yeah. Getting her and the Tesseract secured isn't going to be an easy task, and Thor and I are a little out of practice.”  
“I'm sure you'll be fine. What can you do exactly?” I'd planned on saving that question for later but now I'm awake curiosity has got the better of me.  
“Illusions, mostly. The rest is just extraordinary strength and constitution, I can heal from almost anything and much faster than a human. Unfortunately my greatest weapon has likely been locked away now but I can summon and control energy.”  
“No hammer for you, then.”  
“Ah, no.” He laughs. “No hammer. Thor is a little lost without Mjolnir, he'll be happy to have it back.”  
“You should get some sleep.” I spy him stifling a yawn while I stub out the cigarette.   
He leads the way back inside the house and hesitates at his door. “If you're having trouble sleeping you're welcome to... I know nothing will happen, but... “ He trails off and glances up at me with his bright blue eyes almost timid, his brow raised bashfully.  
“You want me to lie with you for a bit?”  
“I want... yes. But I want you to want to.”  
I reach past him and open the door, striding easily to the bed and lying on my usual side with my arm outstretched. Loki unfastens his pants and lets them pool around his feet before crawling in beside me and resting his neck on my arm with his back to me.   
“Thank you,” he whispers as I smooth down the hair tickling my cheek.   
“Good night, Loki.”  
I feel Sigyn leap up and curl around my feet, making her little nest in her usual place and taking her time to get comfortable. Loki's weight shifts and sinks further against my arm as he falls asleep and my own eyes finally grow heavy, my heart eased of its burden for now with him beside me. Just as I'm dipping into slumber he turns to face me and burrows into my shoulder, wrapping an arm around my waist.  
“I love you, Pumpkin,” he murmurs.  
“Love you, too. And I forgive you.”

 


	25. Warriors three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is a little short but the next will be coming in a day or so.

## Loki

“What, no parade to mark our triumphant return from exile?”   
“Loki, I swear...” Sif hisses back.  
Our footsteps echo in the seemingly empty throne room, the cold of the stone floor seeping through my boots like the New York snow. Colder still is the reception we've received thus far, as though we weren't returning both Lorelei and the Tesseract to their rightful place. The heavy gilt doors behind the stairs open slowly, a procession of Einherjar spilling forth like golden blood vessels into the wound at Asgard's heart. Frigga follows them, elegant and beautiful as ever with light toffee curls spiralling over one shoulder, her hands clasped at her waist and a warm expression on her slightly worn face. Tears shimmer in her eyes, brimming over as she approaches us and takes Thor into her arms as tightly as she is able.   
“Oh, my boys. I have missed you more than you could know.”  
I fight not to roll my eyes. Seeing mother again is a comfort and relief, almost as much as the twisting of razor sharp betrayal in my spine.   
“You could have brought us back at any time, I'm sure,” I say under my breath.  
Sif's elbow in my ribs is a painful stab. “You have no idea, shut your stupid mouth.”  
I can't help but roll my eyes this time at her childish insult. Surely in all this time she could have thought up something intelligent.   
“Loki,” Frigga begins as she releases Thor and glides toward me, her blue gown swishing on the floor just as I remember. “I promise you had it been so simple I'd have done it that very day. It was not.”  
“I see the great Odin is absent. Too busy being the Allfather to be our father, I suppose.”  
“He is dying, Loki. He sleeps, but not like before.”  
“My sincere condolences, my Queen. If there is anything I can do...” Sif bows her head beside me.  
“Thank you, child. Your assistance with Lorelei and returning my sons is more than enough. I have no doubt Odin knows that we are reunited and all is once again well.”  
She opens her arms and embraces me; although I remain reluctant at first the scent I have known for hundreds of years produces a reaction even I do not have the ability to resist and I am a little boy again, safe in his mother's lap.  
“I am sorry, mother. For your king's illness and your sons' exile. I am afraid things will never be what they once were.”  
“Loki is unsure whether he will stay,” Thor explains. “He has a life there, close friends.”  
“I know,” she says, patting my shoulder and clearing her throat. “That is for Loki and I to discuss at a later time. Shall we eat, you must be famished?”

For three days and nights I have resisted getting comfortable in my old chambers, instead attempting to have an honest conversation with either Thor or my mother. They both seem to think if they refuse to hear me out I'll give in and stay, and mother especially has stubbornness that would rival the heaviest ox. This evening while Thor embarks on yet another boisterous celebration of his return I slip away, knowing she will be at Odin's bedside. She won't want to talk there but I am down to my last option, especially since finding out today that Heimdall is under orders not to permit my departure.  
“He's fading away, Loki,” she says without looking up. Through the shimmer of the small chamber I see Odin sleeping, a few more lines around his temples than last I stood here.   
“I am sorry, mother. For you.”  
“He loved you. Every day you were gone he grieved you both.”  
“What's done is done, I do not wish to discuss it further.”  
“No,” she sighs, “You wish to discuss your future. I know you have a happy life there and I know you've found love. I've watched you grow and settle there.”  
“Heimdall?”  
“No. Your father would have had his head for treason. He'd have done the same to me if he could get away with it. I had to be a little more creative.” She smiles over at me and it's the smile of a schoolgirl almost caught with her hand in the sweets jar, handing over half the loot to her accomplice. “Sigyn.”  
“That was your doing?”  
She nods. “Initially I just wanted to see you were all right, but then her owner was so sick and Sigyn was so sad, I knew you'd give her a good home. And then there was Bucky.”  
“How did you do it? How does she stop his nightmares?”  
“Oh, I had nothing to do with that, it's just animal instinct. I might have made sure she got in and out, though. I know you love him, but this is your home. You belong on that throne, Loki.”  
“Apparently not,” I scoff. “Thor was set to take the throne, remember?”  
“Your father has been considering bringing you back to rule together for some time. It's what he would have wanted and Asgard needs its ruler, now.”  
“Thor was always the one in line for the throne. I simply can not believe Odin would ever allow this, much less want it.”  
“Were he able I am certain he would tell you himself.”  
“He had ample opportunity to do so.”  
She sighs and rubs her temples, appearing to age rapidly in front of my eyes. “Are you that insistent on being bitter?”  
“I'm not bitter, if you've been watching me as closely as you say you would know that.”  
“Why don't you go back for a few days, say your goodbyes. I just know you'll feel differently if you spend some time here. You could visit them on occasion, even bring Bucky here.”  
I raise an eyebrow. “Bring him here? How would the people feel about that?”  
“You'd be discreet, of course.”  
“Ah, there it is. We'd hide, pretend we're not anything more than friends. Come and gaze upon my kingdom, my love. Oh but don't stand too close, my people might talk. Bad enough a Frost Giant sharing the throne but one who chooses another man over a wife? Inexcusable.”  
“You can't just force change down their throats, Loki. We must tread lightly, go slowly.”  
Either way, Asgard is not a place I could live with Bucky, with my every move scrutinised. I can barely convince him to hold my hand in public when no one is watching.  
“I am happy there, you've seen it yourself.”  
“You will grow old, wither and die before my eyes, live the rest of your life in the blink of an eye. I can not give my blessing to your decision.”  
“Then I will go without it.”  
“Do as I suggested, take a few days to prepare and farewell that existence. If you still feel this way you come back and say a proper goodbye, because once your powers are gone you will be mortal and unable to return.”  
“I will do as you suggest, but my heart will not change.”  
“It never did, my dear boy.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 2 more chapters and an epilogue to go!


	26. Redemption

## Bucky

Nat brings her coffee outside and sits beside me with a deep sigh. It's early afternoon and the tension around the house is thick while we wait impatiently for news from New York, most of us seeking silent solitude to pass the time. When I woke this morning with the dawn Loki had already been gone long enough for his side of the bed to be cold and the thought that he might not return weighs heavy on my heart.  
“You back in bed with Clint, yet?” I ask, squinting the sun from my eyes.   
“Yeah, but only for the sex. We're still not really talking. No cuddling, either.”  
I laugh and shake my head but she's probably not exaggerating.  
“A little bird told me you weren't in your bed this morning,” she says with a smirk.  
“That would be my little Zee-bird, I suppose?” As has happened regularly, Zara came into my bed for cuddles when she couldn't get back to sleep in the early hours of the morning. Obviously this morning she found it empty, but like Goldilocks she climbed in anyway and fell asleep waiting for me. “Nothing really happened with Loki, I was just in his bed for a few hours.”  
“That's good, though. Progress.”  
“Yeah.” I shrug. “Are you planning on going back to Stark?”  
“I'm going to speak with him once it's all over, see how he seems. We were all affected, I just don't know how much was Lorelei and how much was him. How about you?”  
“I don't like the path he had me on but I enjoyed what I was working on. I think I'll wait and see. Depends whether he still thinks he can fix my brain.”  
“Bucky, there's nothing wrong with your brain that can be fixed by sticking foreign objects in it. You need to give it time and regular therapy, look how much you've improved in the last year.”  
“What if Loki doesn't come back?” I whisper.  
“Then he doesn't come back,” she says with a shrug. “You'll be sad and you'll mourn and life will go on. He's not responsible for the way you've changed. You are.”  
I don't believe her, but I don't feel like arguing.

Zara spends every night in my bed after that, rubbing my back when I can't get to sleep. Usually it works, but this particular night my mind just won't stop racing.   
“What's wrong?” she mumbles, laying her head on my bare chest.  
“It's been a week, I don't think he's coming back.”  
Tony spoke to Nat yesterday and begged her to come back, we know the Tesseract and Lorelei are gone – though I still don't really know what the Tesseract is exactly. God but I'd love to get my hands on that thing.  
“He won't just leave, Bucky. If he's been delayed there'll be a good reason.” She sighs and runs her hand down my shoulder, giving it a squeeze on the way back up to my neck. “You can't wait forever, though. How long are you going to stay?”  
“I guess I'll go back tomorrow with Nat and the rest. If he wants me he knows where I am.”  
Her soft breaths dance warm on my skin and her head grows heavy on my chest as she falls asleep again, leaving me trapped and pondering the ceiling.

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

Being back in Stark tower is unnerving to say the least. Both Jamie and Chris want to see me but I'm summoned to Stark's office first.   
“I owe you a huge apology, Bucky. I assume you know I wasn't myself and I assure you that won't be happening again. I have no intention of turning you into a prototype, the research we had been doing to treat and prevent PTSD was for the purpose of returned soldiers, not so I could create one immune to the effects of war. I'm so sorry.”  
“I get it, everyone here was a bit crazy.”  
“I'd love for you to come back and do your old job, if that's what you want?”  
“Absolutely, anything to occupy my brain.”  
He shakes my hand before I leave and assures me once more that I won't be pushed into anything again. Chris and I talk about Loki and my time away and he stocks me up with meds, ones that I can dose out myself this time. Jamie looks at me warily when I stride through the glass doors.   
“How did you know?” I ask.  
“I honestly have no idea,” he says quietly. “It was like she was controlling me but I knew and if I got far enough away I could fight against it. Are you all right?”  
“Yeah, thanks to you. If you hadn't tipped Loki off I'd probably be a potato.”  
“I wish I could have done more. I wanted to. So we won't be performing further surgery on you any time soon.”  
“No. I think I'll stick with therapy for a bit.”

That night I'm back in my apartment, smoking a cigarette on the balcony like nothing ever happened. Only it did and I have no idea where Loki is or if he's coming back and I'm beginning to think he should just put me out of my misery if he isn't, waiting to find out is killing me. When there's a quiet knock on the door I assume it's Zara again so I don't bother with a shirt, answering it in my faded jeans and bare feet.

Loki fills the doorframe, wearing leather and gold armour. I'm so shocked by the whole aesthetic that I forget how much I've missed him and just stare. The high collar shrouds the back of his neck, his hair falling over the top straight and black as the night sky. His broad shoulders are widened further by the stiff plates jutting just past the joint, the sleeves wrapping snugly all the way to the base of his fingers, the tails of his coat brushing his leather-clad calves. I'm mesmerised by the criss-cross pattern of the breastplate, the shiny golden accents so highly polished I could see my face in them.   
“May I come in?” he asks, snapping me out of my trance.  
I step back and wait until the door is latched to reach out and touch his garments, the smooth leather is warm beneath my fingertips and its scent instantly brings my feelings back to the surface.  
“Wow.”  
He smiles and pulls me against him, his lips slanting down to claim mine in a searing kiss. “I missed you,” he says, his forehead on mine and eyes still closed.   
“I missed you, too. I almost don't want to ask, but...”  
“I'm staying. I have to go back in a few days to say my goodbyes and then I'll be all yours. Mortal and all.”  
“You still have your powers?”  
In reply he waves a hand and his clothing disappears in a shimmer of green, leaving him naked as the day he was born before me.  
“Happy to see me?” he asks while I'm admiring his naked form. I follow his eyes downward to my growing dick between us and realise he's removed my clothes as well.  
“Hey!”  
“I think this is going to be fun.” He presses me between him and the wall, his erection against my hip and mine pushing into his stomach.

On the way to the bedroom he switches the light off and leads the remaining steps in the dark until I fall back onto the bed. Caging me in with his long limbs he kisses me once more and then his lips and tongue paint a story on my prickling skin. On my neck and shoulders his apology for not telling me about his past, my chest bearing the teeth marks of his gratitude, his promises that I'll never be sorry I gave him my heart. My belly gets the winding path of his happiness at being back in my bed, his intention to thoroughly satisfy us both and fall asleep entwined.

And then he has my cock in his hand, he's my kitten lapping with a flat tongue at the tip like a delicious morsel too rich to waste. I gasp and reach down, threading my fingers in his hair until a low groan rumbles in his throat. He takes me in his mouth and sucks hard up and down a few times, his fingers stroking gently behind my balls, then pushes my legs wide and licks downward from my sack until his soft tongue reaches my hole. I stiffen for a moment but I'm quickly overwhelmed by pleasure as he licks the puckered skin and fists my cock, his pointed tongue relaxing the tight muscle.

Once I start to moan his movements become more urgent, his hot breath heavy on my moistened skin. With one last sweet kiss on my asshole he stands and eyes me hungrily.   
“I'll be right back, but feel free to enjoy my stand-in,” he says with a wave of his hand.   
I gulp heavily at the sight of another Loki appearing beside him at the foot of the bed. “What the fuck? Is he... can he...”  
“Fully equipped,” the second Loki says, stroking his own long cock.   
“He's me,” Loki says, already heading into the bathroom.  
I assume he's just eye candy until he coats his fingers in lube and slips two straight inside me. My hips buck violently as he rakes the tips over my prostate and scissors them to stretch my walls, adding a third finger and tapping them upward until my cock is leaking and my breath is so loud in my ears I don't even know Loki has returned until his minty tongue invades my mouth. He devours me like a starving man and I'm done for, my muscles clenching around the other Loki's fingers and my body writhing with all the grace of a dying insect.

When I recover the fingers are gone and Loki is stroking my cheek with a tender smile.  
“You know what I've wanted since the first time we fucked?” he asks.  
“What's that?”  
“A Bucky sandwich.” He lies back on the pillow and hands me the lube. “Unfortunately it's a one-off deal, I can't keep this guy around forever,” he says, looking over my shoulder to the second Loki who has his cock in hand   
“Who am I to deny my kitten his fantasy?”  
I open his legs, prepare him with two fingers, and then lube up my shaft, pressing it against his relaxed hole until it slides inside and he pulls me in deep. The other Loki's eyes never leave us as I steadily push in and out, our combined moans echoing in the small room.

I still for a moment and lean down to kiss his mouth, positioning myself on my knees while our tongues dance together and parting my own thighs as the second Loki moves in behind me. Without warning he fills me and I nip Loki's tongue and I thrust forward, overcome with him around me and inside me all at once. We alternate the two of them thrusting up and into me and my hips moving between them until I can't take any more.  
“Gonna come,” I grind out between thrusts.  
“Give it to me,” they both say in unison.   
It's only as I'm filling Loki with cum, the thrusts against my prostate producing spurt after shuddering spurt, I realise he has his dick firmly in hand and his face contorted in ecstasy. His flesh spasms around me, milking more of my seed inside as he covers his own stomach and chest with white ropes of release. I'm jolted forward one last time and feel the warm rush of the second Loki's load in my ass, and then he dissipates into a green shimmer.

I collapse onto my stomach beside Loki, draping my flesh arm over his shoulders as he catches his breath, raising my head a few moments to look over the mess of his body as he lies spread open and utterly vulnerable. My head struggles to catch up with my pounding heart, I feel filthy and depraved and fucked out, completely exhausted and totally satisfied.   
“Can we keep him around?” I ask into my pillow.  
Loki's deep-throated chuckle rumbles beside me and I feel the bed shake. “Not really, no. That took a lot more energy than I'd care to admit.”  
“Shame,” I say nonchalantly, straining up to kiss his lips. “I kinda liked him.”

“Are you sure about this?” I ask as he's preparing to return to farewell Asgard one last time.   
“I've never been more sure about wanting to be with anyone,” he says tenderly, caressing my cheek. “I can't have you there, but I can here.”  
“I know, but... if you wanted to go back I'd understand.”  
“I've done my duty to Asgard, Thor will make a good king and choose a suitable queen and the universe will keep on turning.” He pulls me against him and I rest my head in the crook of his shoulder. “You thought I wasn't remorseful enough for what I did, but after I let it go I knew that no one would ever accept me if they knew the truth. When it all came out and I thought I'd lost you, maybe I didn't fight hard enough but it was because I knew it was coming. Of course you'd walk out. But you... you made me see that redemption was possible.”  
“Perhaps one day I'll believe that myself.”  
“Move in with me.”  
I straighten and frown, assuming I misheard. “Pardon?”  
“Move in. With me. Please.”  
“I don't... what if...”  
“You out of excuses yet?”  
“Yeah, I am.” I grin.  
“Good. We'll do it when I get back. I love you, Pumpkin.”  
“Love you too. Have a safe trip.”  
“I will,” he says with a laugh. “I'll be back before you know it.”

 


	27. Growing up and growing old

## Loki

Strange to think I can return from the grandeur of the Asgardian royal palace to find heartwarming beauty in the most mundane of mornings and unprecedented joy in my human mortality and shortened lifespan.

Bucky stabs a piece of bacon with his fork, impaling some egg and toast along with it before raising it to his mouth and tilting his head at my staring.  
“What?” he asks.  
“Nothing, I just love everything about living with you.”  
“Including watching me eat?”  
“Yep.”  
He laughs and shakes his head, blinking dark chocolate hair from his eyes. In the months since he moved in he's slowly made my apartment his home, relaxing into it just like he does the huge squishy chair we share most evenings. The therapy seems to be progressing better than before, as though being watched in the tower was holding him back and becoming less help and more hindrance. We have no panic buttons, no cameras, no security to call upon – just trust. Trust that he'd never harm me on purpose, trust that I'd forgive him if he did. And Sigyn, of course, who calms him at the end of a stressful day, nuzzles him awake when he's lost in a nightmare, reminds me that my mother is never all that far away.

On his way to Stark tower he walks me to the shop, his fingers laced comfortably into mine as though he didn't balk at the idea of holding hands in public just a few months ago. He still glances over his shoulder but the wide-eyed paranoia is gone, the ghosts of his disapproving past no longer follow us. While I'm unlocking the door he wraps his arms around my waist from behind and then leaves me with a long open-mouthed kiss for good measure, because he does that in public now, too.

The morning is steadily uneventful, just the way I like it. I'm immersed in Captain Nemo's giant squid terror when the door opens so abruptly I jump, launching a napping Sigyn from my lap in the process.   
“May I help you?”  
“I hope so.”  
Funny how we were face to face not so long ago and now we're pretending not to know each other. I force a smile and swallow my ill feelings.  
“What can I do for you, Mr Stark?”  
“For starters you can call me Tony. May I?” He gestures toward a chair at the other side of the table, waiting until I nod before pulling it out to sit in it. “I never really got the chance to thank you and your brother for taking care of the situation with Lorelei.”  
“Well, she was originally Asgard's problem.”  
“I'd also like to offer you a position. I have a small team entirely dedicated to finding other worlds like yours and they've made some amazing progress but obviously it's nothing on what you could tell us.”  
“I can't tell you how to get there, I can't even get there myself.”  
“There must be other ways, though.”  
“Ahhh, yes. You probably don't want to go there, Tony. It's not like you can march yourself into another realm and then walk right out again.”  
“See? You should be advising my team, it's perfect.”  
“Except that you told my boyfriend I was trouble and to stay away from me. Men in general because you can't show off a gay soldier but me specifically, why?”  
“Lorelei. And I apologised to Bucky for my ignorance. I should never have said what I did.”  
“Do you actually feel that way about us?”  
“Not at all. That doesn't mean the potential clients I was referring to would feel the same, but I have no intention of putting Bucky in that situation.”  
“Then I'll think about it.”

His offer plays on my mind the rest of the day, the idea of being so open about myself with people other than those who already know is disconcerting but at the same time it would be something different and today isn't the first time I've considered moving on from the bookshop, much as I love the endless supply of reading material. We're hosting a casual dinner for everyone this evening so I have to shop on the way home and when I arrive Bucky is already there and pulling on jeans and a t-shirt. As always I feel his eyes on me while I'm cooking and I can't hide a satisfied smirk at his fascination with my hands. As the others arrive there's no hesitation in opening the door just as he's opened himself up to them more than ever in the last few months. He tells me that after the revelations of Asgard and my past, confessing his position as a sniper to his closest friends didn't seem like such a big deal, and just like that the broody and mysterious Bucky let those who love him see his demons.

The chaotic events of those few weeks seem to have propelled us all forward into new territory, complete with unexpected challenges. Peggy and Zara are fawning over a reluctant Nat as she casually rests a hand on her swollen belly and sips from a glass of juice – she got the news she was pregnant the day she returned to Stark but I expect the shock won't wear off until well after their son is born. Clint has taken extended leave to perform stay-at-home-dad duty while Nat returns to work and his persistent grumbling about it isn't doing anything to fool us, he can hardly wait to be a father. Steve and Peggy are sporting identical gold bands on their wedding fingers, having foregone the half-planned extravagant reception for a registry office ceremony and intimate dinner last weekend. Zara has been offered a lucrative position with a European symphony orchestra and with a lot of encouragement she's making the big move in a few weeks as long as we all promise to visit regularly.

I find Bucky out on the terrace with Steve and Clint, blowing a stream of smoke from the side of his mouth and nodding. When I slip in beside him his arm goes straight to my waist, his metal fingers tapping lightly on my hip while we talk about Clint's impending fatherhood.  
“Peggy is baby mad now,” Steve says, rolling his eyes and laughing. “All she talks about is when we're gonna reproduce.”  
“That's why she brought the wedding forward,” Bucky says with a laugh. “You're trapped now.”  
“Least you two aren't getting a surprise like we did.” Clint shakes his head. “Don't get me wrong, we're both thrilled now, but the shock of finding out and then being so far gone already.”  
“I love how you say 'so far gone' like she's terminally ill,” Bucky says with a chuckle.   
“Their sex life might be,” Steve mumbles.  
“It's fine thanks very much!” Clint slaps Steve's chest playfully.   
“Yeah, it's Nat. It'll take more than a baby bump to put her off,” I chime in.   
“It must be pretty awesome, though,” Bucky says quietly. “With her feeling it kick and stuff.”  
“I felt it for the first time yesterday, it's incredible,” Clint says with a broad smile.   
While the conversation continues I can't help but watch Bucky's face, the way his eyes light up when they talk about children and fathering them and for the first time I realise it's something he might want more than he's letting on.

“Do you want children?” I ask him that night as he peels off his clothes.   
“I don't know. Maybe. I guess I always thought I'd have them one day, but obviously we can't just...” He puts both hands over my stomach and then pulls them back like it's expanding until I look at him in horror.  
“Yeah, no. We can't.”  
“Shame. You'd be incredibly sexy if you were preg – “ he cuts off and falls back onto the bed laughing. “Sorry, I can't even finish the thought. Do you want to?”  
I could tell him that would have been a possibility not so long ago but decide against it. “I guess so. It's funny, my lifespan was so long I just assumed everything would happen later. Now I have to remember I don't have eternity to make up my mind.” I lie down on the pillow naked and stare up at him. “I know what I want right now, though. And time is a-wasting.”

Bucky leaps on top, caging me in and kissing me thoroughly while his hand wanders over my skin and his already erect cock grinds against mine. His tongue trails down my jaw and neck, licking at my racing pulse and nipping at my collarbone. Kneeling up between my legs he takes both of our shafts together in his hand while his metal fingers spread lube around my hole and press inside, fingering my prostate in time with the strokes of his other palm. A long string of whispered expletives prompts him to pull back and spread me wide, positioning himself while kissing me once more.

He makes love to me like we have all the time in the world, working his way slowly deeper while running his hands soothingly over my chest and stomach. Lacing his fingers into mine and holding both above my head he pulls back so the head of his cock is brushing my prostate with every movement and makes relentless shallow thrusts while kissing my mouth and growling filthy encouragement into my ear until I feel every internal muscle grow rigid and spasm around him, my hips bucking when he stills to draw out the contractions of ecstasy that make my dick leak onto my rippling abdomen.

“I will never get tired of that,” he says, kissing me again before withdrawing and turning me onto my stomach.   
This time he enters me without warning, burying himself until I feel his balls against my ass and moan at the fullness. His fingers dig into my hips and he rocks me back and forth, slapping my skin against his hips with every motion and moaning as my tight passage grips his shaft. I love when this side of him is set free, when he's demanding and rough without holding back, when he uses me and pleasures me, tips me over the edge again and again like only he can. His metal hand remains on my hips but the other drags harshly down my spine, tugs at my hair to snap my head back, grips my shoulder until I bend to his will. With his breath coming in ragged pants he releases me for a minute of recovery, lying me down on my side and curling himself around my back.

Bucky props up on one elbow and turns my face toward him, his tongue invading my lips just as he pushes inside me again, filling me in one swift motion. Holding my leg up to open me he returns to slower long thrusts, his sack swinging up to brush mine while he holds me still. Our moans fall into sync and I wrap my hand around my shaft, letting the momentum push it back and forth and feeling the pooling of orgasm deep within as he kisses the back of my neck. As I feel his movements grow needy and urgent I stroke my fist firmly up and down, letting the euphoria overwhelm me as he grunts and groans in my ear.   
“Oh, fuck. Loki. Yes. Fuck. Yes.”  
My head falls back against his shoulder and my body turns rigid as I come, white ropes of climax coating the bed and my torso right as Bucky pushes hard into my ass and fills me with warmth.  
“You know I'm in this for the long haul, right?” he asks, his lips tickling my skin.  
“Good, because mortality means I'm going to age, and I want to grow old with you.”

Long after the light kisses on my shoulder, the shower where both of our legs tremble, the towelling off and collapsing back into bed where I lie my head on his chest and his fingers comb through my hair, I stare out at the city lights and hope an answer will magically come to me. It doesn't.  
“Are you awake?” I ask when I feel Bucky stir beneath me.  
“Yeah, what's up?”  
“I had a visit from Tony Stark today...” I begin.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sadly there's only one more chapter for these two. Thank you so much for your kudos and comments, I have LOVED writing this and it's taken me in a whole new direction.


	28. To the last

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter and we begin roughly a year later

##  **Bucky**

Another year, another camping trip. It looks just a little different from my first and I could never have imagined how everything would change in the two years between. How I would change. Loki sits back while I unpack and begin erecting the tent, babbling like a lunatic to the giggling baby in his lap. When he falls silent I turn and find him watching me with the hunger of a predator studying its prey, licking his lips until a tiny hand reaches up and grabs the collar of his shirt.   
“Enjoying the view?” I ask, looking down at my bare torso.  
“Could be better. Lose the pants, too?” he suggests.  
“You'd have more chance of that if you helped.”  
“When Nat hands you a baby you don't ask questions, you just take it. And who could resist this face?” He spins little Kamala around and I have to agree she's gorgeous and giving me a broad gummy smile to boot.  
“You just don't want to do the hard work.”  
“That's what I have you for, Pumpkin. I'll make it up to you.”  
“I can help if you like,” a heavily-accented voice chimes in. We only met Gunnar a couple of days ago when Zara returned from Switzerland, he seems to be still in the 'impress the girlfriend's friends' stage. Zara appears behind him and strokes the baby's head while talking to Loki.  
“Thanks,” I reply. “I'm good, though.”  
“You fixed your tattoo?” Zara says, coming over for a closer look. “When did that happen?”  
“Finished a couple of weeks ago.” I shiver when she runs her fingers over the raw skin.

After I came home I planned to have it changed into something different entirely and I told Jamie if he could remove what remained to just do it. The pride I had once felt in representing my country as a marine had diminished almost to nothing and the kills I'd made only resulted in utter shame. One day that began to shift and as Chris had me replay each and every one to accept and make peace with them I felt hope that the guilt might fade with time. The more we talked about how that experience shaped me and experimented with the idea that it might not all be negative the more I let myself sit with the associated labels, to be a veteran rather than broken, to be a committed soldier instead of just a killer. It's still the flag and the eagle only a little rougher around the edges than before and the eagle is perched where titanium meets flesh. While I was there I did something I swore I never would – had Loki's runes inked over my heart. Not because I know with 100% certainty that we'll be together for eternity – although I hope that's the case – but because I know our relationship is another chapter that has shaped who I am. There are other labels I'm yet to come to terms with but belonging to Loki is one I cherish every day.

By the time we crawl into the tent that night my eyes sting from the smoke and my insides buzz with the warmth of red wine. In the dark I strip down to my shorts and slip into the joined sleeping bag, wrapping myself around the curve of Loki's spine and brushing my lips over his shoulder.   
“You were so cute with Kamala today,” I murmur against the soft skin of his neck.  
“I'm not a baby person but the way she smiles just sucks me in.”  
“She is gorgeous, not that I'd expect any less from Nat and Clint.”  
“Sometimes I see you holding her and I wonder... I worry that you'll decide you want a family.”  
I freeze and prop up on my elbow. “Because you don't?”  
“No, because you and I can't. I mean we can, but it's not so simple.”  
“I would have thought we'd just adopt,” I say with a shrug.   
Loki rolls onto his back and frowns so intently I can feel it even if I can barely make out his features. “You've thought about it?”  
I hadn't, until recently. The more time I spend with Kamala and watch their little family the more I think maybe I might want that, whatever shape it might come in for me.  
“A little. Just how it would look for us if we decided to.”  
“You are full of surprises lately. I like it.”  
He launches at me and pins me on my back to kiss me passionately while his hands wander downward.   
“At least we don't have to worry about it happening unintentionally.”  
Loki teases me slowly, working me into a painfully desperate state. While he's reaching for the lube I catch him off guard and flip him to his back, straddling him and easing him inside. One hand guides my hips while the other fists my cock and I ride him steadily until he shudders and fills me with warmth, continuing the last few rolls of my hips as he jerks me hard and fast, my seed glazing his stomach. As I'm lying down with his head on my chest the cries of a hungry infant are carried across the campsite and we both chuckle quietly at how our lives have changed.

Skinny dipping in the lake has become a sort of tradition now, one that Loki insists we never miss. A few nights later we swim in the warm water beneath a moon so large and bright I feel I could just pluck it from the sky. From a few feet away Loki's deep voice breaks the silence.  
“I was thinking the other day about next of kin and all that sort of stuff. I wanted to make you mine in case anything happens, so you can make decisions on my behalf.”  
I have many, many questions. So many I can't sort them into an appropriate order. “I feel like I should be clothed for this conversation. And much older.”  
“It turns out you don't have a lot of rights in that situation, even though we live together,” he continues. “That really bothers me. And if anything should happen I want you to have the apartment, all that is mine is yours.”  
“There's really no need for that, Loki. I don't have a lot but I have enough.”  
“But there is, that's the thing. It should automatically go to you because you're my family. Only you're not legally and even if I put it in writing it could be a hassle for you. I spoke with a lawyer and he's going to prepare the documents, but -”  
“Wait.” I hold up a hand and move closer so I can see the bright moonlight in his eyes. “Are you sick? Is something wrong? What am I missing here?”  
“Nothing, I promise,” he says with a smile, kissing my lips gently. “Remember the helicopter that crashed last week, the one Tony was supposed to be on?”  
“Yeah,” I answer with a shudder. The pilot was returning after Tony changed his plans at the last minute and died on impact.   
“Tony is trying to make sure the pilot's assets go to his partner but it doesn't look hopeful. I don't want that to happen to us. There's a much simpler way than a heap of legal paperwork, though, and it's more secure.”  
“Loki, I really don't think this is something we need to worry about.”  
“Marry me.”  
Stunned silence falls over us, even the hum of nocturnal wildlife seems to pause in suspense. I take his face in both hands, intending to ask if he's crazy but instead crushing his lips with mine, lapping at the seam with my tongue and kissing him until my head spins and my lungs burn for air.

With our foreheads pressed together I gulp down lungfuls of his breath, my head swimming with his scent as his hands trail down my chest and come to rest on my hips. I want to say something, anything, but like the adder that lies in wait for its unsuspecting prey to step within striking distance the uncertainty rears back and paralyses me with its venom.  
“Would you just think about it for me?” Loki whispers with far more patience than I deserve.  
I nod and force my eyes open.   
“Relax,” he says, nuzzling my neck. “That's all I need.”

I lie awake most of the night, torn between the giddy elation in my heart and the black cloud of misplaced shame that hangs over my head. The demeaning voice in my head that makes my hands curl into fists and my heart race with fear doesn't belong to me but it won't be silenced. I remind myself I don't have to listen to it anymore, don't have to be controlled by it or afraid of its admonition, but it only screams louder.

“Nice night,” Zara says when she finds me sitting near the fire.   
“Yeah. What’s got you up in the middle of the night?”  
“Well, we...” She performs some sort of vulgar charades with her hands until I smile and nod. “And then he fell asleep and I was sort of still buzzing. Now he’s snoring and I heard you wandering around.”  
“How’d you know it was me?”  
“Heard your lighter, you were fidgeting with it like you do.” She nods toward my hand, my thumb flicking it open and closed of its own accord. “What’s bothering you?”  
“Totally in my own head, it’s nothing.”  
She sits beside me and tosses her sleeping bag over both of us, snuggling against my chest so I can wrap an arm around her.

“Seems we both woke up cold and alone?” Loki says.   
The sun is already too bright before I open my eyes, the log behind my back and ground beneath my legs are like ice untouched by its warmth, but there’s a tepid body lying against me that’s too big to be Sigyn. Curiousity gets the better of me and I squint against the harsh morning to find Loki and Gunnar staring at me. Neither of them look particularly amused at my contorted face or sympathetic at my frozen and aching body.  
“Do they do this often?” Gunnar asks Loki without taking his eyes off me.   
“Not often, just when Bucky can’t sleep. It’s innocent, I promise.”  
Oh. The sleepy body stirring against me is registering now, no wonder he looks pissed.  
“Sorry,” I say thickly. “I was up and she sat with me for a bit. Won’t happen again.”  
Zara rubs her eyes and straightens. “Sorry, babe. We talked about this, though.”  
“Yeah, I know. How about you come back to bed and make it up to me?” He holds out a hand and she lets him pull her to her feet, giving me a questioning look.  
“Thanks, Zar.”  
Loki sits down beside me.  
“I didn’t want to wake you,” I say softly.  
“I know.” He reaches over and weaves our fingers together. “I didn’t mean for this to make you anxious.”  
“It’s not your fault. God, I want to be with you for the rest of my life. I want to go to bed with you every night and wake up with you every day.”  
“Then say yes.”  
“I can’t, I just... can’t.”  
“Too much commitment?” he asks through pursed lips.   
“You know that’s not it.”  
“No, I don’t know. I thought I did, I thought we were past this.”  
“So did I. I think it feels more final, like if we’re not married I can still go either way but if we are...”  
“You’re stuck with me.” He shakes his head and laughs, rubbing a hand over his tired face. “Remember how I asked you to be honest? Let’s not do that any more. Ouch.”  
“That’s not what I meant.”  
“I know. You meant if we’re not married you can still pretend to be straight. That still hurts, by the way. We’ve come a long way but maybe not far enough.”  
“I’m sorry, I’m trying.”  
“How about we pretend I never said anything, wait until the time is right?”  
“Are you ok with that?”  
“Yeah,” he says with a tight smile before kissing me gently.

* * *

 

At first I thought he really was ok with it, that I was imagining the tiny speck of tension following us around, but as soon as we were home it began to grow and now it’s the big black monster we don’t talk about, palpable to anyone who has to share a room with it. For weeks Chris and I have been trying to starve it but today he’s looking at me like I’m the brick wall he can’t bang his head against any more.  
“Get ready for the tough love, Bucky, that’s all I got left.” He takes a breath and sets his pen and notebook down, leaning back in his chair to address me. “You’re in love with a man. A man you want to spend your life with, a man you just told me makes you happier than you’ve ever been, a man you love more than anyone you’ve ever loved in your life. But instead of accepting his proposal you’re obsessing over a label. No one important to you gives a shit whether you’re straight, gay, bi, or fucking zig zagged with frilly edges, but you can’t get past it because you think it puts you in a community you’re not comfortable with. That’s understandable, you grew up in a homophobic military environment with a bigoted role model and as much as you see your father for what he was now, at the time you looked up to him. There’s always a period of time where a father can do no wrong in his son’s eyes and you didn’t know any better.”  
He pauses and sighs.   
“I’m giving you a free pass. You don’t have to identify with anyone, you don’t have to go all gay pride and get rainbow tattoos, you don’t have to throw a big coming out party or march in any parades. The rest of the world has its own shit to deal with and no one cares who Bucky Barnes loves except those on the receiving end of it. Your father is long gone and you don’t need his approval, you never did. If you carry on this way it won’t matter because no matter how much patience Loki claims to have I can promise you it isn’t infinite.”  
I sit in stunned silence while his words sink in. They should compel me into action, I feel I should be running straight to Loki, but instead I exit the building and board the first train heading out of the city.

I don’t know if it’s the actual climate or just the shadow of my memories here, but Brooklyn always feels colder to me. Autumn has turned everything to orange, red, and yellow and it passes the train window in a fiery blur, but there’s no warmth here. As we grind and creak to a halt I tug my jacket collar around my neck, grateful the walk is a short one.

 _Winifred C Barnes._ My finger traces the letters in the cool granite, a fresh bouquet of pale pink roses rests against the stone, their faint scent carried to my nose on the light breeze that rustles the leaves overhead.   
“Hey, mom. God, this feels ridiculous.” I shift from my knees to sit cross-legged on the damp grass between hers and the one beside it. “So, uh... I think I’m getting married. I hope I’m still getting married, if he hasn’t had enough of my stalling and given up. He’s sweet and kind, the best thing that’s ever happened to me. I know you’d be a little disappointed that I’m marrying a man and if I even mentioned gay or bisexual you’d cover your ears and cry, but that’s all right. You’d get over it, you’d love him like I do. Maybe one day you’d even get a grandchild and accept the fact that she or he was adopted. Either way, I know you'd still love me.”  
I look up at the headstone beside it. Larger, bolder, with the inscription all in capitals. _GEORGE BARNES._  
“I want to give you the benefit of the doubt and hope that you'd have been different if you knew better. You taught me intolerance, mistrust, and insecurity. You're six feet under and still I fear your judgement, if you were here to hear me say 'I'm marrying a man,' you'd try to beat it out of me. Well... you're not here to do that, but fucking oath I hope you can hear me. I'm marrying a man, sir. Not only that, I love him and I share his bed. You can't take that away from me any more, I can't disappoint you any more. I used to wish you could be proud of the man I've become, but I don't really care any more.”

In silence I reflect for a few minutes while the damp seeps through to my thighs, laying a hand on top of mom's headstone and softly whispering the same Catholic prayer she used to recite over me each night before bed. When I stand I give my father the crisp salute he taught me as a little boy.   
“Rest well, sir.”  
My boots crunch on the gravel path leading back to the gate, my gaze focused on the winding road stretching before me. When I look up he immediately catches my eye, leaning against the brick wall beside the wrought iron gate watching me. I smile and shake my head, no doubt they freaked out when I left work early and Nat tracked me here.   
“I'm not even gonna ask what you're doing here,” I say as I walk straight in to his embrace.   
“You ok?” he whispers, kissing my temple.  
“Yeah. Come with me.”

I lead him back into the cemetery and down a few rows until I find the right one, stopping in front of two headstones with their deceased dates just a few weeks apart and the year of birth the same as mine.   
“They were my school friends. Would have been my comrades one day, but one got caught looking at the other just a second too long. My dear old father beat him to a pulp while calling him every derogatory term he knew. Naked. In the showers, humiliated him. We all did. I didn't even know what a faggot was, but I knew it was bad.”  
“What happened, they were only fifteen?”  
I nod and swallow hard. “Both hung themselves within a couple of months.”  
“Fuck, that's horrific.”  
“I contributed to this, Loki. Both of them.”  
“You didn't do anything.”  
“Exactly. I stood by and did nothing.”  
“Bucky...”  
“Listen. I'm not after reassurance, just stating the facts. I wanted you to see what has taken me so long, the sort of shit I thought would happen to me.” I take his hand and lead him back toward the exit. “Do you want to see why I was here?”  
Loki nods and follows me back along the rows to the same bouquet of pink roses, which seem to have increased in perfume.   
“Your parents, I'm honoured.”  
“Ask me again,” I whisper.  
“Huh? Oh... really?”  
I nod and then gasp when he sinks to one knee. “James Buchanan Barnes, will you be my husband?”  
“Yes.” I turn back toward the headstones while he stands. “Mom, dad, I'm bisexual and I'm marrying my boyfriend.”  
And then, in the middle of a cemetery in Brooklyn, he kisses me until tears run down my cheeks, and I don't give a single fuck who's watching.

***~*~*~*~*~*~*~* Two Years Later *~*~*~*~*~*~*~***

Frigid air burns my throat and lungs, warming enough on its way back out that it condenses heavily in front of me, exhaling in a smoke-like mist. I miss smoking sometimes, so much so at times like this that my gloved fingers shove deeper into my pocket in search of the pack, my nostrils already fill with the scent of unlit tobacco. There are times when more than the act itself I crave the recklessness of it, not caring about the consequences because I mostly didn't expect or want to live long enough to suffer them. Alas, twelve months after becoming irreversibly mortal Loki realised that he could live longer and perhaps age a little slower if he took care of his body, and one of the first casualties of his new health obsession was enjoying a cigarette with me.

He walks briskly beside me now, our steps synchronised in long strides, our feet urging us forward and out of the bone-chilling deep freeze that is New York in December. Red rouge touches his nose, cheeks, and ears, giving him a pantomime-like quality against his pale skin. Along the way we pass a few shops with various Santas, reindeer, artificial snow and fairy lights displayed in their windows, some already open with the smooth melody of carols spilling onto the pavement.

Christmas was a season of indifference for me since my last at home as a child before I enlisted. I participated in the food and drink side of the celebration but always shied away from the gift giving that occurred on deployment, the idea of Christmas spirit and traditions seemed ludicrous given our circumstances fighting a war based entirely on the concept that one religion is superior to another.

That was until Loki and I found ourselves celebrating our first together. I expected he'd feel much the same about the whole gaudy event as I did, but I was woefully mistaken.  
 _I stopped at our door – back when it still felt foreign to call the apartment ours – and pulled out my key, but when I went to put it in the lock I stopped dead and stepped back. No, this was the right number on the door, but the numeral was encircled by a shimmering gold and green Christmas wreath. I looked up and down the hall, taking a moment to scratch my head, sift through my brain and be absolutely sure I had the correct building, the correct floor, the correct apartment. I waited a moment to see if Sigyn might be about to wake me up before trying my key again, but the door was pulled open in a clanging opera of bells._  
“Ta da,” Loki said, his arms spread wide and framing the entire scene before me. “Do you love it?”  
“Um,” I let out a nervous chuckle, “wow.”  
It was tasteful, in a ‘Santa’s elves had a party and then vomited’ kind of way, and I had to appreciate the green and gold theme. I had to go all the way inside to find any hint of red, and that was only in the holly that lined the island bench in the kitchen.   
“I had no idea you were so in to Christmas,” I said once I’d taken it all in and been thoroughly kissed under two separate mistletoe garlands.   
“I wasn’t, but hearing you talk about when you were a child – the smells and the anticipation, singing carols and sneaking sips of eggnog – I hoped I could bring back some of the good memories. Family sitting around a roast with all the trimmings, gifts stacked under the tree...”  
There’s a clatter as a decoration lands on the floor, rapidly followed by Sigyn darting down the hall.  
“It’s really... something.”  
“Have I done something wrong?”  
“No, it’s amazing,” I said, taking his hand and kissing him soundly. My concern of course was that neither of us actually had family to sit around the roast with but I couldn’t bear to tell him.

_As it turned out he had that covered, too. On Christmas eve the apartment was an excited babble as our friends shared dinner. We popped crackers, exchanged gifts, ate until our bellies ached, and laughed until our cheeks did the same._

We did the same the next year and the next and now that Nat and Clint’s daughter Kamala is almost in preschool we all have renewed excitement about the season. Spending Christmas eve with our friends has become our own tradition, and then we have a quiet Christmas day in our festive underwear to recover and relax.

Yes, festive underwear. A gag gift from that first year that has gotten a little out of hand, it’s our private tradition where we endeavour to find the funniest, cutest, most embarrassing or just downright sexy underwear for the other, the only rule is that it must be Christmas-themed. This all started when I presented myself naked but for a red thong that barely contained my junk in a little green velvet sack and a gold satin bow, the attached tag indicating it was for Loki from Santa. Last year he made me wear a mankini with Rudolph over my crotch while I gifted him y-fronts with ‘Jingle Balls’ on the pouch. I need to up my game and have been searching for the perfect attire for him for months.

Oh, and there's the other special significance of Christmas. After procrastinating for a year we dragged Zara and Natasha to the courthouse last Christmas eve and got married, sharing the news with everyone else at dinner that evening. It was simple and done without fuss, just how we wanted it. A few weeks later Jamie surprised us with a permanent polished platinum band for the ring finger on my metal hand, but I still wear the one Loki put on my right hand during the ceremony. Often during the day I find myself rubbing at it with my thumb or twirling it with my other fingers, and when we hold hands they fit together like they were meant to be worn that way.

Loki frowns as he so often does when I insist he enters Stark tower ahead of me.   
“You’re older,” I say with a laugh. “Don’t they say age before beauty or something?”  
“I’m never getting out of the ‘old’ jokes, am I?”  
“Nope.”  
It's early so we have the lift to ourselves and not for the first time I curse Tony's innate necessity for everything bigger, faster, and better as I hold Loki against the wall and give him a passionate kiss goodbye. Within seconds we're at my floor and parting ways for the day, I feel his eyes on me as the lift doors close and he continues further up to his lab. I wasn't entirely sure about him working here to begin with, given the way Tony used to make him bristle, but he's happy here and it shows. I wonder still if a tiny part of him is working with them in the hopes of finding a way back into Asgard but I'm confident even if he did he's not going anywhere for long.

I still get a little restless when I think too much about how settled we are, how comfortable my life is now, and I know that doesn't make any sense. Loki and Chris are constantly reminding me that I've already come through the hard parts and it's ok for everything to be easy now but I guess I'm used to struggle and being ready for a fight. Stupid, really, but if it's the biggest problem I have with my mind now then I won't complain. Everything else has mostly settled with the exception of the odd nightmare and I've accepted the idea that my hearing will probably never be what it was. We're still working on surgical options but I'm less keen to just jump into it now, less at ease with the risk.

That night as I lie tangled in his bare limbs, his head tucked into my shoulder and the air thick with sex, I find myself looking forward to this Christmas and the year ahead more than ever before. Such a short time ago I wanted to be rid of emotion altogether and I was willing to accept the risk of permanent brain damage. When Loki and I were apart after I found out the truth about Asgard and his origins I no longer cared if I might end up a vegetable and when I signed the order for my life to be terminated if there was no post-surgery brain activity I felt relieved at the idea, I wouldn't fight through every day any longer or feel the weight of so many other deaths on my shoulders. Now I live with them and I've made peace with every one, taken responsibility for my actions as a sniper and let it be my past. My friends, my little makeshift family, remind me that there can be more to my life than regret and remorse.

Loki sometimes still has to coddle me through a bad day and drag me into the next but he does it with love like I've never known. I can only hope he'll be my future because when I look far into the distance we're growing old together just as he wished, but either way he is my present. Here and now he's not just my salvation, but my everything.

**The end**

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much to everyone who has read and left kudos and an extra special HUGE thanks to those who have commented. Every single one is hugely appreciated.  
> I sincerely hope you've enjoyed this little story as much as I've enjoyed writing it xxx


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